'T', 'SA', 'SC'.

 'T', 'SA', 'SC'.  No, it's not a secret code, or perhaps it is, because no one knows what those letters stand for except me and…You, now… only me. Only me.

Only…me…Those words, those awful words twist my insides brutally causing every nerve to fire as the sickening realization of your being forever gone once more knocks the very air from my lungs and I gasp out a single agonizing breath. I try to keep the tears from coming, I try, I really try, but they refuse to listen to my silent urging. I need to breathe, but the tears are not silent ones any longer and I gasp for air, making noises only the similarly wounded can comprehend. 

This particular storm of grief begins to abate, just as a torrential downpour all of five minutes long, wreaking great havoc in such an incredibly short amount of time.

'T', 'SA', 'SC', they fill my kitchen calendar each month, only this past year I had more months without them than with. In April there were only a few days with those letters, but May, oh, May was filled! Every day had one of those letters in it. And June, yes, I filled the entire month of June with 'T', 'SA' and 'SC's'. And now…   only two days remain, only two more days with those letters and I'll never fill another month with them again, never. 

Those letters were for you, reminders for me… but, for you. And even though I haven't needed to be reminded since June 5th, the last day of you, those letters remained and I've watched them as each day of this month has passed. Now as we near July, I know when I flip over that page to the new month my heart is going to tear open. There will be new wounds that will need to be sewn closed by my Lord, my Savior, the greatest of all Physicians. He is with me, ready each time the tempest of my storm rears up the waves that threaten to overwhelm me. His love heals, His hope fills me, His peace I cannot understand, but I know it is real because it comforts me.

'T', 'SA', 'SC'. Are you curious as to what they mean? You may laugh, but as I said, I needed the reminders. 'T' - Egg On Toast. 'SA' - Egg Sandwich w/ Tomato/Cheese/Jalapeño. 'SC' - Scrambled Egg with Tomato/Cheese/Jalapeno and Onion. Yes, those were the breakfasts Jerry would eat, the breakfasts I would make for him. June 5th, the last breakfast Jerry had just happened to be his favorite of the three choices- 'T' - Egg On Toast.  Knowing his favorite was his last brings a little smile through the mist of tears. I am thankful for that memory.  And unlike somedays when the yolk would break prematurely, that day it was perfect, just the way he liked it. Such a small blessing, but huge, filled with the balm of peace. 

Only a few days of 'T', 'SA', 'SC' are left to me on that calendar in my kitchen. I will miss them, no…. I will miss you.

Joh_14:27  Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.