Garage Musings and Mournings.

 The Garage. The original 'Man Cave'? Of course it was the original 'Man Cave'. It was the place of cars and cars were the domain of men for a long time. Garages, barns, sheds, they were mostly all for outdoor/semi-outdoor activities that men were more involved in than women. I'm not trying to stir up any masculine/feminine issues here so please, if you find your mind drifting that way- reign it in a tiny bit and try to understand - I'm of the older sort, the 'back in my day' sort when it was common not just for my dad- but for all the dads in the neighborhood (city, state, who knows) to be the ones generally responsible for the following- lawn maintenance, garbage toting, garbage can cleaning, car care and all that entails, toolboxes for the household and its surroundings repairs, any outside foliage that might need trimming, pruning (is there much of a difference between those two?) watering, fertilizing, snow shoveling (in appropriate climates though that should probably go without saying), gardening tools(though women were known to be gardeners too even in my mom's day, and her mom's.) 

Why all the garage - 'Man Cave' talk? Because for years our garage wasn't really a man cave it was just there for storage and the like. While it did hold the lawn mower (Jerry and Matthew took care of the lawn for many years without my help) it wasn't a place Jerry would hang out in just to hang out. He didn't tinker with garage things as a rule. Then he started scroll sawing, and if you are familiar with us at all you know about his scroll sawing. Once that started the garage became a 'Man Cave' of sorts. How is that relevant to anything? I'm not sure. I'm babbling again and so I continue.

When Jerry was here I longed to get my hands on cleaning that garage. You see, it became a part of my life too when he taught me how to scroll saw- it became Our Cave. I still remember the first time he asked if I wanted to try scroll sawing. Of course I said no, it was his thing, his happiness- not mine. Then he used a little bit of coercion. "Come on, just try it, you might really like it."  And Mr. 95-98% Right-All-the-Time, was right once again. I sat down at this contraption and he set about explaining the blade thing-a-ma-jig, and the clamp-whatsit, where this goes, what that does and before too long (ten seconds into the explanation) I was lost and he had to start all over again. Step by step he indulged my complete ignorance of the machine. Finally I had the wood in place the blade through the hole (the drill machine he also introduced me to made that hole) and this, that, and the other thing were all tightened and ready to go. I flipped the switch on and woah, flopping wood. Okay, now what?! He told me, just hold the wood down like so, and just move it along the line (the one he'd put there for me to follow). Easier said than done because this wasn't a straight forward type of deal. You have to have a FEEL for the blade and the wood and the temperature of the… okay, not the temperature of anything, but it isn't an exact science and any scroll sawing person who says it is, well, they're just plain lucky. 

Long story short, after a bit (maybe a minute or two) I turned the machine off and grinned at him and I said, "It's like a sewing machine but it cuts wood!" Uhm, yup, that's what I said, and I stand by it. It's really nothing like sewing in all actuality but the motion of the blade cutting, that is reminiscent of a sewing machine needle. I wasn't quite instantly hooked, but I was intrigued and soon I was making little things, and then big things and from then on it was…. "Okay… I'll scroll saw in the mornings, and Jerry, you scroll saw in the afternoons!"  And months later he was on the lookout for a cheap scroll saw machine on craigslist (they are rarely cheap) so I could have one of my own.  

Fortunately, or unfortunately, he found one in 2020 after one of his way too many back surgeries (this surgery having followed not long after a gall bladder surgery).  He was about  a week and a half out from being home from the back surgery and there popped up a deal of a lifetime. A Dewalt Scroll Saw almost just like his -only the metal table top was completely rusty. The ad said it still worked, so crazily he decided to get in the car and off we went to look at it.  We got there, he very slowly and carefully got out of the van and walked with his walker to where the machine was. Then he turned the walker around to sit down on it (yes, it was one of those fancy dancy rollators).  The man brought the scroll saw out and found an extension cord, plugged it in and showed us that it still worked. Jerry was so thrilled, but he played it cool. He put his 'time to haggle' hat on and set about talking the guy down a few bucks. I can't remember the exact price he paid for it, but he got a steal. In time that rust would come right off that table top he told me, and after greasing things up good (something he'd done as a part of regular maintenance for his own scroll saw) it would be good to go and then… then we'd have to find a place for me to scroll saw in the garage alongside him.

That dream…that hope…it never had a chance to be realized, it died too, with Him.

The scroll saw table top he was able to work on a bit with some kind of jelly stuff to remove rust- but it wasn't that easy for him. His back from the surgery didn't heal like we'd expected. Things just didn't work out. He ended up back in the hospital May 2021 for another surgery to fix what we thought the last surgery didn't fix, only to have him broken worse than ever, and from then on… he never scroll saw again.  

I still remember the last time he mentioned the second scroll saw. He was home for good from the rehab, it was in early May this year, he said that he found a guy to call about getting the rust off the table top. I sheepishly told him while he'd been in the rebab and hospital that past year I'd worked on getting the rust off with that jelly stuff and such, I wanted it to be a surprise. He shook his head and chuckled a little, and told me the next time he was out in the garage he'd have to take a look at it…

…there was no next time. 

Now, I look at the garage I'd longed so much to clean up really good while he was alive, but couldn't because he liked things just so and understandably he wanted to be a part of any rearranging.

I look at it,  and I look at it…

And I look at it and I sit there in the chair behind his scroll saw, and all the while my heart feels the very heavy weight of all that was, all that is, and all that will never be. 

On a positive note, I did manage to make a few cuts on the scroll saw- the Service Dog Project, Dog Fest piece I'd worked on a little bit before he'd gone. On a very negative note… my heart just isn't in it any more, not yet, maybe someday, maybe never, time will tell.

This little story is the a perfect example of my life right now- upbeat, a touch of humor, doing okay, and then bit by bit the upbeat becomes a downbeat and the humor fades to sadness, doing okay becomes surviving. I'd have loved for this long-winded note to have been all peppy and positive, and I'm sure someday (even possibly soon) there will be pep and positivity, not yet…not just three months, three whole long/short months since I was separated from the other half of myself. My new invisible, emotional limbs are regrowing and it takes time, a lot of time.

I know Jerry is sleeping his deep, peaceful long sleep until our Savior returns, the Word of God tells me that he does not know anything right now (Eccl. 9:5) Jerry isn't feeling any pain, and he'd felt so much pain. This is better, right? 

But it isn't better. The war of what's better for you not being better for me rages on. In the end, I never wanted you to suffer, we never want any of our loved ones to suffer- and oh, how they suffer sometimes. Sleep the sweetest sleep in peace now, my love.

I long for this day…

Rev 21:3  And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. 

Rev 21:4  And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. 

Rev 21:5  And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful. 

Pesky Tears.

 

A Newer Tidbit of Grief?

(A note to a note- I wrote this a few days ago and I've been mulling over whether or not I should post it. I even had one of my sisters read it first because I don't want anyone to think I'm in a bad way- I'm really not. A lot of these feelings/thoughts are those of the sort that come go quickly. I'm not dwelling in a pool of misery by any means. Even today I went outside for something or other and saw my neighbor and started chatting with her a bit (it's a very big deal me initiating a chat with an offline person **g**)- and we laughed over something, and then when we talked of Jerry a bit I was on the verge of tears, but they remained at bay. I am not despondent, and I don't want anyone who reads this to be overly concerned about me. Just normal concerned is fine. **g**)

I'm scared. No, I'm anxious. Even that isn't really the right word. I'm trying to find an elusive word to describe this really strange fear, no…it's not fear, maybe it's more like trepidation. The borderline of fear, you know that place where fear hasn't quite turned into fear -yet is so close you can all but touch it. I think that's more like it but even then maybe it's just one of those strange thoughts that blossom. A strange thought that pops into your head and then another builds upon it then you shove them all aside as you go about your day to day existence and then, out of nowhere that thought peeks into your life once more and again, you build upon the single thought until you dwell on it for a bit longer than you did the first time. 

Come on, you have to know what I'm talking about, it has to have happened to all of us. You push the thoughts away or somehow, another thought just overrides them and those odd thoughts just disappear into the darker recesses of your brain to rest, to wait, to bide their time. Then it could be a day or so later and there it is, that thought of borderline trepidation, not so horrible that it keeps you up at night or pacing any halls, or climbing any walls, but it's just there- it's invaded your life and you have to wonder, or at least I have to wonder, is it another part of my grief? 

Maybe I haven't heard about this part before. I've heard so much about the stages of grief and how topsy turvy they can be. Some following the textbook stages one after the other, another person taking them backwards, and still others mix and mingle them to suit their own way of handling things. There is no one way to grieve and that's something guaranteed in life that you can hold fast to as an absolute. I think in knowing there is no one way to grieve we are given a touch of peace in our whirlwind existence. It's nice to grab onto the peace when you can recognize it and let it ease your inside out life just a bit.

Again, I have to wonder if this new feeling that seems to want to defy exact definition is another part of losing someone you love so incredibly much, I have to voice what the thought is, or thoughts are, so maybe you can tell me of your experience — those of you who have been pushed down this abyss that isn't a straight journey downward, but one that contains many, many ledges. Land on a ledge and things seem okay for a bit, then that ledge get pulled out from under you- sometimes slowly, other times so quick you're falling and flailing about until the next soft landing of being okay-- for a while. If you know this abyss I'm talking about and you want to let me know if my **thought** (there it goes, it's legit now that it has asterisks around it) has any place in your grieving experiences.

The **thought** -  All my loved ones are going to lose their loved ones SOON.  Yes, it's the SOON part that makes this **thought** just troublesome enough it's somewhat bothersome. Obviously it's bothersome or I wouldn't be saying anything at all. It's not just an abstract ALL of my loved ones are going to lose their loved ones someday. The **thoughts** are more well defined (Stop reading if you don’t like where this is going loved ones of mine.) 

The **Thoughts** contain my loved ones names and not all the names are the same all the time, one or two here and there at different times. Debbie is going to lose Kurt--soon. Remember it's the SOON part that is bothering me the most. Diane is going to lose Lee--soon. Beth is going to lose Danny--soon. Judy is going to lose Tom-- soon. Hank is going to lose Rebel --soon…… and it goes on. If I haven't put you and your spouse in this list it's not because I haven't had the thought of it, and I'm so sorry if this freaks you out in anyway at all, I apologize deeply! That they're all going to die soon… it's just a thought that is creating an even deeper sadness, fear not fear- you know that sense of foreboding. Maybe, just maybe it has to do with our ages, most of us aren't young any more, we are mostly the next generation in our families to be getting up there.

I don't like this thinking not a single bit! I didn't have these moments, with these morbid (yes, I have to use that term even though I don't want to) thoughts  — before Jerry died.  There was the occasional thought, but it was brushed away and stayed away, now… it doesn't want to remain swept under the rug.

Is this a part of having come face to face with my own loss? I fear for the others that will have to face it? My heart is starting to creak where cracks of new grief are waiting to appear. Hopefully this too will pass as my life returns to being okay and I stay on the ledge of normalcy longer and longer. 

It could also have something to do with my Uncle John Paul passing away, and a beloved fur baby of my nephew, Zander passing of old age. Maybe it's just stirring up the unwelcomed pot of life's inevitabilities that surround all of us

Prayer helps. I give my strange trepidations to God, He knows, and whatever may happen in my life, I know ultimately He will prevail through it all, and by the grace of my Lord and Savior alone will I prevail through Him. We can ALL prevail through Him. 

Yes, I'm still hoping others will tell me this is normal, or can be a part of the normal grieving process. If not, well, let's just say it is. **g**

Memory Remembering.

 Sweet memory, such a blessed ability we possess. When I was a child I can recall my parents asking me to do some chore or another, one that didn't necessarily have to be completed right away. They asked expecting their request to be done- maybe that afternoon, but most assuredly by that evening. When bedtime was nearing- finding us as a family in front of the television set watching a tv show together- mom, dad, my three sisters and my brother, all of there in the living room, some of us in chairs, or on the couch, others chose to take up space on the floor as close to the television as we could get. Such a sweet memory there in picturing all of us. There we were and it was during a commercial that the question would be asked. "Did you remember to <insert chore/request here>?"  Now in that moment there would be either a casual, "Yes." Or, a tiny fear pit in the stomach. "No, I forgot." 

Do you remember anything similar to that sort of occurrence? Maybe you didn't have the exact same setting it took place in (I'm sort of showing my age by the whole family around a tv/and commercials memory).  You do have to remember a parent asking you to do something and you either remembering or forgetting to have done it.  

Forgetting to remember, it's never a nice thing because when you forget to remember something it is usually something you desire to remember. Forgetting to remember something you don't care to remember is usually met with relief, but not so those things we want to remember.  As a child I wanted to remember to do whatever it was I'd been told to do, even if it were something I didn't want to do. I didn't intentionally forget because I knew I'd be called to task if I forgot and rightly so, after consenting to get the thing done.  

So what caused the memory lapse? Any number of things could have been responsible- simply out of sight out of mind, not doing it right away and having other things just overwrite any thought of  the task allocated for the future.  We don't often know even as adults WHY we don't remember things we want to remember. Children as a rule, and on up until at least middle-aged adults, aren't usually even jokingly expect to have any trouble remembering things. Older adults, well we get teased about the future of our memories and aging. Still older adults into those so called golden years, we aren't expected to have a very long memory at all. There's a joke often posted about stepping into the next room for something and forgetting why you're there- that short of a time frame. 

Well, I can remember my dad saying to me quite often -- enough that it stuck with me my entire life - "You'd forget your head if it weren't attached." Or the other- "If you had a brain you'd be dangerous."  You see, my memory has been a subject of lament for a long time.  I remember with Jerry, we'd been together oh, about two years or so and by that time the newness of togetherness had gradually set aside the endearing annoyances allowing them to turn into irritations. You know what I mean- that new shine on the relationship often dulls a bit and you come face to face with choosing to love, rather than clinging to a lost infatuated new car smell… uhm… new relationship smell? Nah, not smell, but you know what I mean, I know you do. Newness gives way to familiarity in relationships and sometimes what was once considered cute and a little funny, might turn into being not so cute or funny any longer. 

My memory was one of those things. Being the forgetful sort (all my life) I'd often have to apologize when I forgot to do things, truly never intentionally forgetting. When I'd finally forgotten one too many a thing over the course of time, Jerry grew a little upset with me and told me, "If you loved me you wouldn't forget."  Of course I was heartbroken! What did my loving him have to do with remembering things?! I was forgetful! No one else had ever equated my forgetfulness with my loving them! You see, the thing is, Jerry had a SUPER memory. Jerry DID NOT forgot. I'm not kidding. I'm very serious. I really am down right telling the truth. For most of our relationship Jerry's memory was a thing of amazement to me - Mrs. Forgetfulness.  

So you can understand when he came face to face with someone who didn't have a super memory, but rather a very faulty one, it boggled his mind. He couldn't fully comprehend my ability to forget, and took it as a personal affront.  

I told him that my forgetting to do things had NOTHING to do with loving him or not loving him. I explained my history of forgetfulness. And of course he gave me the benefit of the doubt and then told me that I shouldn't say I will do something if I'm not going to do it, no matter what. That I should write myself notes if I didn't think I could remember whatever it might be that needed remembering. 

From that day on, right up until His passing, I never again told him I'd do something-- I always replied-- "I'll do my best to remember."  Did I write notes? Sometimes, but not always. Did I always remember stuff from that point on… NO.  Did I ever intentionally not remember to do something I'd said I'd try to remember to do? NOPE. 

It eased something inside of Jerry to know that I recognized giving him my word on something, saying I do something was important, HE was important to me, His love was important to me, and I didn't disrespect that love by going back on my word simply by forgetting to do as I said I would do. Once I gave Him that knowledge of my loving him meant I would always TRY to remember out of that love, He accepted that. It WAS enough for Him, His heart was reassured that this bizarre faulty memory I had was not a slight towards Him in any way.  It never became a huge issue again in our relationship. It could still be exasperating for Him at times, but He knew when I did forget and I did apologize for forgetting, it was a sincere, heartfelt apology, an apology of love and respect.  

No, ours was not a perfect relationship- those do NOT exist. Ours was a very down to earth relationship- hills and valleys, ebbs and flows, ups and downs, and all that good and bad stuff all of us humans deal with in our lives.

So, why all this talk about memory?  God wants us to remember Him and all too often we forget to include Him in our everyday lives. A Bible verse I read today remind me of memory. Often we exclude Him from the majority of our day reserving maybe one day out of the week for a bit of God recollection. Or perhaps a moment in the morning, a bit of time before bed- we might remember Him in our lives.  God wants us to remember Him in all we do, to be a part of our lives as we live them. God wants us to hold fast to Him because He is the best part of our lives. God gives and God takes away, I know you all know that. God allows and God doesn't allow, and in all of that God knows that He's set before us eternity. As soon as eternity is set before us we are no longer expecting this temporary life to be a thing of ease in any way. Yes, there can be ease in our lives, and we call them blessings, because they aren't promised to us at all- eternity is our promised land, our promised home, our promised hope. We need to have a memory that holds fast to the truths in God.  

Do I have the Bible memorized?  Ha! You're talking to Mrs. Always Been Forgetful -- remember?  I don't have it memorized but that's not going to stop me from praying to never forget my Lord and Savior, to never forget the love of my God, to never forget the gospel hope of eternal life through forgiveness for all my sins, all my shortcomings. I long for the day of my Savior's return, I long for the eternity to come and the memory of life everlasting. With Jesus in eternity I have a belief I'll never forget anything again. All in HIS LOVE, my blessed Savior! 

1Co 15:1  Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; 

1Co 15:2  By which also ye are saved, if ye KEEP IN MEMORY what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 

Pro 3:1  My son, FORGET NOT my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: 

Pro 3:2  For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. 

Pro 3:3  Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: 

Pro 3:4  So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. 

Pro 3:5  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 

Pro 3:6  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. 

Pro 3:7  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. 

Pro 3:8  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. 

Pro 3:9  Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase: 

Pro 3:10  So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine. 

Pro 3:11  My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: 

Pro 3:12  For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. 

Pro 4:13  TAKE FAST HOLD OF instruction; let her not go: keep her; for she is thy life.

Pro 6:20  My son, KEEP thy father's commandment, and FORSAKE NOT the law of thy mother: 

Pro 6:21  BIND THEM CONTINUALLY upon thine heart, and TIE THEM about thy neck. 

Pro 6:22  When thou goest, it shall lead thee; when thou sleepest, it shall keep thee; and when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee. 

Pro 6:23  For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life

Pro 23:23  BUY THE TRUTH AND SELL IT NOT; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding.

Col 1:23  If ye CONTINUE IN THE FAITH grounded and settled, and BE NOT MOVED AWAY from the hope of the gospel, which ye have heard, and which was preached to every creature which is under heaven; whereof I Paul am made a minister

Heb 2:1  Therefore we ought to give the MORE EARNEST HEED to the things which we have heard, LEST AT ANY TIME WE SHOULD LET THEM SLIP

Heb 3:6  But Christ as a son over his own house; whose house are we, IF WE HOLD FAST the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope FIRM UNTO THE END. 

Heb 3:14  For we are made partakers of Christ, IF WE HOLD the beginning of our confidence stedfast UNTO THE END; 

Heb 3:15  While it is said, TODAY if ye will hear his voice, HARDEN NOT YOUR HEARTS, as in the provocation

Heb 4:14  Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, LET US HOLD FAST our profession.

Heb 10:23  LET US HOLD FAST the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) 

Heb 10:24  And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: 

Heb 10:25  Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. 

Jesus, Remember Me!

 Take up your cross daily. You've heard this before, you've read it for yourself, you comprehend what it means and yet, can you even find that cross you're supposed to be taking up? What's it look like to you? Jesus knew the cross He would bear, bleed upon, and die hanging from. The people in Jesus' day knew what crosses were. The crosses were visible, literal and stained deeply by the blood of many a man. Were they all innocent, no, not by far. Were some innocent? Perhaps some were crucified unfairly, but we do know for a fact that One of those who hung upon a cross, was crucified horrifically and was completely innocent. 

We are not innocent. If you say you are, then you're sadly mistaken, in fact you are deceiving yourself. 

The cross we are to take up daily obviously isn't a literal cross- if it were we couldn't take it up more than once, right? And this cross Jesus speaks of is one we are to take up daily.

We are to deny ourselves and take up the cross. 

Two thieves hung on crosses one on each side of our Savior. One thief mocked Jesus, the other confessed his own guilt and sought forgiveness. One thief was full of self, the other was denying self. One ridiculed the Savior, the other pleaded with Him. 

The figurative cross we take up daily and deny ourselves must first and foremost be equal to the cross of the thief that denied himself and uplifted Jesus as His Savior. We have to recognize our INABILITY to save our guilty selves. That thief had no hope, he was going to die that day. That thief knew Jesus preached of a kingdom in heaven- the gospel that had spread far and wide. Jesus was the 'talk of the town' at that time, very few, if any, did not know who He was, who He claimed to be, and what He claimed He could do. Raising the dead, bringing them back to life was unheard of then and still today. Jesus - the Son of God, promised He'd come again, that He was going to prepare a place, that at the last trump He would return to raise the dead from their graves and change those still living to immortal beings. The promise of life eternal was what Jesus preached to the masses. The remorseful thief knew of Jesus, just as the unremorseful thief knew of Him. 

Unable to save himself the remorseful thief turned to the only one who could give him hope. Unable to save himself the unremorseful thief decided to criticize his only hope, choosing not to believe any of Jesus' promises.

We all have a cross to bear, but we all do not deny ourselves. We choose to deny Christ, rather than self.  

Daily let's pick up our cross, denying self, recognizing Jesus as our Savior- every single day, don't miss a day of self-denial- to do so is to miss a day of recognizing Jesus Christ our Lord, the giver of our lives now and for eternity if we choose. Think of the remorseful thief there next to our suffering, dying Savior, pleading to be remembered.  We must plead to be remembered, not boast of our own goodness in any way, just our need, our complete need of Jesus.                 All by His amazing love! His mercy! His Grace! His Forgiveness! All through HIM now and forever! AMEN!!!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Luk_9:23  And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

1Jn_1:8  If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

Luk 23:39  And one of the malefactors which were hanged railed on him, saying, If thou be Christ, save thyself and us. 

Luk 23:40  But the other answering rebuked him, saying, Dost not thou fear God, seeing thou art in the same condemnation? 

Luk 23:41  And we indeed justly; for we receive the due reward of our deeds: but this man hath done nothing amiss. 

Luk 23:42  And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom. 

Luk 23:43  And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee to day, shalt thou be with me in paradise. 

Psa 51:1 …Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. 

Psa 51:2  Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 

Psa 51:3  For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. 

My Own Dance With Grief.

 A hair. A teeny tiny, maybe a quarter of an inch (if that) hair. Your hair. Remember, I thought I'd cleaned them all up. I thought I'd seen the last of your hair, but I should have known better. Hair isn't something easily gotten rid of as anyone who has had to clean up can attest to. Jerry's hair was dark originally but as age does to all, the gray began to creep in and take over. Keeping his hair cut very short the gray was still noticeable, but not glaringly so. 

The tiny hair was found when I moved a green scrubbie up off the light blue ceramic dish it sat upon. Just a single dark hair there on the otherwise clean dish and it was larger than life in my heart. I didn't know if I would cry or smile, and then I was somehow managing both.

I miss you! Tears.

A little reminder of you! Smile.

My heart aches! Tears.

The memory of the softness of your hair on my fingers, my lips. Smile.

To never caress your cheek, or trace my fingertip slowly along the shape of your ear, never to tease the hair on the back of your neck, tickling you. Tears.

Tears.

Tears.

Just tears now as all I've lost in losing you sweeps over any ability to smile. The trigger was a lone tiny hair, the result- a mix of emotions as grief began a gentle war against the tentative peace my heart had found. A passive war for mere moments because once the tears began in earnest my heart squeeze tight on the flimsy dam erected to keep them at bay. 

The roar of pain created by the river of weeping flooding my soul was silent except for the gasping anguish made with each breath I tried to take. Stop! Just stop! It hurts too much! It's not supposed to hurt this much still!

They tell me to stop!

They tell me to be strong!

They tell me they understand, but do their hearts bleed with the cutting tears of sorrow's razor sharp knife!? And if so, then they know! They… know… the pain and are a testament to its rise and..

to its fall.

They know the dance, the moves so reminiscent of an unscripted, unknown chorography. This dance of grief is one we must create out of our own music of mourning. I may waltz in the pain holding the memories tight, I may sway languidly as those memories ease so I can live in tomorrow's memories of today. A frenzy of passion may seize my entire being as I twirl between the whirlwind of the past and present. It's an ongoing dance all my own and to each- to everyone's - own.

Death, grief, mourning, a daily occurrence for all of us. We may remain untouched by death's intimacy for many years, or it may haunt us from a young age. Children losing parents, parents losing children, young, old, it greets us all differently. 

Right now I grieve a loss bitter, sorrowful, aching to me in a way no prior death I've encountered has touched me. 

Let me grieve.

Let me share my moments of grief with you.

Also, let me reassure you…

I smile. I laugh. I sing. I pray. I worship. I rejoice. I have the peace of my Lord… all of this… and yes, moments of the deepest grief. 

I'm not living in darkness, but I descend to the darkness of grieving as a part of my dance through life, only to ascend from that momentary descent to… 

get on with living without my husband, without Jerry, with his love, without his touch, without his kiss, without his beautiful eyes smiling their knowing brilliance into mine, along with the cutest grin of his lips. I miss you, Jerry, I miss you so much.

*******

Isa 51:11  Therefore the redeemed of the LORD shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.

2Co 4:17  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; 

2Co 4:18  While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. 

Mat 5:4  Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted

The Nature of Jesus' Flesh.

 The conception of Christ. Now that isn't a topic you read about every day. We give too little thought to the conception of Christ. Why? Because it is ultimately a great mystery. So why bother about it at all? Mystery solvers might be able to give us a hint about the why, that old 'thrill to solve'. Is this really a mystery that needs to be solved though? Shouldn't we just say- the Holy Spirit did it, and leave it at that? I'm not going to, not today and maybe not tomorrow, we won't bother about the day after that though- it's too far into the future for my liking.

Most of the people reading this already understand the human conception process. From a laboratorical, laboratorish way, in the manner of scientist-- it's when a seed from a male and an ova from a woman are joined together. Even then in this day and age they are messing with seeds and ova and taking bits and pieces of them and altering things so that they can manipulate the outcome. That, however, is a thought for a whole other day.

In simple terms - the seed and the ova have to begin a process of cell dividing by joining together either from a natural process or an artificial one. We cannot have a human being without this process, it just won't happen. Before scientists took over things in their attempt to help infertility and the like- the only process was a natural one and this process was used for the majority of human existence. Most assuredly in Jesus' day it was the only process being thought of.

Having said all that, we now have the miracle of a virgin birth- meaning a birth coming from absolutely no man and woman joining process taking place. There are some species of creatures in our world - most notably frogs (thanks to one of the most famous dinosaur movies a lot of us know about this already- spontaneous reproduction). These species of creatures thought to be all one sex just happen to have a hidden switch that can spontaneously make them another sex in order to keep their species in existence. 

Are you still with me here? Humans have never had this ability for spontaneous reproduction, never- we lack whatever it is that causes such a thing. There was only one way for a human to get pregnant WITHOUT any human process back in the day of Jesus and that one way is called a…Miracle. 

Do we stop studying the subject now because we've mentioned the word miracle which automatically tells us it's beyond our ability to truly comprehend? No, I'm not going to stop studying it, not yet. Knowing the whys and wherefores of Jesus' conception is very important for a reason. Read the following verse-

1Jn 4:2  Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: 

Every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God:

1Jn 4:3  And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh

is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world. 

You might be breathing a sigh of relief at this point because you already believe Jesus came in the flesh- end of story, close the book you are not of the spirit against Christ. Wait a moment though, just a moment. Ask yourself this question, do you know anyone at all who doesn't think Jesus was made of flesh? There isn't a single person I know who thinks Jesus was made of anything but human flesh. He had skin like us, He bled like us, He lived like we live with all our human bits and pieces. When He was born- He was born in appearance like every other baby born- no one claimed He was born with anything but flesh. So if NO ONE is saying Jesus had some weird alien flesh, then why would we need to read the above?  Jesus came in the flesh and is of God. Aren't we all of God?  Aren't we all alive because of God? There isn't a single person in existence that isn't born because God willed their birth and made it possible. Every spirit that confesses NOT that Jesus Christ is come in the FLESH - is NOT of God.  Everyone agrees Jesus Christ was born with flesh, they just don't all agree He was actually the Son of God. So why this verse about the flesh? Was it really necessary to put flesh in there? Yes. 

I have to ask a question, it begs to be asked- the flesh Jesus Christ was born with what kind of flesh was it?

If you're shaking your head and thinking me crazy for asking I understand completely. The thing is, some people think Jesus was born with a super, reinforced, holy kind of flesh. They think this special flesh kept Him from any and all ability to sin. Others think Jesus came with the flesh that the first created human beings possessed, again with a special protection that had nothing to do with inclination towards sinning. Remember, when Adam and Eve were created they inherited no nature of sinful flesh- that stuff they passed down to us. And then you have other people who believe Jesus was born with flesh just like you and I possess, you know the kind I just mentioned.  Flesh of a sinful nature, a nature that had us being born naked. Think about that for just a few moments. Before Adam and Eve sinned they didn't even know they were naked because they were covered in the light of God's presence in their life. They were pure, they were immortally kept, they were living in innocence. In their being told to - 'Be fruitful and multiply' they were going to have children and those children were not going to be born into a situation of nakedness if those two weren't even aware of their own nakedness. The first human being born after sin entered humanity was born naked, not covered in the light of God's presence of purity. Does that mean the babe was born evil? No. It means that the babe was born with a nature much different than the one Adam and Eve were created with. Jesus was born naked so He could not have been born like Adam and Eve were created. Jesus was born vulnerable to all of sins assaults.  Adam and Eve were created and lived in a perfect garden knowing absolutely nothing of sins assaults.

Bringing this all back together a bit here, the reason we need to know more about Jesus' conception is because we need to know what flesh He was born with and have that truth settled in our hearts so we are not deceived. If you think I'm nitpicking things that it doesn't really matter if we understand all this, please, stop reading and go about your business. When I read in God's word that some people are not going to believe Jesus truly came in the 'flesh' and they'll have the spirit that is against Christ (antichrist) I have to pay attention. Satan is a great deceiver, the best in fact, and he will stop at nothing at all to get us to fall for his deceptions. In the day Christ returns and calls His people to meet Him in the air- there are going to be a whole lot of people who think they belong to Jesus who aren't. That's SCARY, yes, with all capital letters scary! They are going to cry out they did all sorts of things in His name, they are His! But He is going to tell them to get away from Him, that He doesn't know them!  How frightening that should be for ALL of us to read. It should frighten us enough so that we examine our relationship with our Savior with a fine tooth comb. If we don't think our relationship with Christ needs a fine tooth comb, then what in the world deserves the examination with a fine tooth comb? 

We need to study to show ourselves approved unto God, rightly dividing the word of truth. Those aren't my words, they are GOD's. Do you remember the Bible verse that has been made very popular- John 3:16- For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Our walk with Christ doesn't end with simply believing in a single moment like some people want to imagine it does. 

Jas 2:19  Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble. 

The first step IS believing, without believing there is nothing. Believing is forever first and foremost. There can be nothing more without belief. There is nothing we can do to merit salvation, that is a gift we are given. Jesus died to give the gift of salvation to all! Jesus never told a single person to believe once and no more. That belief was a living belief, a forever belief, a belief reflected in our lives. Being a Christ follower was a way of living, not a part of our lives tucked away into a corner pulling it out only when needed. A Christ follower lives for Christ. A Christ follower lives for the eternal life in Christ. Eternal life's gift isn't that we live forever, it's that we live forever WITH CHRIST! 

Yes, we have lives that call on us to do many things - many everyday things- and in all of them our Savior is a part when He is our life, when we've accepted Him. 

Does it matter what flesh our Savior took on? Yes. Because there are many FALSE Christs, many. People throughout history since Jesus lived and died have been creating their versions of Christ to worship- versions convenient to their lives. Satan has been setting up false Christ's ever since Christ died and Christ knew he would!

Mat_24:24  For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.

2Jn_1:7  For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist.

A deceiver. So yes, the flesh our Savior possessed is of importance. Which did our Savior truly have-- our flesh, holy flesh, Adam's Pre-Fall flesh? 

Was the Christ you follow touched with the feeling of your infirmities?

Heb_4:15  For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.

Was the Christ you follow tempted like you are- yet without sin? You read that right- tempted LIKE YOU ARE. 

Holy flesh, flesh pre-fall absolutely CANNOT be tempted like we are- it's impossible. 

Jesus was born with flesh just like ours. Upon conception the Holy Spirit facilitated the needed seed to join with the ova. How this was done- well, just like Abraham's Sarah, and John the Baptist's mother Elizabeth, as well as Hannah, Samuel's mother and Rachel who bore Joseph and Benjamin … all these women were worked upon by the Holy Spirit and yet none of them knew how the actual work was done, just the results of that work. God who spake the world into existence, God can speak into existence all that needs to be done and that word He speaks can be spoken silently. God the declared Son of the Father, gave up His form suitable for divinity - He removed the light of holy presence off of Himself, allowed Himself to be formed into the seed of fallen human man. He allowed Himself to be a human seed joined to another human ovan order to grow and multiply just as every other human being born to mankind has had to do. Why? Why did He choose this path to bring us salvation? If He were simply going to use His God power to save us He could have appeared just as He was in Heaven. He divested Himself, He emptied Himself in order to become one of us! We like to imagine He had some power of His own to use and that was the only reason He could keep from giving into the temptations He faced as a human being in our sin inclined flesh. The truth of the matter is, IF He had this power to use then HE WAS NOT LIKE US AT ALL! And again, if He was not like us at all, why bother with all the theatrics of being born a human being? Jesus was faced with choices from the moment He was cognizant enough to do so as any developing child and He made the RIGHT choices not through any special power of His own. God the Father in heaven was the power Jesus relied upon!  

Satan would have had a field day crying foul as loud as he could for all the universes in existence to hear if Jesus had saved mankind with an unfair advantage. It would have proven NOTHING for Jesus to use His God power to save mankind. It would not have shown at all that humanity is capable of choosing God, following God, loving God with all their hearts, minds and souls! Satan caused sin to enter mankind's world and he wanted to lay claim to mankind as his forever, triumphing over God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Satan wanted to prove humanity was a failed creation act of God's completely unworthy of any redemption. Satan tried as hard as He could to get Jesus - the God who laid off His divinity and became human- to sin. Satan tempted Jesus beyond our ability to fully imagine in an effort to prove humans were unable to be save. IF there were no chance for Him to best Jesus, he wouldn't have bothered trying- he would have just proved the plan of salvation was all a lie and nothing more. 

Do we comprehend the true nature of Jesus' flesh? We need to. There are so many who have made Jesus a liar and a cheat, a deceiver greater than Satan himself, when they give Him an unfair advantage as a human being. That's not trivial at all, and everyone who does this horrible thing will not be known of Jesus, how could they be? They've chosen to pull comfy wool eyeshades down over their eyes refusing to see truth because it might spoil their chosen way of life. God help us ALL to see truth and only truth!!!!!!!

May God bless this study of TRUTH and only TRUTH, in Jesus Christ our Lord, now and forever! Amen!!!!!!!