(A note to a note- I wrote this a few days ago and I've been mulling over whether or not I should post it. I even had one of my sisters read it first because I don't want anyone to think I'm in a bad way- I'm really not. A lot of these feelings/thoughts are those of the sort that come go quickly. I'm not dwelling in a pool of misery by any means. Even today I went outside for something or other and saw my neighbor and started chatting with her a bit (it's a very big deal me initiating a chat with an offline person **g**)- and we laughed over something, and then when we talked of Jerry a bit I was on the verge of tears, but they remained at bay. I am not despondent, and I don't want anyone who reads this to be overly concerned about me. Just normal concerned is fine. **g**)
I'm scared. No, I'm anxious. Even that isn't really the right word. I'm trying to find an elusive word to describe this really strange fear, no…it's not fear, maybe it's more like trepidation. The borderline of fear, you know that place where fear hasn't quite turned into fear -yet is so close you can all but touch it. I think that's more like it but even then maybe it's just one of those strange thoughts that blossom. A strange thought that pops into your head and then another builds upon it then you shove them all aside as you go about your day to day existence and then, out of nowhere that thought peeks into your life once more and again, you build upon the single thought until you dwell on it for a bit longer than you did the first time.
Come on, you have to know what I'm talking about, it has to have happened to all of us. You push the thoughts away or somehow, another thought just overrides them and those odd thoughts just disappear into the darker recesses of your brain to rest, to wait, to bide their time. Then it could be a day or so later and there it is, that thought of borderline trepidation, not so horrible that it keeps you up at night or pacing any halls, or climbing any walls, but it's just there- it's invaded your life and you have to wonder, or at least I have to wonder, is it another part of my grief?
Maybe I haven't heard about this part before. I've heard so much about the stages of grief and how topsy turvy they can be. Some following the textbook stages one after the other, another person taking them backwards, and still others mix and mingle them to suit their own way of handling things. There is no one way to grieve and that's something guaranteed in life that you can hold fast to as an absolute. I think in knowing there is no one way to grieve we are given a touch of peace in our whirlwind existence. It's nice to grab onto the peace when you can recognize it and let it ease your inside out life just a bit.
Again, I have to wonder if this new feeling that seems to want to defy exact definition is another part of losing someone you love so incredibly much, I have to voice what the thought is, or thoughts are, so maybe you can tell me of your experience — those of you who have been pushed down this abyss that isn't a straight journey downward, but one that contains many, many ledges. Land on a ledge and things seem okay for a bit, then that ledge get pulled out from under you- sometimes slowly, other times so quick you're falling and flailing about until the next soft landing of being okay-- for a while. If you know this abyss I'm talking about and you want to let me know if my **thought** (there it goes, it's legit now that it has asterisks around it) has any place in your grieving experiences.
The **thought** - All my loved ones are going to lose their loved ones SOON. Yes, it's the SOON part that makes this **thought** just troublesome enough it's somewhat bothersome. Obviously it's bothersome or I wouldn't be saying anything at all. It's not just an abstract ALL of my loved ones are going to lose their loved ones someday. The **thoughts** are more well defined (Stop reading if you don’t like where this is going loved ones of mine.)
The **Thoughts** contain my loved ones names and not all the names are the same all the time, one or two here and there at different times. Debbie is going to lose Kurt--soon. Remember it's the SOON part that is bothering me the most. Diane is going to lose Lee--soon. Beth is going to lose Danny--soon. Judy is going to lose Tom-- soon. Hank is going to lose Rebel --soon…… and it goes on. If I haven't put you and your spouse in this list it's not because I haven't had the thought of it, and I'm so sorry if this freaks you out in anyway at all, I apologize deeply! That they're all going to die soon… it's just a thought that is creating an even deeper sadness, fear not fear- you know that sense of foreboding. Maybe, just maybe it has to do with our ages, most of us aren't young any more, we are mostly the next generation in our families to be getting up there.
I don't like this thinking not a single bit! I didn't have these moments, with these morbid (yes, I have to use that term even though I don't want to) thoughts — before Jerry died. There was the occasional thought, but it was brushed away and stayed away, now… it doesn't want to remain swept under the rug.
Is this a part of having come face to face with my own loss? I fear for the others that will have to face it? My heart is starting to creak where cracks of new grief are waiting to appear. Hopefully this too will pass as my life returns to being okay and I stay on the ledge of normalcy longer and longer.
It could also have something to do with my Uncle John Paul passing away, and a beloved fur baby of my nephew, Zander passing of old age. Maybe it's just stirring up the unwelcomed pot of life's inevitabilities that surround all of us
Prayer helps. I give my strange trepidations to God, He knows, and whatever may happen in my life, I know ultimately He will prevail through it all, and by the grace of my Lord and Savior alone will I prevail through Him. We can ALL prevail through Him.
Yes, I'm still hoping others will tell me this is normal, or can be a part of the normal grieving process. If not, well, let's just say it is. **g**
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