I Have Questions.

 I have questions.

You have taken my answers with you.

I have questions.

Silent tears hold no clues.

I have questions.

They won't stay silent.

I have so very many questions.

You tried so hard to give me all the answers.

I have questions.

You wanted me to listen.

I have questions.

You wanted me to remember.

I have questions.

You were supposed to be here to answer.

I have questions.

Screaming anguish filled cries, I have questions.

No answers.

Breathless, I have questions. 

No more answers, not from you, my Answer Giver.

Silent agony, silent emptiness, silent answers, no answers.

I have questions, Jerry, so many, many questions.

Your absence is so much louder when I want…when I need, answers, your answers. 

Answers. Who do you usually turn to when you want answers? Most likely it would depend upon the question, right? That's logical. You wouldn't go to a child and ask a question only an adult could answer.  

Today we have our cellphones, tablets, laptops, Siri, Echo and so on to give us all kinds of answers to any question we might have. These impersonal answers -for the most part- even when it's a video of a person giving you information, or a live chat and that person is right there in real time talking with you- it still lacks something that an in person back and forth discussion entails. I'm not knocking those who believe that way to get answers is just as good, I will admit that kind of interaction is a lot better than no interaction and if you have no other recourse it is amazing. Right now I'm in a place in my life where I've been deprived of my main source of in person contact, deprived of my Answer Giver, and I have so many, many questions! Siri can't tell me what to do with the little gadget in the garage I have no clue about. Google might be able to give me a hint if I put in the right key words. I could even get a friend or two on face time and they might have the answer, but… I don't have MY Answer Giver any longer, He's gone. 

I have a thought, and from that thought springs a larger idea, and from the idea I'm bombarded with questions and then I'm slapped in the face hard enough to mentally jerk me back a few steps, He's not hear to ask! With Him I didn't have to worry if my thoughts, ideas and subsequent questions were a bit out there, He knew me from head to toe, from my craziest thought to my sanest moment and all those weebly wobbly moments in between. When my question  seemed to be ludicrous He would let me know without any wasted time sparing feelings, then He'd indulge my ideas, thoughts and questions patiently enough. Often my lack of knowledge was a source of amusement for us both. My Answer Giver had so much knowledge, so incredibly much.

You may know someone who is smart, you may be that person who is smart. I've run into a few truly smart people who reached a level of brilliance that had them believing in all sincerity that ALL people should be as smart as they are. I've probably mentioned this already, but I don't care, I need to mention it again. My Answer Giver was often amazed at my lack of knowledge because He didn't recognize His own uniqueness in his intelligence. 

Perhaps some of you reading this who know Him may scoff at what I'm saying. Some may laugh and say that He was full of Himself and not smart at all. Others may think I'm downright putting Him on a pedestal because I love Him and I'm using super thick rose colored glasses to look at Him with. I don't care, I know, what I know.  I knew one other person like Him and she didn't understand her own brilliance either and couldn't comprehend the lack of brilliance in others. She was quite shocked when I pointed out to her that most people are NOT like her, she was in the minority. My Answer Giver was in the minority too, often much to my chagrin. 

*******

We are to ask all the questions we can while our loved ones live. 

Would I have asked more questions of Jerry had I known the day of this death?

Yes, a thousand times, yes. 

At least, I think I would if I could have come to a place of belief in that knowledge. The truth is, we don't usually know the day of a person's death. I say usually because some people die very slowly and do have time to answer questions. My mother died very slowly. We knew she had terminal cancer and Alzheimer's both and that her time of mental clarity was growing shorter, and physically she would leave us in just a matter of a year, year and a half from diagnose.  Did I ask my mom questions? I did. My younger sister, Elizabeth asked her a lot of questions about her life, a lot. We asked questions of a woman who meant so much to us as our mother. A loving mother, one we could not have ask for better. She raised us with love- unconditional love. She raised us as best she knew how. She gave us so much, taught us so much, loved us so much. I had questions, but….  Yes, I have to add a 'but'… because those questions were not the questions of a wife to a husband about their entire life, and a future alone. Jerry tried to prepare me by giving me a list of his tools and such and prices to ask for them should I need to sell them. He told me not to grieve more than three days and most certainly not more than a month- ahhhh, grieving is a lifelong process in this case more than any other I've had to face.  Jerry tried to prepare me a bit, without conceding to any reality of a nearing death. We still talked of the future together that we thought we'd have. We talked of next spring…and getting a load of fresh compost for our garden… next spring, there will be no fresh load of compost, no garden. I still don't know if I'll even be living here. 

Talk to your loved ones now without believing it's morbid to do so. Talk about that gadget in the garage and hey, even write the answer down somewhere because people forget- I've forgotten so much He tried to teach me, so much.

I have questions.

Ecc_9:10  Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.