Twenty days tomorrow, how is that possible? How? Twenty-one days ago you were still living. Twenty-one days ago at this very moment I was sitting in my chair in our bedroom, and you were sitting in your wheelchair near me. I say near me but truthfully, there was too much distance between us- wheelchair dictated distance, along with an injured shoulder on my part -I could no longer pull my recliner close to you. Prior to your surgery way back in May of 2021, we sat next to each other every night and we'd hold hands.
No not the entire night, but from 11pm to 1am, it was our ritual of intimacy. A ritual that slipped away as you slipped away from me. I didn't know, I couldn't know that part of our lives was slipping away never to be recovered, we always kept recovery's hope for our future, always.
The distance between our two chairs wasn't meant to be forever. Our lives changed, and while the ritual of intimacy altered it wasn't completely gone- not a single night went by without a kiss, a hug, and an, "I love you."
Twenty-one days ago you were watching your television shows, the shows you watched without me. Why without me? Because it was the Sabbath still.
You didn't let the Sabbath separate us though. You still wanted me near you. I would put on headphones and start listening to my Christian music, or sermons and the occasional Christian movie. The majority of time I would be immersed in my worship through song and study, and as I'd get caught up in the music I'd sing out loud and you never censured me, never told me to be quiet, never told me to stop singing, never once told me to leave the room. Even when my worship songs had me singing at the top of my lungs, you just carried on as if it wasn't a problem at all whatsoever. Why? Why did you choose to have me there with you, in the room as I worshiped in song, rather than send me out to another room where you didn't have to hear any of it at all? I offered, more than once, I offered and you always said no, you wanted me in there with you. Even though I was a million miles away in my worship of God, you wanted me there with you physically. I asked why, but I know why, I do… you loved me and didn't want that distance from me not even for a single night.
Twenty-one nights ago you were with me, as the Sabbath ended you turned to me and asked if it were over. I told you, yes, and we began to watch our shows. Even as you would play your Mahjong on the computer and I'd continue with my studies, or other things- we would watch our shows. 1 o'clock came along, I went to you… I kissed you goodnight…I hugged you… I told you I love you… you kissed me goodnight… you hugged me…. You told me you love me…
….for the very last time.
Oh, those words! For the very last time! My days are filled with those words! You did this for the very last time! You did that for the very last time! It was the last time you had that! It was the last time you said this! For the very last time you laughed! For the last time you looked at me! I remember, oh, I remember that last look! I remember…your eyes were filled with shocked surprise, and mine mirrored yours, our last look… for the very last time…
…until eternity.
Twenty-one nights ago you were alive loving me for me. You didn't let our spiritual differences separate us, and I know you could have, but you didn't- you loved me so much. Stripped of that love is it any wonder I'm wandering aimlessly grasping at the past trying to gather as much of that love as I can. This patchwork quilt of memories I wrap daily around my heart just to keep it beating…just to keep yours beating with mine for as long as I can.
Why am I sharing our love with others, why am I letting them gaze through this window of our lives, of our past? Because, my grief is bleeding through my words, my mourning pouring out of my soul, each letter a tear. And, I can't seem to quiet this desperation inside that wanders the hollow halls of my life empty of you.
Psa 56:8 … put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
Psa 39:12 Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were.
Psa 39:13 O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more
Isa_25:8 He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it.
Rev_7:17 For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.
Rev_21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
Because He Lives-
God sent His son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal and forgive
He lived and died to buy my pardon
An empty grave is there to prove my savior lives
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives
How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy He gives
But greater still the calm assurance
This child can face uncertain day, because He lives
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives
And then one day, I'll cross the river
I'll fight life's final war with pain
And then, as death gives way to victory
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He reigns
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives
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