The Garage. The original 'Man Cave'? Of course it was the original 'Man Cave'. It was the place of cars and cars were the domain of men for a long time. Garages, barns, sheds, they were mostly all for outdoor/semi-outdoor activities that men were more involved in than women. I'm not trying to stir up any masculine/feminine issues here so please, if you find your mind drifting that way- reign it in a tiny bit and try to understand - I'm of the older sort, the 'back in my day' sort when it was common not just for my dad- but for all the dads in the neighborhood (city, state, who knows) to be the ones generally responsible for the following- lawn maintenance, garbage toting, garbage can cleaning, car care and all that entails, toolboxes for the household and its surroundings repairs, any outside foliage that might need trimming, pruning (is there much of a difference between those two?) watering, fertilizing, snow shoveling (in appropriate climates though that should probably go without saying), gardening tools(though women were known to be gardeners too even in my mom's day, and her mom's.)
Why all the garage - 'Man Cave' talk? Because for years our garage wasn't really a man cave it was just there for storage and the like. While it did hold the lawn mower (Jerry and Matthew took care of the lawn for many years without my help) it wasn't a place Jerry would hang out in just to hang out. He didn't tinker with garage things as a rule. Then he started scroll sawing, and if you are familiar with us at all you know about his scroll sawing. Once that started the garage became a 'Man Cave' of sorts. How is that relevant to anything? I'm not sure. I'm babbling again and so I continue.
When Jerry was here I longed to get my hands on cleaning that garage. You see, it became a part of my life too when he taught me how to scroll saw- it became Our Cave. I still remember the first time he asked if I wanted to try scroll sawing. Of course I said no, it was his thing, his happiness- not mine. Then he used a little bit of coercion. "Come on, just try it, you might really like it." And Mr. 95-98% Right-All-the-Time, was right once again. I sat down at this contraption and he set about explaining the blade thing-a-ma-jig, and the clamp-whatsit, where this goes, what that does and before too long (ten seconds into the explanation) I was lost and he had to start all over again. Step by step he indulged my complete ignorance of the machine. Finally I had the wood in place the blade through the hole (the drill machine he also introduced me to made that hole) and this, that, and the other thing were all tightened and ready to go. I flipped the switch on and woah, flopping wood. Okay, now what?! He told me, just hold the wood down like so, and just move it along the line (the one he'd put there for me to follow). Easier said than done because this wasn't a straight forward type of deal. You have to have a FEEL for the blade and the wood and the temperature of the… okay, not the temperature of anything, but it isn't an exact science and any scroll sawing person who says it is, well, they're just plain lucky.
Long story short, after a bit (maybe a minute or two) I turned the machine off and grinned at him and I said, "It's like a sewing machine but it cuts wood!" Uhm, yup, that's what I said, and I stand by it. It's really nothing like sewing in all actuality but the motion of the blade cutting, that is reminiscent of a sewing machine needle. I wasn't quite instantly hooked, but I was intrigued and soon I was making little things, and then big things and from then on it was…. "Okay… I'll scroll saw in the mornings, and Jerry, you scroll saw in the afternoons!" And months later he was on the lookout for a cheap scroll saw machine on craigslist (they are rarely cheap) so I could have one of my own.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, he found one in 2020 after one of his way too many back surgeries (this surgery having followed not long after a gall bladder surgery). He was about a week and a half out from being home from the back surgery and there popped up a deal of a lifetime. A Dewalt Scroll Saw almost just like his -only the metal table top was completely rusty. The ad said it still worked, so crazily he decided to get in the car and off we went to look at it. We got there, he very slowly and carefully got out of the van and walked with his walker to where the machine was. Then he turned the walker around to sit down on it (yes, it was one of those fancy dancy rollators). The man brought the scroll saw out and found an extension cord, plugged it in and showed us that it still worked. Jerry was so thrilled, but he played it cool. He put his 'time to haggle' hat on and set about talking the guy down a few bucks. I can't remember the exact price he paid for it, but he got a steal. In time that rust would come right off that table top he told me, and after greasing things up good (something he'd done as a part of regular maintenance for his own scroll saw) it would be good to go and then… then we'd have to find a place for me to scroll saw in the garage alongside him.
That dream…that hope…it never had a chance to be realized, it died too, with Him.
The scroll saw table top he was able to work on a bit with some kind of jelly stuff to remove rust- but it wasn't that easy for him. His back from the surgery didn't heal like we'd expected. Things just didn't work out. He ended up back in the hospital May 2021 for another surgery to fix what we thought the last surgery didn't fix, only to have him broken worse than ever, and from then on… he never scroll saw again.
I still remember the last time he mentioned the second scroll saw. He was home for good from the rehab, it was in early May this year, he said that he found a guy to call about getting the rust off the table top. I sheepishly told him while he'd been in the rebab and hospital that past year I'd worked on getting the rust off with that jelly stuff and such, I wanted it to be a surprise. He shook his head and chuckled a little, and told me the next time he was out in the garage he'd have to take a look at it…
…there was no next time.
Now, I look at the garage I'd longed so much to clean up really good while he was alive, but couldn't because he liked things just so and understandably he wanted to be a part of any rearranging.
I look at it, and I look at it…
And I look at it and I sit there in the chair behind his scroll saw, and all the while my heart feels the very heavy weight of all that was, all that is, and all that will never be.
On a positive note, I did manage to make a few cuts on the scroll saw- the Service Dog Project, Dog Fest piece I'd worked on a little bit before he'd gone. On a very negative note… my heart just isn't in it any more, not yet, maybe someday, maybe never, time will tell.
This little story is the a perfect example of my life right now- upbeat, a touch of humor, doing okay, and then bit by bit the upbeat becomes a downbeat and the humor fades to sadness, doing okay becomes surviving. I'd have loved for this long-winded note to have been all peppy and positive, and I'm sure someday (even possibly soon) there will be pep and positivity, not yet…not just three months, three whole long/short months since I was separated from the other half of myself. My new invisible, emotional limbs are regrowing and it takes time, a lot of time.
I know Jerry is sleeping his deep, peaceful long sleep until our Savior returns, the Word of God tells me that he does not know anything right now (Eccl. 9:5) Jerry isn't feeling any pain, and he'd felt so much pain. This is better, right?
But it isn't better. The war of what's better for you not being better for me rages on. In the end, I never wanted you to suffer, we never want any of our loved ones to suffer- and oh, how they suffer sometimes. Sleep the sweetest sleep in peace now, my love.
I long for this day…
Rev 21:3 And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
Rev 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
Rev 21:5 And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
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