Just A Box of Tissues

 A Box of Tissues.

It's not a box of gold to treasure. It's not a container of trinkets to cherish. This box of tissues sitting there on the bathroom counter, right there near the window sill, right there where he liked it to be, it isn't worth anything at all to anyone- but me.

So many things have been taken out of their place- it was inevitable because one of the ways I deal with uncertainty's unfathomable stress as it bombards me is to move things. You know you can't see stress, but you feel it's affects in your life if you take a few minutes to recognize them. I don't feel like a wind-up toy ready to be released the instant a fingertip moves from my string. Yet, underneath the surface of my skin it's there, this odd vibration telling me my life is out of sync. There is a strange energy I need to expend and believe it or not most of the time I'm not even aware it's there. That's stress. It hides inside us playing its special music unique each of us. The silent tune resonates through my life right now fixed in me for the time being and I sing along with it by moving things around. There's a purpose to each move, it's not random and chaotic. There's a thought process involved.  When Jerry was in and out of rehabs and hospitals for almost a year it first started - that invisible thrumming of stress. When it became apparent he would eventually come home different from when he left, that things would need to be moved, my newly strung internal instrument of stress found a source of sweet, yet brief, release.

Things had to be moved, and moved they would be.

You know that too wide dresser had to be replaced by a thin shelf. A too big of a chair exchanged for a smaller chair. A desk in slow decay- gone for another used desk, but only at the beginning stages of its decline. A sleeping chair made way for a hospital bed.  All these many changes resulted in many moves. First things had to be rearranged this way and that way just to see if we could manuver with a wheelchair moving about- that was a lot of moving involving many days and nights (it varied) of doing so. Of course, all the moving of things really meant little until Jerry could come home and test run through it all. My feeble attempts to mimic his invalid state never got it quite right. 

I could wheel around through the room this way and that way, I could reach this and that, I had access to this thing and that other thing… all in a wheelchair… but it wasn't the same not one bit. I wasn't weak through muscle atrophy. I wasn't wracked with pains- sharp, dull, and everywhere in-between. You can't truly imitate the reality of another's existence- but - you can try.

You could ask my son about this little moving stress monster inside me- he'd come home or wake up and see the daily changes and shake his head, voicing his concern with his oft repeated words-- "Don't overdo it, Mom, please." My mostly mute stressling inside me would choose this time to speak for me. "I won't." I'd reassure Matt, and of course I never ever moved things with the idea of overdoing it, I can't speak for Stressling though. 

Now in our lives, with Jerry no longer here, on a whole different level things are being moved constantly, almost daily. The upheaval of my life demands it because of my lack of financial security. I don't have time to rest and grieve, I have time to move and mourn. My stress simmers inside sometimes buried deep, other times in ripples under my skin. But isn't that the way it is for a lot of people? Worries, stress, this isn't unique to me or you, it's just life. 

Let's return to the unmoved tissue box that has managed to escape the constantly moving household landscape of my life. I had an awful revelation today as I plucked a single tissue from the box and realized there were only a few left… 

How will I use the last tissue from the very last box of tissues we will ever have shared? 

It's only a tissue box, it's only tissues, but they were our tissues. He touched that box, he used the tissues that came before. Ah, the things that stand out as I move and mourn, silly little things. The question remains unanswered, I don't know if I will use the last tissue from the very last box of tissues we shared. I just don't know.

*******

C.S. Lewis quote- "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world" "Always keep alive an eager longing for the next." 

'Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.' Romans 8:28

George MacDonald quote- "The Christian life is a constant fighting. You think that Jesus Christ came to save you from any suffering and to do you good. He came to save you from your sins, and until you are saved from them He will step between you and NO suffering." 

'As many as I love I rebuke and chasten. Be zealous therefore and repent.' Rev. 3:19 

Zec_13:9  And I will bring the third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried: they shall call on my name, and I will hear them: I will say, It is my people: and they shall say, The LORD is my God

Jas 1:12  Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

So Many Have Died For This.

 Written aforetime.

Written for our learning.

Written for our admonition.

Written for our doctrine.

Written for our reproof.

Written for our correction.

Written for our instruction.

Written for all.

Written by those moved by the Holy Spirit.

Yes, I'm talking about the Holy Bible. This awesome book comprised of 66 individual books. Well, you know all about it, don't you? It's a book that ever since it's widespread availability (even in just mere passages from a single book) have been the cause for others to kill those reading it. You read that right. People who were found to have a single passage from the Bible have been murdered for being in possession of it. MURDERED for possessing words! I'm not talking a fluke murder here and there by a deranged psychopath bent on killing a few people for having these words. I'm talking widescale manhunts searching for any who might possess these words and then publicly murdering those who have them. This happened, it's HISTORY, and wait, there's a bit more…  it's recent history as well as ancient. Yes, it's true. I'm not making this up. This isn't some lie to deceive you into thinking a darn thing! These are facts and if you are too blind to facts to let them sink into your conscience in any way, then so be it. We, as individuals, have been given a mind that allows us to believe whatever we ultimately choose to believe- right or wrong, and no one can force us to change those beliefs (without the aids of drugs, torture, etc). People can destroy our minds to change them, but left without that destruction or manipulation, people are free to choose to believe as they want to. 

Murdered for possessing written words. Why? Why is the fear of people having those words so great they need to be silenced? Why is the anger over people having those words so vile they have to destroy people to keep the knowledge from spreading. Why? For thousands of years this has been going on. Right now those written words on paper in book form are in my house, all over my house and for some that would get them killed! It's horrifying, truly horrifying. 

These words are power filled words that can bring eternal life, is it any wonder the One who brought death wants them destroyed or ignored- either suits his purposes.  Go ahead, ignore the words of life. Go ahead consider them mere fairy tales but know this- many have died horrible deaths and still die horrible deaths for that book of what you believe are lies and fairy tales. 

This is TRUTH. Face it right now, don't hide from it! Don't turn a blind eye to what is real! Don't shove it under your conscience's rug just so you don't have to feel anything at all about it but contempt or boredom. Simply don't do it because in this moment you have a chance to comprehend that there is importance in something that people throughout history are willing to die for possessing. It's not some passing crazy cultish scheme that is around for a few years and dies out. We're talking thousands of years-- thousands! It's not about ANY one denomination, but it is the religion of Christ. 

Rom 15:4  For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope. 

1Co 10:11  Now all these things happened unto them for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come

2Ti 3:16  All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: 

2Ti 3:17  That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.

2Pe 1:20  Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation. 

2Pe 1:21  For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost. 

May God guide us to ALL truth! May we be blessed as we read His word to us, His truth! May we be thankful for being able to read the Word freely, without FEAR of death! All glory to God, who will reward ALL those who seek Him in sincerity of heart, and that reward is beyond our ability to fully comprehend, it's perfect love in eternity!

All through Jesus Christ our LORD and SAVIOR now and forever! 

Amen!

Our Deeds Are Manifest.

 Joh 3:19  And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 

Joh 3:20  For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. 

Joh 3:21  But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.

Do you have something to hide? Our sins can often be things we don't want to face, we'd rather hide them, ignore them, pretend they don't really exist. We justify ourselves by saying, the whole world believes differently therefore they must be right, my sin isn't sin any more. We don't like to call sin - sin. That implies a wrongness, an evilness. Why do you think we came up with the term "white lie"? To appease our conscience, to hush that still small voice whispering into our moral fiber that we might be sinning. White lies are okay, that's what we are told. What makes them white? They are harmless. White is often a symbolic color of purity, and as such our lies when made white are pure and harmless. No one wants Mr. or Mrs. Bluntspeaker to blurt out all sorts of things simply because they abhor white lying. "How are you today, Mr. Bluntspeaker?"  "Just awful, I woke up with a headache, my back hurts, and I have an ingrown toenail to boot. And how are you?" A simple, 'just awful' without any explanation would have sufficed, but saying you're 'just awful' is usually considered a precursor to details, whereas saying 'just fine' is in itself usually enough-no explanation needed. "Hey, Mrs. Bluntspeaker, how do you like my new haircut?"  "It's hideous. I bet you can't wait until it grows out." Again, a simple, "It's hideous" would not do at all, but neither is the rest of the reply appropriate. How do you get out of lying in that situation, when you truly think your friend's haircut is atrocious? "It's not my particular favorite style for anyone really, the important thing is that you like it."  You're not outright saying it's horrible, but you're not lying by saying it's wonderful. Will your friend still take offense, it's possible. We live in a world that has us excusing sin from the white lies to the many blatant sins that less than a hundred years ago would have people shunning those who commit them. Today sin is largely called good and if you oppose that, why there is something really wrong with you and you just better not try to take us back to the dark ages with your high and mighty thinking. 

Truthfully, there has been a lot of sin throughout our entire history as a human race except perhaps for a period of unknown time in the very beginning of Creation. 

Even when a high moral standard was upheld, a lot of those doing the upholding were secretly sinning, and taking on a greater sin of self-exaltation, self-serving and so on. A scene from the book/movie by Charles Dicken's - 'Oliver Twist' comes to mind. There in the squalor of an orphanage/workhouse were starving children while the head of the orphanage and its associates were feasting and fat- yet they dared to punish a starving child for wanting more. The blatant contradiction as the orphanage leaders proclaimed their Godly status in taking in orphans only to abuse them was a basic theme of a seedy society. In many ways today, so-called Christians are using their supposed god-fearing beliefs to wreck havoc among mankind. Am I advocating sin, saying we need to accept it? NEVER.  I'm saying we need to LOVE above all and that includes any sinner. We are not to conform to any sinners way, but that shouldn't keep us from loving them. 

Ahhh, I know I'm fighting a battle that isn't winnable in the sense all of society will one day be at peace and no one will sin- and by sin- I mean no one will be separated from God's love. That will never occur for us human beings governing ourselves, never. Christ will return as our conquering King of Kings, and only then will we eventually behold a world at peace- His world above and eventually our world below will be wiped clean of all sin.

May we not be found among those who hate the light of truth. May we forever be ready to seek truth in all things, loving truth and despising evil. Let us govern ourselves in this first and foremost being very careful of taking on an air of superiority - a huge beam in your eye- way of seeing things. Be humble to all without exception. Look to your own self before you open your mouth to expose another's life in anyway as being sinful. Seek forgiveness, love even your enemies- do good to those who hurt you terribly, love with the love of Jesus. Leave ALL condemnation to Him, all of it!  Watch your own life, your own actions, answer to God for your way of living- and let others see to theirs. Chances are 99% of those who hate light and only want darkness to cover their evil- know their own sinfulness and your pointing it out will do nothing.  Call sin, sin, but leave it there unless God truly directs you otherwise- but don't call out the sinners in a personal one on one, unless it's to love and not condemn, unless it's not condoning while not condemning another's eternal life. 

Joh 3:19  And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 

Joh 3:20  For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. 

Joh 3:21  But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.

May we do truth and come to the light so we are unashamed because we live for God. Our actions should be wrought only in God.  May God bless us and keep us in HIM always- through Jesus Christ our LORD and SAVIOR now and forever!!! Amen !!!!

Mountain Climbing and Horse Riding... Really?

 I can do this, I want to do this, I have to do this, this is something I really, really want to do. Everything in me wants to do this…so yes, I will do this. I'm here, I'm in the right place and there's nothing to stop me. I don't have to go anywhere. I don't have anything more pressing to do. I have plenty of time, in fact as far as time is concerned there is suddenly a whole lot more of it than there has been in many, many years. So, let's do this. It will be fine, everything is fine, everything is okay, this is a good thing. Get back on that proverbial horse and start riding. Jump on that bike and keep on going. Oh come on, there are more sayings but I'm not going to quote them all.

The situation I'm in is demanding the use of those sayings because I was thrown off the horse, and when I was thrown off the horse I rolled down a mountain. I was going to say hill, but it was a mountain. I was on top of that huge mountain and it was so high there was snow surrounding us in the middle of summer (that's some tall mountain- right?) Just me, my horse and the mountain. I love that mountain top, but the way down that mountain, I didn't love- not so much. I've spent the last 27 years climbing that mountain. There have been some small slips, a few tumbles, but never a fall far enough down to take me off that mountain. Tell me, what mountain climbers don't run into a few obstacles here and there and make a few slips, always hoping they never take that huge fall that repels them off the mountain entirely. Well, as I said, I've been climbing this mountain for 27 years and then… even though there were indicators that things weren't quite right with the climb, I never let myself think about falling off the horse and down the mountain. Horse, mountains, climbing, falling, what in the world am I talking about. 

I know that if you know me at this moment in time you most likely are understanding each and every metaphor I'm making. I was thrown off the horse (the normalcy of my entire life) and down the mountain (my life connected to my husband's for 27 years). Now here I am at the bottom of that mountain and I'm no longer allowed to climb it ever again- in fact- that mountain has disappeared leaving only an echo of its memory that it existed. I could pretend it's still there, but if I do I'll keep wanting to climb on something that is no longer viable, no longer life sustaining. My climbing would only be trying to live in the memories. I need to get back on my horse, and I need to start up the new mountain of my life (Mount Matt-Dor). I can and will carry a huge backpack- similar to a certain Nanny's carpetbag, and a certain Doctor's police box, containing a lot of room filled with memories of Mount Jer-Dor, but it will still be a new mountain to climb.  

Now, before I veered off on this strange, strange tangent, I was somewhere else and I have to jump back to the why of this day's writing and get off the proverbial tale onto reality's path. 

I can do this, I want to do this…  remember, that's what I said earlier. But, I couldn't do it even though I wanted desperately to do so.

I sat down at Jerry's scroll saw. I had time (as previously expounded on) and there was something special I wanted to work on, something I'd started before Jerry passed, before I was thrown off the mountain. I'd spent time creating the pattern, choosing the wood, sanding the wood, taping the wood, putting the pattern on the wood, drilling all the many little holes into the wood and I had actually scroll sawed out the numbers -2022- ALL before Jerry was gone, and I was thrown violently off my proverbial horse. 

What was I scroll sawing? A small ornament/refrigerator magnet (it had the potential to be either) wood cutting of two beautiful service dogs born at the Service Dog Project in Ipswich MA. I enjoyed scroll sawing things for their annual Dog Fest for them to sell or give away as they chose to do. My hope was always for them to sell them to make money to use towards their non-profit Service Dog organization, but if giving them away endeared anyone else to help them it just didn't matter where those scroll saw cuttings went or to whom. Last year I did nothing- Jerry was in rehab/hospitals etc and I just didn't have time. This year with him having returned home in April, I thought I'd have time- I was heartbreakingly wrong. 

Back to the present- or rather the past, but just a few days ago- I sat down at Jerry's scroll saw (it will always be his, always) and I took out a scroll saw blade and I roughed up the top and bottom edges as needed, then I put it in the clamps setting it just right. Then I took up the little SDP Dog Fest cutting I'd started already and then…. I couldn't… I just could NOT put that cutting to the blade… I tried… but then I was crying too hard to do anything but cry. 

Every single thing to do with scroll sawing was taught to me by Jerry, everything! He was talking about getting back out to the garage and doing some scroll sawing- only days before he died! I was so overcome by the sharp arrow of pain stuck in my chest, that pain of the purest grief, that I could do nothing but push myself away from the scroll saw and succumb to the huge tidal wave of agony surrounding me.  I praise God that this grief was a tidal wave, and not a storm, because it washed over me dragging me through an ocean of tears and then pushed me up onto the sandy shore of respite where I grasped for the phone and called my sister Beth. I needed to touch base with one of several emotional life support human angels in my life and she answered this particular call.

I tried to get on the horse. The horse let me back on easily enough and I even felt rather comfortable in the familiar saddle, feet in the old worn stirrups, hands gripping the leather reins of my life, and but then as my lifelong companion took the first real step forward I yanked back so hard on those reins she had no choice but to rear up and throw me off once again. Only this time, I didn't have too far to go, this new mountain isn't very tall yet. I accidentally fell into my carpet bag, police box and let myself be surrounded by the memories of my old mountain but only for a little while- at least in some ways it was a little while, time is very strange in that bag and box of memories. 

I was told by my sister angel, Beth that it wasn't time for me to try and go to that particular place, that my new mountain wasn't quite ready for it (no, she didn't quite say that, but you know what I mean). I wasn't ready to begin scroll sawing yet, not now, but I will be some day. I don't know when, I may have to get thrown off my horse a few more times who knows, but I won't give up riding, I won't give up ascending the new mountain of my life. The wreckage left from my tumble off Mount Jer-Dor is still too new, the wounds still healing, being torn open and resewn over and over. It won't always be like this and I know that, and I thank God that I have HIM to keep on healing me! He sends me human angels when I need them.  If you're reading this, you might just be one of my human angels and if you are, thank you, and God bless you! I might be calling/messaging you one day in distress and I know you'll be there ready to give me the healing and love, the help only a human angel can give. 

Praise God for His amazing love! All glory to Him for His uplifting joy! As I continue to live this life of mine, I pray He is with me in every storm, in every tidal wave, in every joy, and every moment I am alive, may I serve Him, and may His will be done, always!  All through JESUS CHRIST MY LORD now and forever!!!!!!! Amen!  

Pray.

 'Laboring fervently for you in prayers.'  Did you read that- laboring fervently- in praying!  Do we pray fervent prayers? Are we passionate in our praying for others or simply matter-of-fact, routinely name dropping with a touch of something extra in the way of a request? What does it mean to 'labor fervently'?  If I were to tell you I labored fervently today what would you imagine? That whatever work I was undertaking I was doing so really eagerly, really absorbed, really passionate about the job I was doing. We can work fervently at whatever we want to. You could hold a job as a waiter and be very passionate about your job- serving others with an outstanding attitude of helpfulness, attentiveness, cheerfully. You could be a judge in court and fervently do your work- paying the utmost attention to the cases you're residing over, being truly concerned beyond hurrying through the cases on your docket. Being enthusiastic for what we are doing isn't being outrageous. Being caught up in your labor because your heart is in it, is a good thing. 

Laboring fervently in prayers for others. This is a gift truly, to be able to pray such prayers that you can be commended for doing so. 

If I labor in prayer for you, I am entreating God for you in a real, very meaningful way. I am spending time to pray, I am truly speaking to God on your behalf. God- our Creator, God- our Father, God- who is love, God- who gave us His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ! 

We need to be prayer warriors, but, and I say this with all the conviction of truth I possess- we are not all called to prayer warriors to the extreme. Yes, we are ALL called to pray, every single one of us! We are to pray for one another and yes, those prayers should be prayed fervently. Some people are called to be prayer warriors as a way of life though. Their calling, their part of the belonging to the body of Christ- is prayer warrior.

Please, take the time to read the entire following passage. This is Paul writing a salutation and giving praise to so many, please note Col. 4:12 as you read. 

You will see that all are called to pray. Paul then makes note of various people- Tychicus- faithful minister, comforter of hearts. Onesimus, faithful and one who can relay circumstance. Aristarchus, Marcus, Justus- fellowworkers. There are more- keep reading. But one stands out, Epaphras, he stands out as a prayer warrior, one who prays fervently, one who has great zeal.   

We all need to pray as I said already, we do, and from our hearts. Just know that if you're not one who has eloquent words in prayers, that the Holy Spirit will say what we cannot.

Rom 8:26  Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 

May God help us pray as we ought, and rely upon the Holy Spirit where we fail to know what to speak.  Are you a prayer warrior, it's okay if you're not in the sense that it is your gift. You can be a little prayer warrior, not super prayer warrior, God gives us all gifts according to His will.

Pray, pray always in all prayer and supplication… pray daily prayers, pray fervently…. No matter what… PRAY!  

All by the grace of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ now and forever!!!!!!! Amen! 

Col 4:1  Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal; knowing that ye also have a Master in heaven. 

Further Instructions

Col 4:2  Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving; 

Col 4:3  Withal praying also for us, that God would open unto us a door of utterance, to speak the mystery of Christ, for which I am also in bonds: 

Col 4:4  That I may make it manifest, as I ought to speak. 

Col 4:5  Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time. 

Col 4:6  Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man. 

Final Greetings

Col 4:7  All my state shall Tychicus declare unto you, who is a beloved brother, and a faithful minister and fellowservant in the Lord: 

Col 4:8  Whom I have sent unto you for the same purpose, that he might know your estate, and comfort your hearts; 

Col 4:9  With Onesimus, a faithful and beloved brother, who is one of you. They shall make known unto you all things which are done here. 

Col 4:10  Aristarchus my fellowprisoner saluteth you, and Marcus, sister's son to Barnabas, (touching whom ye received commandments: if he come unto you, receive him;) 

Col 4:11  And Jesus, which is called Justus, who are of the circumcision. These only are my fellowworkers unto the kingdom of God, which have been a comfort unto me. 

Col 4:12  Epaphras, who is one of you, a servant of Christ, saluteth you, always labouring fervently for you in prayers, that ye may stand perfect and complete in all the will of God. 

Col 4:13  For I bear him record, that he hath a great zeal for you, and them that are in Laodicea, and them in Hierapolis. 

Col 4:14  Luke, the beloved physician, and Demas, greet you. 

Col 4:15  Salute the brethren which are in Laodicea, and Nymphas, and the church which is in his house. 

Col 4:16  And when this epistle is read among you, cause that it be read also in the church of the Laodiceans; and that ye likewise read the epistle from Laodicea. 

Col 4:17  And say to Archippus, Take heed to the ministry which thou hast received in the Lord, that thou fulfil it. 

Col 4:18  The salutation by the hand of me Paul. Remember my bonds. Grace be with you. Amen. Written from Rome to Colossians by Tychicus and Onesimus. 

 

Are You In the Fire?

 Tried with FIRE. 

What? Did you think that meant you'd be tried with a tiny flame of a candle barely warming your flesh? Is that what we imagine it should be? Our FAITH is tried, whether we like it or not. And there is only one way to get out of that trial by fire and that is by choosing not to have faith. And EVEN then, you are not guaranteed to have no trials in your life- it's not an instant care free, trial free, easy going life from there on in. Nope. It just means all your pains and heartaches are not accomplishing any refining of faith- they are meaningless. 

Fire is an awful, wondrous thing. Fire destroys and gives life. Fire shapes metals into objects, fire melts metals so they can be poured into molds. When silver or gold are refined the extreme heat of the fire it tremendous. We can think of a white hot poker in a fire and imagine it being pressed against flesh, the agony of that heat, that burning it horrific. Now for a moment realize- the poker wasn't heated to a melting point. 

(Silver's melting point- 1,763 degrees Fahrenheit or 961.8 degrees Celsius) (Gold's melting point- 1,943 degrees Fahrenheit (1,062 degrees Celsius)

A fire that hot allows those metals to be refined. If we don't consider the intense heat of a refiner's fire we aren't comprehending the intense spiritual fire we must endure.

Your life might consist of one awful trial after another and you might be in that refiner's fire for an awfully long time- so long you're sure it might destroy you, but perhaps you are so incredibly special to God and the plans He has for you that He is taking a long time to refine you.

Is this truth?  It's an analogy of truth. We are given this analogy so we can apply it to our lives and know that even in the hottest of refining fires God is with us. Satan would have us believe God has tossed us into a fire of evil, a punishment, a faith destroying furnace. If we allow ourselves to believe Satan, we will be stripped of faith in God, stripped of hope in salvation. Satan wants us to believe the waking nightmares we live in are a result of God punishing us, not refining us. The evil one will us each and every fire trial in our lives to push his agenda - that God has forsaken us, left us to suffer endlessly. Can our lives right now be those of endless suffering and God still be in our lives- guiding us? Yes. Endless suffering right now, is temporary to eternity. No matter how long we suffer through our lives, never having it easy, always facing trial and tribulations, escalating as we endure, God's eternity awaits beyond it all. This is our HOPE. 

My heart breaks for the suffering all around me that so many have to endure. I wish I could ease their pain, their agonies of living. I pray for their relief, I pray for their faith, I pray they see past the pain to eternity's promise. I pray I too will see past my pain in the same way, I am so far from being without complaint. Please, Lord, forever be our hope! Please, keep us from the Devil's snare! Please, keep us from evil! Please, keep us from despair. All through the love of Jesus Christ, Your only begotten Son! Jesus walked through the refiner's fire, though He had no impurities to refine. Jesus felt the fiery trials we endure- every one of them in a way we can't fully comprehend. He knows… He knows and He loves us so much! May we be His always!

1Pe_1:7  That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ

The Mail.

 A simple task, an ordinary day to day occurrence, why has it become a long walk of dread? I'm talking about walking to get The Mail each day. Our mailbox is situated at the end of our driveway. It's really not a long walk and only slightly downhill from the house and of course a bit uphill from the street. No hills are involved really, it's more of a gradual incline but does anyone really care about the details of the slope-- there you go-- it's a slope, ah, it doesn't matter! 

So why am I going on and on about the stupid driveway! It's a distraction, nothing more, something to keep me from getting to a point because that point, that awful point brings pain. The Mail.

Let's back up a bit though, and not on driveway specs- as riveting as they can be in all there up and down way. I haven't even touched on the side to side driveway aspect but I'm more than quite sure you don't want me to- there are weeds involved. You know some driveways have side to side cracks- and some even have deliberate separation lines- come on, I'm not telling you anything you don't know. Those weeds that sprout up in the driveway crack/lines are a testament to nature's ability to take over if we'd only let it. But we frown upon weeds and those driveway weeds know it. 

Did I get off track again? Back to … The Mail.

I'm biting the proverbial bullet now, or I am in a few moments, I have to mention the mailbox itself first. It's crooked. How can I describe its crookedness and do it justice? We have one of those wooden posts with a black plastic box attached to it -mailboxes…and well, it's been pushed a little bit too far to the right possibly by a vehicle, okay, almost definitely by a vehicle getting a bit too close to it. So push it back you say. Well, we do that from time to time but the mailbox likes to wander rightward in spite of our pushing ever since that initial push. 

Now, the slightly right mailbox isn't too bad, but there are aspects of the plastic black box that are bad- but they haven't been bad enough to take emergency - no mail will be delivered to this broken down mailbox- action. The mailbox has been this way for oh, a couple years now. Please, do not judge, please. I know mailboxes aren't supposed to bit broke, but…   This slightly right mailbox ALSO has a door flap that will not shut unless you push it properly, something that many a mail carrier has no time to waste doing in their daily race to get all the mail in the mailboxes. So, what happens when 79.9 %  of the mail carriers (yes, I made up that number, I'm not a mathematician by any stretch of the imagination) what happens when they don't close the mail box properly? You guessed it, the mail put inside it is vulnerable. The door flap on the mailbox is a protector from people, weather, insects, and any other mailbox intruders that exist. Without that plastic protection here in southwest Florida in the summer time especially, the poor mail has a tendency to get soaked by afternoon thunderstorms. 

Now… now a heart hurt begins, right this moment it hurts practically as if I'm outside this moment standing in front of the mailbox. He…he… Jerry, kept telling me… for the last month of his life off and on… and the words are etched so deep in my brain they are forever connected with The Mail- I can't unhear them whenever I get The Mail, I just can't. "We need to get a new mailbox." 

I didn't get a new mailbox, and I don't know why. He received several soaked pieces of mail and we all know dried out wet mail is all crinkled and just not properly flat mail. He wanted a new mail box. Why didn't I get the mailbox?! I have no answer. I just didn't think about it when I was in a store I suppose. I know eventually I would have bought a new mailbox, I would have I just didn't have it on the high priority list. I should have, I really should have, it would have made him happy. Don't get me wrong, he didn't say we needed a new mailbox every day, just occasionally. On the days the mail was wet- it was a reminder to him as well to say something.

I don't have the answer as to why I didn't get a new mailbox, I don't. And I've been told recently not to have regrets, but I do. Selfishly now for more reasons than one, I should have bought a new mailbox when I had the chance, when money wasn't as huge an issue. Is that a horrible thought to have? Maybe it is, it probably is. So many grief guilts pop up all over the place.

There's one more mailbox tidbit and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this… the little red mailbox flag has added insult to injury and revolted some time ago- back when the mailbox was first pushed sideways a bit. It resides inside the mail box unless I need to force it to do its job when I'm mailing a letter. It's a tricky little bit of forcing and when I go out to get The Mail after mailing a letter 99.8% of the time it's on the ground because when the mail carrier pushes it down like they are trained to do, it falls off. I told you the flag revolted against its position on the mailbox. Yes, I do need a new mailbox, but now… now I don't imagine it's going to be a priority at all. If I didn't get one when Jerry mentioned it, why would I do it now? 

Do you know, I REALLY didn't intend to talk about the mailbox when I started this… I was going to talk about The Mail. I avoided that, because The Mail that I get every day of the week except one-- still thinks my love is alive and I can't bring myself to tell it otherwise. 

So, I will keep spilling The Mail tears for right now when I see your name on most of the mail, the tears- they are needed… and I will try not to look at the mailbox with too much regret. I hear his voice in my mind, in my memory, of his forever unfulfilled request- "We need to get a new mailbox." My reply was always, "Yes, we do."  So why didn't I?

God tells me to look ahead to the future and Him, not at things behind. I will pray for this specific regret to slowly fade, or at least slowly lose its loudness. 

Php 3:13  … but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 

Php 3:14  I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Please, Lord Jesus, please help me to forget those things which are behind that bring regret and guilt. I know you forgive me, I know Jerry would have forgiven me. Help me to forgive myself in the small things and all things. All through YOUR amazing LOVE! In Jesus' name now and forever!!!!!!! Amen!