The Song of Jerry.

 The silence. You weren't loud, so why is the silence so deafening now? Just your presence was noise, how couldn't I have known that? I should have known. For eleven months you were in and out of hospitals and rehabs, I spent many hours without you here at home with me- but the noise of you was still here with me. Noise is so much more than sound did you know that? Your entire living being was its own sound. The sound of you. The knowledge of you alive even when  you were miles away, was its own music in my life. The background melody of my own song. The melody didn't fade away slowly, it was cut off abruptly. Yes, you were in poor health, but for so long we lived with that as the tune you played. The skips in the vinyl we constantly reset, even when there were more scratches than smooth playing. It was your song being played and I thought we were on the same recording, I never realized we were on two separate players, and when yours stopped, mine would keep going. The song of you has ended and my song keeps reaching out for yours…only to be met by silence. 

The first of many days throughout a year that we held as being special, was today- my birthday. I can still picture your face, and hear your voice as we were talking around the dinner table- you, me, the kids and you asked, "So, what do you want for your birthday?"  I didn't know, I couldn't have known then you'd be gone on my birthday. I told you I didn't want anything, but we both knew my wheels were just turning as I tried to figure out what I'd eventually tell you I wanted. I never got to tell you the things I was mulling over…  Was it better that way? You not knowing, not ordering something, not having that last gift from you after you were gone? I don't know. What I do know is I have many years of birthday cards, many years of birthday memories to hold on to, I have our birthday songs.

The silence of you on this day, when birthday traditions came and went without being met, was broken by the love of my children, my family, my friends with all their birthday greetings for me, their phone calls, their messages, their love.  I am blessed.

In my new found solo recording, I can hear the still small voice of God. 

1Ki_19:12  … and after the fire a still small voice.

Thank you, Lord for keeping me from singing alone. You aren't the song of Jerry, but You created Jerry's song for my life, You created my song, and Your still small voice united our songs together. Your still small voice separated our songs. Your still small voice is a voice of love, of promise for a day when all our songs will be reunited once more in eternity with You. 

All glory, praise, and honor to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Now and forever. Amen!!!!!!!