Our lives are in a state of constant change whether we notice or not. Constant change, never ending change, change without end- ah yes, I've said the same thing enough now that you know what I'm hinting at. Change can be good, bad, or neither- it can just be neutral, you know that unnoticeable kind of change. I think we mostly prefer the neutral change even more than a good change. How can I say that? Because even 'good' changes are in fact changes that take us out of that neutrality we seem to crave in order to continue our lives on an even keel, and who doesn't like that even keel? Smooth sailing, sailing without any hitch in the giddy-ups. Sailing and horses, who would have thought they'd go together in any sort of metaphor? We don’t like too rough of waters, we don't want to be without wind in our sails (especially when we are motorless), and we absolutely do not want any hitches in any of our giddy-ups. No details there, we all have giddy-ups and a hitch in them only spells trouble. Change, good or bad can produce hitches and uneven keels. We may love the fact we've been given good news- a new job, a new home, a new car, a new love, a new baby- but with each of those things comes change (you can't get anything new without altering the old in some way, giving up at least a part of it). Giving up the old can be like leaving a best friend behind, giving up a family heirloom, having to start twelfth grade in a brand new high school, and so on and so forth. Our excitement for the 'good' change is often tempered by the anxiousness of change itself. Anxiety is so incredibly common it exists in the majority of people on some level. People will go to great lengths to ease their anxiousness, wanting the even keel experience of life that gives us the most calm. We take pills, drink, smoke, eat, exercise, meditate, pray… yes, there are many ways we seek calm water throughout of lives…many, many ways and a lot of those ways are not good ways, but a lot are also actually good too. It's all a part of us trying to bring peace into our ever changing, anxiety producing lives.
Change. Some people go through life saying they don't like change. Others go through life craving change- they can barely handle the smooth waters, to them they are just too calm, too boring, too mundane. Then there are some people who live on that middle ground of change- they want it slowly, on their own terms, just enough to keep their lives interesting for them.
Forced change, this is the worst kind of change we experience. When we say to someone who has experienced a forced change that it's all part of life, don't be too upset, get over it, don't dwell on it, move on, think of better days, time will make it alright, don’t worry, we've all been there… need I go on? No, I don't think I need to go on, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The tragedy of forced change is that it tips the boat over, capsizing it, barely keeping it afloat enough to preserve life. Forced change hitches the giddy-up so that there is absolutely no giddy-upping at all, there is barely a limping slow walk. Forced change can be anything from the sudden loss of a job, the loss of a home through fire, foreclosure and so on, the loss of… you know what I'm going to say because it's what I've been dealing with for a little over two and half months now. The forced change of losing a loved one- be it a parent, grandparent, child, sibling, friend, fur or furless animal friend, or a spouse, any forced change through the loss of someone you love is awful.
Through my fifty-nine years of existence and the hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands- I'm not going to say millions, I'm just not, of changes that I've gone through - the tiniest to the biggest- this loss of my spouse is the absolute worse. (Let me say right now that it probably isn't the worst loss a person can experience- just my worst at this point in my life.)
I WANT to get used to it. I WANT to get over it. I WANT to accept it. I WANT to feel better. I WANT to get my boat back on an even keel. I WANT the hitch to get out of my giddy-up. I WANT time to heal me. I WANT all those lovely, truly well-meaning, genuinely good-intentioned wishes that are coming right from the very hearts of my loved ones- family and friends, to be realized in my life and you know what, I KNOW they will happen, they just haven't happened yet.
It's different for everyone, you never really get over it, some days will be better than others… these are all the things that people who have experienced this forced change have told me… and I BELIEVE them.
I CHERISH each and every prayer spoken for me. I CHERISH every thought given on my behalf. I cannot tell each of you personally just how much I LOVE you and I mean that, I'm not just saying it flippantly. I LOVE that you have blessed me with your kindness even for a single fleeting moment in your lives. Those well-meant words are the way we tell someone we CARE for them, and caring for another person is something we need to truly appreciate at our very core, it's all a part of loving one another as we need to do, as our Savior would have us do.
Please, if you've read this far through all my same ol', same ol' as I dredge through my need to write as if it might, just might help me in some way… please, don't stop giving me all your well-meaning words, I need them. The verbal/visual arms thrown around me hugging my very soul with each 'like', 'love', 'caring' and all the comments keep me grounded in a way I can't explain. Maybe because you are all life preserver for me in my stormy sea and I can cling to your presence and know none of you will let me drown. Thank you for that, thank you for not letting me drown.
Please, say a prayer for me if you can- my boat is on a very stormy sea right now, and that hitch, well, that hitch has my giddy-up gone at the moment and the horse is refusing to move except for the occasional pawing at the ground, and a shifting from foot to foot.
Change If life is constantly changing, I so long for a better tolerance to it all. May I receive the peace that passes all understanding that only God can give me- as I go through this very rough change, and all changes to come. Jesus, leaves His peace with me….
Joh_14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for Your peace!
And thank you, family and friends for your love, for being life preservers I can grab hold of just by knowing you're there. Loves!
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