I had to do it, or did I? I could have asked someone else to do it, I know several people who would have probably been happy to do it for me if I'd asked them, but I didn't. Why didn't I ask them? Because there are a lot of things I could ask other people to do because they are too hard for me to do, but I don't think that would make me feel better at all, not really. Part of the process of grief is confronting the hard things, the things you know you have to do and don't want to do because it hurts emotionally to have your heart squeezed so tightly you can't breathe. No one likes that heart squeezing experience that causes your whole body to shiver as you try simultaneously not cry even as you are crying. That war against the tears is an awful battle. You might think it's easier just to cry, but when you've cried so much it's just not easier. The struggle to not cry versus the crying outright and trying to figure out which is easier, because neither is better than the other, is just another aspect to my grieving- four months in.
What was it I had to do? It's Hurricane Ian's fault, but I had to clean Sunjo- the chainsaw. If you've read any of these posts in the past you may remember me mentioning that cleaning Sunjo was Jerry's special job. Today I had to clean Sunjo because the 15ft (or so) Mango tree I grew from a seedling 8 years ago, needed to be sawed into pieces so it could be carried to the curb.
I picked the filthy Sunjo up and set it down on the little circular table on top of an old flat piece of cardboard, and just looked at it for the longest time. The memories came crashing back full force. YOU sat at this very table, YOU sat in this very chair, YOU had Sunjo right there in front of YOU! The LAST time you worked in the garage! YOU…YOU…YOU… you… tried to show me how to do it, you DID show me how to do it, but every single thing you showed me that day decided to slip into a deep, dark brain crevice marked inaccessible, emotional overload, please avoid this area for the time being.
There was deep agonizing going on as I stared at the chainsaw, the innocent Sunjo, we laughed at for having given it a name. Sure we could have just called it a 'chainsaw', most people just call their chainsaws- chainsaw, as in… "I'm going to get the chainsaw, I have some work to do." Or "Where'd you put the chainsaw it's not where it's supposed to be?" They don't give their chainsaws names. We weren’t very original in our name giving as you know- Sun Joe is a company that sells chainsaws etc. There probably are others who call their chainsaw Sunjo too, but I don't know, and it's just silly anyway to be even talking about it. I'm deflecting, I know I am, but it's necessary- it splits the moments up into bearable chunks of emotional pain, rather than settling down on the whole glob of emotional goo overload at once.
Sunjo, truth be told, you weren't our first Sunjo, you should have been called Sunjo 2.0, but it doesn't matter, I need to stop deflecting. I sat there and I can't tell you how long I sat there- the clock in the garage died a couple months back and I keep looking for it in the place it used to hang- the place you liked it to hang, the place I'd go to, or Matt would go to twice a year to change as daylight savings time messed with us, or other times when the battery would die. The clock just died and no battery could revive it, no…. Battery could revive you either and you did have one right there in your chest, a battery to jump start your damaged heart, a battery that was never used for that jump start- your heart gave out too quickly for it to spark you back to life. Uhoh… deflecting turned very dark, time to change the subject…
I sat there and finally I realized I couldn't do it. I know I said I did it, and I did do it, but I didn't do it right then. I got up and went in the house and grabbed up the metal file box you kept where all (most) of your manuals for all the many things you bought through the years was, and brought it to the kitchen table. I spent the next hour or so going through ALL the manuals sorting them into categories- Electronics, Kitchen, Health, Garage… and even after I came across Sunjo's manual, I kept sorting until I was done. There was one more pile though, the garbage one on the floor where I tossed the useless manuals. The useless manuals for the things we no longer had, or the things that would never need a manual (do you need a manual for the bathroom scale you bought five years ago?)
After I put everything back away in order for the most part I took Sunjo's manual outside to the garage and yes, I sat down in front of Sunjo once more. The deep grief didn't claw at my heart this time, but rather settled inside it like the heaviest of rocks. I had to do this, but at least now I didn't have to try to access the inaccessible brain file which seemed to have put up a few more padlocks in the last hour. I didn't WANT to remember your instructions, I know I didn't and I know why… because they came with the memory of the sound of your voice, with the look on your face, with the dirt on your hands, with the tools I'd handed you, with the overwhelmingly 3D, 4D, 5D, holographic, sight, sound, smell, touch memory of YOU! OH THE PAIN!!!
(Pause)
(Continue)
I had to do it, I did it. I cleaned Sunjo and for now… for right now that's enough, even though there are so many more details I could share. Enough is enough for one day, I'm tired…bone tired…heart tired.
My yard is minus one mango tree while the other tiny mango tree Jerry's bought- an Orange Sherbert Mango Tree- is still struggling to stay alive, propped up quite inexpertly by Matt and I.
The wonder of God, the wonder of our loving LORD, God of all creation, can be seen perfectly as all the plant life that can is fighting back with new shoots, new roots, new life after being whipped in winds that stripped them bare, weathering a category 4 hurricane or was it 5 I don't know. Much like my heart- stripped bare, but there are new shoots, new roots, new life because my Lord and Savior is the keeper of my heart, the healer of my heart now and forever!
Psa_27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
Psa_28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.
Psa_31:24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.
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