The last time ignites memories of the first time. Take those aged murky visions and wipe the accumulated dust of the years aside. Peering into the past isn't easy, even when the dust is blown away - the colors have faded, the details blurred. I see you there though, I see the light of your love for me filling your beautiful brown eyes the first time we met.
Tiny details that make up life. I remember the first time you cut your hair- you cut it for me. The curls that crowned your head were shaved away, and there you were, and there you remained, a shaven head from that moment on. Oh, you weren't completely shaven, most would call it a buzz cut. The short hair left on your head was so soft, so fuzzy.
From then on you'd shave your head then call me in to cut what you missed. In those few minutes you began a ritual you continued right up until four days before you left me.
Ear wiggles. Yes, I said ear wiggles. I never knew anyone other than you who could wiggle their ears - without any aid from fingers. Your ear wiggling was unique, and try as I might I could never wiggle my ears and yes, I tried much to your great amusement.
As I picked up the razor and began to glide it over your head letting it clip away at the few patches of hair you missed, you'd look at me in the mirror and wiggle the ear of whatever side of your head I was trimming. I'd smiled, reach out with my unoccupied hand and tug on your ear lobe, grinning back at you. We both smile, such a sweet intimate smile at this tiny ritual in our life. Then, you'd wiggle your other ear and I'd look at you in the mirror and shrug my one shoulder - hey, I had to do something, I couldn't wiggle my ear. You'd laughed, so many times you laughed at my poor attempt at imitation. You would think that throughout the years we'd grow tired of our ear wiggling, tugging, shoulder shrugging game- we did not.
Four days, just four days before you left me you called me into the bathroom where you were sitting in your wheelchair in front of the sink. You asked me to finish cutting your hair, and there was a lot to trim. You could no longer leave me just a little bit to touch up, you were too weak- your arms too sore, too heavy. There was an apology in your asking, you told me you were sorry you couldn't cut more. I told you it was okay, but your eyes reflected a knowing of the truth. I winced as I raise my arm high to your head- my shoulder filled with pain. We were a sorry pair in that moment. You with your many pains throughout your body and me with my arm once more torn up inside.
I trimmed your hair through the pain, and… you wiggled your ear. I tugged your ear. We smiled warily. You wiggled your other ear. I shrugged my shoulder and gave a little gasp and shook my head. "Oops, wrong shoulder," I said, and grinned a tiny grin. You didn't smile back, instead you sighed. You told me a few moments later as I lay the electric razor down on the counter that you were going to see if home health might be able to send someone help to help with your hair in the future. I wanted to protest, it was right there on the tip of my tongue to tell you - "No, don't do that. I can do it." But I didn't, you hated to see me in pain, as much as I hated to see you suffering. I knew if I protested it would just wear you out more, so I relented and simply nodded. Inside I lamented that we'd stop sharing our ear wiggling ritual, and I know you felt the same. A great sadness was heavy in the air around us as I left you to finish your grooming.
Silently I mourned the passing of a ritual, but what I couldn't know at that time was four days later your leaving me would take that ritual away forever, and ever. I wouldn't even have the possibility of my arm healing and us returning to our hair cutting just as we'd done over the many years, it was gone forever.
Today I cleaned up the very last of the tiny hairs you left from that hair cutting, those hairs that had a way of eluding the initial clean up around the sink, and I cried. I cried as I wiped them away knowing I'd never find them again. I cried, and in my mind's eye I could see you wiggling your ears first one, then the other, and you smiled - as I cried and shrugged my shoulders, first one, then the other.
From the first haircut to the last, there was love.
*
John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.
Be of good cheer. There is hope of eternity! Hope of you and I in eternity with our Savior. Tribulation I have in abundance, good cheer is my hope. Come good cheer, rear up your much needed presence, my hope isn't in the here and now. My hope is heavenward. As this world's tribulations touch each and every life, I know I'm not alone in my grief, this world is filled with grief, we are in constant mourning. We cling to the hope of Christ always! He is our hope in this messed up world. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, now and forever! Amen!!!!!!! All in our Savior's love!
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