Choosing to Hope Rather Than Despair

 Tribulation- a cause of great trouble or suffering.

My God tells me to be patient in my great suffering. What do I think that means? Does it matter what I think it means? What matters is what it does mean- Patient… accepting suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious. 

Accept the suffering. Is there a certain sense of relief in accepting the suffering rather than railing against it, fighting to get rid of the awfulness? We do that, we fight. We are engulfed in the pain of life. The pain of our bodies degrading in various ways as we age. The pain of our loved ones suffering and our being unable to relieve any of that suffering. The pain of our hearts being crushed by grief. We are to accept all this pain when our very soul screams so loud our minds are lost to hear anything but our cry as it reverberates through our entire existence. 

Accepting the suffering WITHOUT becoming annoyed or anxious.

Accepting the suffering. 

We really have little choice but to accept when the suffering comes. We'd stop it if we could, We'd change things if it were possible. We have to accept it, but how that acceptance manifests itself is something we can try to influence, right?

God tells us to accept our suffering without being upset or worried, and he tells us that we are to rejoice in HOPE, we are to CONTINUE in prayer instantly.

How do we accept our suffering? With hope and prayer.

Without hope and prayer we will flounder our way through our sufferings, our tribulations. 

Is it possible to get through tribulations in our life without hope and prayer? Ask any atheist and they'll tell you that of course it is possible. They may even scoff at the suggestion hope and prayer do anything at all. They may be very proud of their ability to take charge of their lives in times of deep anguish and push through it, rationalize it as they believe they must. 

My God offers me help in my tribulation, and I'll be the first to admit I need His help desperately. I need the HOPE He alone offers! I need the ability to communicate with my God. I need to know beyond doubt there truly is a reason for all the suffering that takes place, and that ALL the suffering even the most unfair kind, is temporary to eternity.  

Rejoice in HOPE, patient in TRIBULATION, continuing instant in PRAYER.

Tribulation is surrounded on either side by Hope and Prayer.

My God is in control… 

For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. Isa. 41:13

Satan would have us despair- to lose all hope- to wallow in the darkest recesses of our abysmal anguish. 

The war I'm fighting with my grief is choosing to hope rather than despair. 

I will weep, and by God's grace they will be tears of refreshing. The rain needing to pour from my heart to water the hope of my soul-- this is my prayer.  

Rom 12:12  Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer

Rejoice.  To give joy to. Delight, exult, glory. 

We aren't to rejoice simply for the sake of rejoicing. We are told to rejoice in HOPE. Rejoice in the HOPE of our SAVIOR!

'Why art thou cast down, O my soul,and why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God. Psa 43.

HOPE, v.t. To desire with expectation of good, or a belief that it may be obtained

Rejoice in the expectation of good, in the belief the good will be obtained.  We aren't to rejoice in ourselves. We'll have tribulation so much tribulation in our lives. In that tribulation we must be patient. How can we be patient in tribulation- through hope, as we are instant in prayer.

Rom 12:15  Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. 

Rejoice with me even as you weep with me. All by the grace and mercy of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

Rest My Grieving Heart

 My grief is not something out of the ordinary, my mind tells me this but my heart cries out- it is! This isn't ordinary! This is so far from ordinary how do people survive?! 

They do, though, all the time, they survive.

My heart can't overrule my mind, not this time. I must put my heart to sleep, let the numbness that seeps in bit by bit enter unchallenged. My heart fights against unfeeling. My heart would rather ache than sleep, but my mind knows in order to heal the agony of living with death I have to let my heart grow quiet, stop its tears.  Do hearts cry? They have to because the tears from my eyes are no longer matching the tears still spilling from my heart. 

Rest now my heart, let this particular wave of tears roll gently into the shore, let this tide of grief subside for a while, as tides are wont to do, rest.

*******

Trials and tribulations. 

They enter our lives these trials and tribulations wreaking havoc with our normalcy. They stir our passionate responses and remind us of the horrors sin has inflicted upon us. We weren't meant to live our lives filled with agonies interspersed with joy. This was never how it was intended and deep down we all know this to be true. Admit it or not, it's truth. I know this isn't how it will always be. I know each and every trial, all the tribulations are temporary to eternity. I will cling to the hope of my Savior who died so I could have the gift of salvation through Him. That salvation will be a life of the purest love in eternity, life how it was supposed to be.  May God keep us in HIM as we face the horrible tragedies sin chokes us with time and time again, threatening to drag us to despair. God forbid we ever despair of the hope found in Jesus Christ, our Lord!

1Pe 1:7  That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ

1Pe 4:12  Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: 

1Pe 4:13  But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 

Joh_16:33  These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Act_14:22  Confirming the souls of the disciples, and exhorting them to continue in the faith, and that we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God.

Rom 8:35  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 

Rom 8:36  As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. 

Rom 8:37  Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 

Rom 8:38  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 

Rom 8:39  Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

While I Was Weeping.

 From a seed to a seedling, my daily vigil witnessing the miracle of gardening, I took you along with me on my journey.  It was never trivial to you. You shared my happiness over the blooming Sunflowers, the Morning Glories- you were there when I lamented of them ever flowering, and you were there when their purple wonder opened on the long vines. You laughed when I told you the Morning Glories were taking over the garden, and I can still see your smile slip away when I mentioned how much they were even enjoying the okra stalks. Okra plants were sacred to you and their being invaded by the Morning Glories was frowned upon. Still, you didn't mind, not as long as your okra blossoms in their glorious yellow and deep purple flourish alongside the invader vines.  

This year you were looking so forward to the okra, and I praise God you were able to enjoy it a few times as it started to produce. There we were, sitting around the dining table once again- and you asked after the okra a week before you left us. I told you it was finally starting to get taller, you mentioned the summer rain is when it will really take off. I said, I really like the tall okra, not the short stuff- you see- I bought various kinds okra seeds- trying them all. You readily agreed that you too liked the tall okra, the taller the better--   we shared a smile. We were waiting on the taller okra… we were waiting on the summer rains…  they came while I was weeping.

I'll continue to watch the okra grow, and the tallest stalks will be a constant reminder of you, of me, of us.

The Zinnias out front were so small, you were waiting for them to bloom. 

They too, as I wept, dared to keep on living, keep on growing, budding and yes, now blossoming-- their beauty marred only by my being unable to share it with you. I know though, I know you'd smile and I can see your smile etched in my heart. Sleep on love, sleep on as the world continues to turn, as the flowers continue to blossom, the okra continues its ascent towards the sky. Sleep on, in the peace of a rest deserved after so much pain. Sleep on for now. I love you. 

*******

"…not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit saith the LORD of hosts."  Zech. 4:6

By the Spirit of the LORD,  I live.

"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth." Heb.11:13

I am persuaded of the future promised resurrection, the future promised new earth, until then I confess I am a stranger and pilgrim on this sin filled world.

"But now they desire a better country, that is, an heavenly: wherefore God is not ashamed to be called their God: for he hath prepared for them a city." Heb.11:16 

I desire a heavenly country prepared by God unashamedly. My God prepares.

"Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season; Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt: for he had respect unto the recompence of the reward." Heb. 11:25,26

Suffer now, refuse sins pleasure. Christ worth more than anything this world has to offer-- anything! No earthly treasure is greater than Christ, not a single one! All the suffering of living now worth the joy of Christ eternally. 

All by the grace and mercy of the Lord, Jesus Christ, my Savior now and forever! Amen!

Twenty-One Days Ago...

 Twenty days tomorrow, how is that possible? How? Twenty-one days ago you were still living. Twenty-one days ago at this very moment I was sitting in my chair in our bedroom, and you were sitting in your wheelchair near me. I say near me but truthfully, there was too much distance between us- wheelchair dictated distance, along with an injured shoulder on my part -I could no longer pull my recliner close to you. Prior to your surgery way back in May of 2021, we sat next to each other every night and we'd hold hands. 

No not the entire night, but from 11pm to 1am, it was our ritual of intimacy. A ritual that slipped away as you slipped away from me. I didn't know, I couldn't know that part of our lives was slipping away never to be recovered, we always kept recovery's hope for our future, always. 

The distance between our two chairs wasn't meant to be forever. Our lives changed, and while the ritual of intimacy altered it wasn't completely gone- not a single night went by without a kiss, a hug, and an, "I love you."  

Twenty-one days ago you were watching your television shows, the shows you watched without me. Why without me? Because it was the Sabbath still.

You didn't let the Sabbath separate us though. You still wanted me near you. I would put on headphones and start listening to my Christian music, or sermons and the occasional Christian movie. The majority of time I would be immersed in my worship through song and study, and as I'd get caught up in the music I'd sing out loud and you never censured me, never told me to be quiet, never told me to stop singing, never once told me to leave the room. Even when my worship songs had me singing at the top of my lungs, you just carried on as if it wasn't a problem at all whatsoever. Why? Why did you choose to have me there with you, in the room as I worshiped in song, rather than send me out to another room where you didn't have to hear any of it at all? I offered, more than once, I offered and you always said no, you wanted me in there with you. Even though I was a million miles away in my worship of God, you wanted me there with you physically. I asked why, but I know why, I do…  you loved me and didn't want that distance from me not even for a single night. 

Twenty-one nights ago you were with me, as the Sabbath ended you turned to me and asked if it were over. I told you, yes, and we began to watch our shows. Even as you would play your Mahjong on the computer and I'd continue with my studies, or other things- we would watch our shows. 1 o'clock came along, I went to you… I kissed you goodnight…I hugged you… I told you I love you…  you kissed me goodnight… you hugged me…. You told me you love me…

….for the very last time. 

Oh, those words! For the very last time! My days are filled with those words! You did this for the very last time! You did that for the very last time! It was the last time you had that! It was the last time you said this! For the very last time you laughed! For the last time you looked at me! I remember, oh, I remember that last look! I remember…your eyes were filled with shocked surprise, and mine mirrored yours, our last look… for the very last time…

…until eternity.

Twenty-one nights ago you were alive loving me for me. You didn't let our spiritual differences separate us, and I know you could have, but you didn't- you loved me so much. Stripped of that love is it any wonder I'm wandering aimlessly grasping at the past trying to gather as much of that love as I can. This patchwork quilt of memories I wrap daily around my heart just to keep it beating…just to keep yours beating with mine for as long as I can.

Why am I sharing our love with others, why am I letting them gaze through this window of our lives, of our past? Because, my grief is bleeding through my words, my mourning pouring out of my soul, each letter a tear. And, I can't seem to quiet this desperation inside that wanders the hollow halls of my life empty of you. 

Psa 56:8 … put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? 

Psa 39:12  Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were. 

Psa 39:13  O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more

Isa_25:8  He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it.

Rev_7:17  For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.

Rev_21:4  And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Because He Lives- 

God sent His son, they called Him Jesus

He came to love, heal and forgive

He lived and died to buy my pardon

An empty grave is there to prove my savior lives

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living, just because He lives

How sweet to hold a newborn baby

And feel the pride and joy He gives

But greater still the calm assurance

This child can face uncertain day, because He lives

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living, just because He lives

And then one day, I'll cross the river

I'll fight life's final war with pain

And then, as death gives way to victory

I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He reigns

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living, just because He lives

I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living, just because He lives

I Will Meet You In Eternity.

 2Co 4:17  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory

Every awful, heavy weight designed by evil to crush our very existence is a LIGHT affliction.

Every pain, heartache, devastation meant to steal all our hope now and through eternity's endless time- is but a MOMENT in light of the infinity of life.

All the horrors of life ARE WORTH the eternal weight…the glory of our God, our Lord, our Savior. 

2Co 4:18  While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for 

the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Unseen eternity- let us look to the unseen.

Unseen eternity- life beyond this life.

Unseen eternity- our hope.

Unseen eternity- we will meet in eternity when that very last trump sounds. When my Lord appears in the sky! When He calls us to meet Him in the air! Then… then I will meet you in eternity.

That which is unseen will be seen.

I'm not looking at what is seen.

I'm looking for the unseen.

The hope of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

The hope of the unseen you.

The day you awake from death's sleep.

The day we meet our Lord together.

The day our eternity is realized.

Hope is unseen.

Hope is reality.

I know hope, I know Jesus my Savior.

I know you.

I will see my Savior.

I will see you again, Jerry.

Sleep my love, our Lord is awake.

Our Lord will return.

Our Lord will wake all the dead.

Our Lord will change all the living.

I will meet you in eternity, whether I'm living or dead when that glorious day arrives.

All by the grace and mercy of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, now and forever! Amen!

*******

2Co 4:1  Therefore seeing we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we faint not

Mercy. I faint not.

2Co 4:2  But have renounced the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully; but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.

In the sight of God. 

2Co 4:3  But if our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost

Hidden to the lost.

2Co 4:4  In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them. 

Blinded from, not by, the light of the glorious gospel of Christ!

2Co 4:5  For we preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; and ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake. 

Preach Christ Jesus.

2Co 4:6  For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 

God commands light into our dark hearts.

2Co 4:7  But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. 

We CANNOT put the treasure in ourselves, we have no power to do so.

2Co 4:8  We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair

Troubled- so many troubles.

Perplexed- so much perplexity.

No distress, no despair- trust in God.

2Co 4:9  Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed

Persecuted.

Cast down.

Not forsaken, not destroyed- trust in God.

2Co 4:10  Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. 

Willing to suffer - to believe.

2Co 4:11  For we which live are alway delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh. 

Willing to die-  to believe.

2Co 4:12  So then death worketh in us, but life in you. 

Sharing Christ, willing to die to give the knowledge of life everlasting. 

2Co 4:13  We having the same spirit of faith, according as it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak

We believe-we speak.

2Co 4:14  Knowing that he which raised up the Lord Jesus shall raise up us also by Jesus, and shall present us with you. 

God raised His Son! God will raise us up- by His Son! 

2Co 4:15  For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. 

Grace given! Thanksgiving raised up loud! All to the GLORY of GOD!

2Co 4:16  For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. 

We perish now… but we will be renewed in Christ every day!

The Song of Jerry.

 The silence. You weren't loud, so why is the silence so deafening now? Just your presence was noise, how couldn't I have known that? I should have known. For eleven months you were in and out of hospitals and rehabs, I spent many hours without you here at home with me- but the noise of you was still here with me. Noise is so much more than sound did you know that? Your entire living being was its own sound. The sound of you. The knowledge of you alive even when  you were miles away, was its own music in my life. The background melody of my own song. The melody didn't fade away slowly, it was cut off abruptly. Yes, you were in poor health, but for so long we lived with that as the tune you played. The skips in the vinyl we constantly reset, even when there were more scratches than smooth playing. It was your song being played and I thought we were on the same recording, I never realized we were on two separate players, and when yours stopped, mine would keep going. The song of you has ended and my song keeps reaching out for yours…only to be met by silence. 

The first of many days throughout a year that we held as being special, was today- my birthday. I can still picture your face, and hear your voice as we were talking around the dinner table- you, me, the kids and you asked, "So, what do you want for your birthday?"  I didn't know, I couldn't have known then you'd be gone on my birthday. I told you I didn't want anything, but we both knew my wheels were just turning as I tried to figure out what I'd eventually tell you I wanted. I never got to tell you the things I was mulling over…  Was it better that way? You not knowing, not ordering something, not having that last gift from you after you were gone? I don't know. What I do know is I have many years of birthday cards, many years of birthday memories to hold on to, I have our birthday songs.

The silence of you on this day, when birthday traditions came and went without being met, was broken by the love of my children, my family, my friends with all their birthday greetings for me, their phone calls, their messages, their love.  I am blessed.

In my new found solo recording, I can hear the still small voice of God. 

1Ki_19:12  … and after the fire a still small voice.

Thank you, Lord for keeping me from singing alone. You aren't the song of Jerry, but You created Jerry's song for my life, You created my song, and Your still small voice united our songs together. Your still small voice separated our songs. Your still small voice is a voice of love, of promise for a day when all our songs will be reunited once more in eternity with You. 

All glory, praise, and honor to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Now and forever. Amen!!!!!!!

Ashes of My Beloved.

 The call came, not to me but to my sister Beth. They tried to reach me, but I didn't answer. They tried over and over and finally they called the other number they had- my sister's. I didn't purposely ignore their call, my cellphone was in my purse, neglected because that phone and I have never been close friends. To some, their phones are an extension of their arms, their lives, I use a laptop/tablet for my online life. So, yes, my cellphone was in my purse dead for all intents and purposes, the battery life - zero. So, I didn't get the call, as I said… my sister did. 

The blessing that my sister is to me, she knew better than to call me with the news, she came over to my house, sat down with me, talked with me a little bit and then she said…

"The crematorium called, Dorene, Jerry's ashes are ready to be picked up." Her voice was soft, filled with compassion, her eyes already brimming with unshed tears for me, for her, for the whole of all those who are mourning the loss of my husband.

My reaction to the news? Honestly, I don't know what I said. I do know I heard my sister ask me more than once, "Where are you, Dorene? You're not here with me."  I was zoning out, I was lost in that numb world of those who mourn, the void so large it truly is easy to get lost inside of it and have no outward reaction at all because for the moment it's all too overwhelming.

Then the tears came, and the howling in my heart was so loud, so internally deafening, I zoned out again. That tiny spark of unreality, that teeny tiny bit that longed for none of this to be real, that there'd been some awful mistake, that Jerry was really alive and would be coming back home - that almost non-existence unreality of a thought was crushed by the heel of that call, ground down into nothingness, everything was all too real- Jerry was gone, real, real gone…  

And one of many songs Jerry loved by Van Morrison - his favorite singer - just echoed in my mind- because he used to sing it to me… I was His love, He was real gone on me… but now when I hear those words-  real, real gone…my mind trips over their meaning… and changes it to Jerry being real, real gone. 

This thing called grief is huge! This thing called grief twists reality- taking what you knew to be your normal and smashing it to pieces all the while offering you tidbits of itself because you so desperately want that life back! You grasp at some of the old normal, but the lingering newness of even the old normal actions are now tainted by the new truth of the new normal.

I wasn't this way with my mother's passing! My mother wasn't cleaved to me, my mother wasn't one flesh with me- Jerry was one with me- my husband by the grace of God, in the sight of God, we were joined. Now…now…there is a void. In that void my Lord God promises me protection, promises healing, gives me hope, peace, love. 

Jerry's ashes were there on the counter of the small office, and I reached for them, he was mine to hold. I held the box with what remains of him physically in my arms all the way home, and he sat on the table with my arms, my hands around him for a long while. I carried him to another room with me, and then yet another, then I knew… I needed to put Him down- I couldn't keep carrying him with me, he wouldn't want me to.  I walked over to the chess set he'd made a few years back, a chess set he proudly showed off and rightly so - it's a thing of beauty- and I made a place for him there on top of it. So there his ashes are for now. My heart is filled with pain, yet love; anguish, yet peace; grief, yet hope. The mourning goes on for now, and as my oldest sister who also lost her beloved husband, Ben, has told me- the mourning never stops entirely- it just lessens. The loss is never forgotten, but the pain grows dim. From time to time it will rear up and take the breath away, but it won't be like it is right now- a constant battle to breathe.  I will hide under the wings of my Savior, I will let His feathers cover me, He will be my shield and buckler through this spiritual, emotional, physical war of grief. 

Psa 91:4  He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. 

*

Psa 91:1  He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 

Psa 91:2  I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. 

Psa 91:3  Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. 

Psa 91:4  He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. 

Psa 91:5  Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; 

Psa 91:6  Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday. 

Psa 91:7  A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee. 

Psa 91:8  Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked. 

Psa 91:9  Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; 

Psa 91:10  There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. 

Psa 91:11  For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. 

Psa 91:12  They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone. 

Psa 91:13  Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet. 

Psa 91:14  Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. 

Psa 91:15  He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him. 

Psa 91:16  With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.