Your Silence.

 The quiet. Why is my life so quiet without you? It's a theme that hits me over and over, the quiet being so much more than no sound.  I hear sounds all around me, you know the sounds. My own breathing, my own footsteps, the words I speak to the cat and the reply -a mewling kittenish meow. I hear the noises of existence, but the absence of you has created such a huge void in the sounds of my life.  When you were still here I could be alone out in the garden, but the noise of your presence was with me there, your words echoing in my mind. That okra I cut was a part of you, for you, because the dirt was tilled and rows furrowed, the tiny seeds dropped no more than an inch deep into the ground. Covering the seeds, the watering began- each day enough until the sprouts broke through. I heard your voice, I saw your smile because I told you the okra was growing. You had no doubt it would grow, yet the joy of knowing was so pleasing to you, to us. Not days, not weeks, but months and the first flower opened- soon, so soon baby okra pods, and your joy. You were there so loud in my garden every day. The okra grew for you and now it is silently fading, the noise of you in my garden dying along with the tall, almost leafless stalks and last pods waiting to be picked. The noise of you then - is the slow silencing of you now. I hear your joy for a moment, I smile in remembrance, then I cry in remembering I can only hear your joy in echoes of the past. Yes, they say everyone grieves differently and there are commonalities in all grief- it's true. Do they speak of the quiet? Of a stilled presence? Do you know how loud you are just in existing? Is this why a person not seen or heard from in years can pass away and still be mourned bitterly? Their existence adds to the silencing of a world, each of our worlds slipping into that silence. One silencing after another. We never stop missing them. We never stop hearing the echo of their lives replaying in our minds. The echoes bring smiles and tears -sometimes both at once. 

I know the quiet around me from your absence will never be completely filled again. New noises will take over, they have to take over, they have to slip in to fill a void that would otherwise be too consuming. I can listen to the sound of my breathing, I can no longer listen to yours, I can no longer listen to our breathing together. I hear my breath in the quiet and I feel alone. Two flesh become one in marriage, two breaths become one. I understand now why this one flesh becomes two again, and the emptiness, that void so incredibly huge, that death brings- why it exists. Death has torn us into two, you sleep your deepest most peaceful sleep, and I am awake. Jesus wept when a beloved friend of His died, He wept, He mourned. Jesus wept over the spiritually sleeping- those who chose and choose to be separate from Him. 

There is pain in death, death has a sting and we cannot ignore that sting with platitudes seeking to soothe. Recognizing the sting of death, the horrors of death, is how we can comprehend why our Savior came to save us- He will end death. Jesus Christ my Savior will END DEATH. What a wondrous, glorious God, promising us an end to death and all the incredible agonies it brings.

You've grown silent my love, and I must feel the sting of that silence for the rest of my life. As the noise of you slowly fades and I can no longer share my joys- the simple, yet miraculous joy of an okra pod ready to be picked, fried and eaten- I can grasp hold of the memories of that past joy and for now - try to smile. 

1Co 15:55  O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? 

1Co 15:56  The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. 

1Co 15:57  But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 

1Co 15:51  Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, 

1Co 15:52  In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. 

1Co 15:53  For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. 

1Co 15:54  So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.