The Ladder Between Earth and Heaven.

 Tonight I'm going to post an excerpt from a book called- 'Steps to Christ.' I know a lot of my friends and family already have amazing relationships with Christ and I praise, and thank God for that blessing. Forty years ago I read this book and I've gone over it a few times in my posts/blog whatever you want to call these things I write, but I want to continue going over it. I posted Chapter 1 back on June 20, and I just got sidetracked from continuing. 

I hope you get a chance to read this, it's not something that can force you to take a single step towards Christ if that isn't your inclination, if you just don't believe in Christ at all. Yes, it's called Steps to Christ- but the journey is one of the heart- and not a single word written in this book can cause you to make that journey. I don't know what your reason might be for wanting to read it- I would love if it were to gain even a tiny bit of possible new insight that God might desire for you to have- if there is insight possible. I would think it amazing if you wanted to take a chance on reading it simply to find out if you like it- or not. 

Long and short of it, I can't make a single person read this and I don't want to make anyone read a single thing. I can hope you'll read it and take from it what you will, but that's all I can do. They are just words on a computer/tablet/phone screen but they speak of the Word that was made flesh. Almost sounds like a beginning of a fantasy tale-- Sit down, let me tell you a story. Long ago, in a place further away and yet closer than you can imagine lived the Word. Yes, a living Word. How is that possible? How can the Word live? Well, that's not the part of the story I want to tell just yet, I want to jump ahead to the moment the Word became flesh!

Ah, yes, the beginning of an exciting reality for all that people might want to believe it mere fantasy.

Read on- and may God bless you deeply with the pure enlightenment that only He can give. May the Holy Spirit bring comfort to you by opening up truth to your heart.  All through the of my Lord and Savior, may God the Father's will be done, now and forever- amen!

Book Excerpt:  Steps to Christ--

'Chap. 2 - The Sinner's Need of Christ

 Man was originally endowed with noble powers and a well-balanced mind. He was perfect in his being, and in harmony with God. His thoughts were pure, his aims holy. But through disobedience, his powers were perverted, and selfishness took the place of love. His nature became so weakened through transgression that it was impossible for him, in his own strength, to resist the power of evil. He was made captive by Satan, and would have remained so forever had not God specially interposed. It was the tempter's purpose to thwart the divine plan in man's creation, and fill the earth with woe and desolation. And he would point to all this evil as the result of God's work in creating man.

In his sinless state, man held joyful communion with Him "in whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Colossians 2:3. But after his sin, he could no longer find joy in holiness, and he sought to hide from the presence of God. Such is still the condition of the unrenewed heart. It is not in harmony with God, and finds no joy in communion with Him.

 The sinner could not be happy in God's presence; he would shrink from the companionship of holy beings. Could he be permitted to enter heaven, it would have no joy for him.

 The spirit of unselfish love that reigns there --every heart responding to the heart of Infinite Love --would touch no answering chord in his soul. His thoughts, his interests, his motives, would be alien to  those that actuate the sinless dwellers there. He would be a discordant note in the melody of heaven. Heaven would be to him a place of torture; he would long to be hidden from Him who is its light, and the center of its joy. It is no arbitrary decree on the part of God that excludes the wicked from heaven; they are shut out by their own unfitness for its companionship. The glory of God would be to them a consuming fire. They would welcome destruction, that they might be hidden from the face of Him who died to redeem them. 

 It is impossible for us, of ourselves, to escape from the pit of sin in which we are sunken.

 Our hearts are evil, and we cannot change them. "Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean? not one." "The carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be." Job 14:4; Romans 8:7. 

Education, culture, the exercise of the will, human effort, all have their proper sphere, but here they are powerless. They may produce an outward correctness of behavior, but they cannot change the heart; they cannot purify the springs of life. There must be a power working from within, a new life from above, before men can be changed from sin to holiness. That power is Christ. His grace alone can quicken the lifeless faculties of the soul, and attract it to God, to holiness.

 The Saviour said, "Except a man be born from above," unless he shall receive a new heart, new desires, purposes, and motives, leading to a new life, "he cannot see the kingdom of God." John 3:3, margin. The idea that it is necessary only to develop the good that exists in man by nature, is a fatal deception. "The natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned." "Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again." 1 Corinthians 2:14; John 3:7. Of Christ it is written, "In Him was life; and the life was the light of men"--the only "name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved." John 1:4; Acts 4:12. It is not enough to perceive the loving-kindness of God, to see the benevolence, the fatherly tenderness, of His character. It is not enough to discern the wisdom and justice of His law, to see that it is founded upon the eternal principle of love. Paul the apostle saw all this when he exclaimed, "I consent unto the law that it is good." "The law is holy, and the commandment holy, and just, and good." But he added, in the bitterness of his soul-anguish and despair, "I am carnal, sold under sin." Romans 7:16, 12, 14. He longed for the purity, the righteousness, to which in himself he was powerless to attain, and cried out, "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from this body of death?" Romans 7:24, margin. Such is the cry that has gone up from burdened hearts in all lands and in all ages. To all, there is but one answer, "Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world." John 1:29. 

 Many are the figures by which the Spirit of God has sought to illustrate this truth, and make it plain to souls that long to be freed from the burden of guilt. When, after his sin in deceiving Esau, Jacob fled from his father's home, he was weighed down with a sense of guilt. Lonely and outcast as he was, separated from all that had made life dear, the one thought that above all others pressed upon his soul, was the fear that his sin had cut him off from God, that he was forsaken of Heaven. In sadness he lay down to rest on the bare earth, around him only the lonely hills, and above, the heavens bright with stars. As he slept, a strange light broke upon his vision; and lo, from the plain on which he lay, vast shadowy stairs seemed to lead upward to the very gates of heaven, and upon them angels of God were passing up and down; while from the glory above, the divine voice was heard in a message of comfort and hope. Thus was made known to Jacob that which met the need and longing of his soul--a Saviour. With joy and gratitude he saw revealed a way by which he, a sinner, could be restored to communion with God. The mystic ladder of his dream represented Jesus, the only medium of communication between God and man. 

 This is the same figure to which Christ referred in His conversation with Nathanael, when He said, "Ye shall see heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of man." John 1:51. In the apostasy, man alienated himself from God; earth was cut off from heaven. Across the gulf that lay between, there could be no communion. But through Christ, earth is again linked with heaven. With His own merits, Christ has bridged the gulf which sin had made, so that the ministering angels can hold communion with man. Christ connects fallen man in his weakness and helplessness with the Source of infinite power.

But in vain are men's dreams of progress, in vain all efforts for the uplifting of humanity, if they neglect the one Source of hope and help for the fallen race. "Every good gift and every perfect gift" (James 1:17) is from God. There is no true excellence of character apart from Him. And the only way to God is Christ. He says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by Me." John 14:6. 

 The heart of God yearns over His earthly children with a love stronger than death. In giving up His Son, He has poured out to us all heaven in one gift. The Saviour's life and death and intercession, the ministry of angels, the pleading of the Spirit, the Father working above and through all, the unceasing interest of heavenly beings,--all are enlisted in behalf of man's redemption.  

Oh, let us contemplate the amazing sacrifice that has been made for us! Let us try to appreciate the labor and energy that Heaven is expending to reclaim the lost, and bring them back to the Father's house. Motives stronger, and agencies more powerful, could never be brought into operation; the exceeding rewards for right-doing, the enjoyment of heaven, the society of the angels, the communion and love of God and His Son, the elevation and extension of all our powers throughout eternal ages--are these not mighty incentives and encouragements to urge us to give the heart's loving service to our Creator and Redeemer? 

And, on the other hand, the judgments of God pronounced against sin, the inevitable retribution, the degradation of our character, and the final destruction, are presented in God's word to warn us against the service of Satan. 

Shall we not regard the mercy of God? What more could He do? Let us place ourselves in right relation to Him who has loved us with amazing love. Let us avail ourselves of the means provided for us that we may be transformed into His likeness, and be restored to fellowship with the ministering angels, to harmony and communion with the Father and the Son.'

Pierce the Darkness of My Cocoon.

 Faith- in the face of trial and tribulation, in spite of a cloud of depression hovering over life trying to slink its way downwards to blanket me in a cocoon of darkness. Faith assails the creeping night creature with its brightness of hope. The light scorches the dark forcing it to give way just enough for a single golden beam to cut through, basking my heart with its life infusing balm. The light reminds me that hope comes from without, not within. 

Desperation seeks for normalcy from within only to find emptiness where there was once fulness and sadness where there had been joy. The hope comes from outside seeking entrance, I don't need to find hope within to fill the strangeness, I must let the hope come to me. I've become a stranger to myself, a stranger seeking familiarity where nothing is the same. 

My sister told me when she lost her beloved husband fifteen years ago- that she didn't know who she was anymore- how frightening it is to know who you are one day and the next you've lost such an integral part of you- you become unrecognizable.

I'm not me anymore. 

Faith tells me my Savior is the same even if I've been set on a course of unexpected and unwanted metamorphosis. Thrust into my cocoon of darkness I know beautiful things will take place inside, unseen, as my Lord works in me, so that I may be like Him, and I shall see Him as He is when He returns! Darkness may surround me in many ways but the darkness cannot defeat the light within my heart. The cocoon piercing shaft of light from my Savior's love- put there by Him daily- my hope coming into me from without- I don't have to strive to manufacture my own hope, I need faith to receive and He gives me all the faith I need.  

All praise, glory and honor unto my Savior Jesus Christ, now and forever! Amen!!!!!!!

1Jn_3:2  Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.

Joh 1:12  But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: 

Joh 1:13  Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. 

Joh 1:14  And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth. 

A Moment of Inspirational Realization.

 The beauty in a moment of realization is a very precious thing to be treasured. We don't pause often enough to savor a moment of peace, of gratitude, of love.  They say to treasure what you have, that you don't know how long you'll have it. They say not to take things for granted, you don't know when they'll be gone. They- whoever they are- the wise ol' people who live just to say wise tidbits I suppose- have a lot to say about life. I see memes galore recently from many 'pages I might like' giving me sage advice about life. We all know once we post something pertinent to pages their little hidden bot thingees are there to grab up the knowledge and get you into their ginormous databases just to be able to slap you in the face with their pages they want you to like- over and over again until you post something that yet another bot spy finds more relevant and they replace the old slaps with new fresh ones that are eager to draw you in, just for a click on their page- of course they always want more than a single click. 

Ah, I digress terribly. Those truly wise sayings about life being very precious aren't bad things at all. We need to be reminded of it and often because the world we live in wants us to focus more on WORK, more on PLAY, more on SELF AWARENESS. Now, you might be saying that self-awareness is a good thing to focus on but you know what? It's not, not really- not to the point the only thing you are really focused on is self. The simple- how are you today gets us believing we should be fine, just fine- so anything less than fine, just fine, makes us believe our lives aren't quite up to the snuff they are supposed to be. I could talk in circles about all this, I could go on and on endlessly, but the bottom line is - while we're waiting for our lives to be better they are simply marching on. 

Many people live lives of pure mental, emotional and physical agony- it's true. Right now I can almost guarantee there are several people in my circle of life that have lives filled with hardships of all different sorts.  That's what life is though- degrees of hardships, maybe not always our own but hardships of those we love which in a way make them our own. A life of torture- because that is what they can be sometimes, makes for a great reason to bemoan life in general. I've done a lot of that recently, but less than you might imagine from reading my posts. Truly, I'm not dwelling in a pit of misery, I'm blessed beyond measure, and I need to start writing more of the blessings and less of the grief. Though, there are blessings in the grief too.

What I started out to say way back up at the top of this post is the beauty in a moment of realization- just a moment of new comprehension- can be precious and amazing, a gift in our lives.

When I study God's word these moments of realization occur and my whole life simply pauses in that moment as the illumination gained is etched into my heart- however briefly. If you think heart etchings can't be brief, think again. Our memories of these moments are far too often whisked away as our day to day life carries on.  You remember the etch-a-sketches, you scribble all over that thing sometimes in amazing hour long fancy designs that you show off proudly and then shake, shake, shake… gone. Sure, today you could snap several photos of your art work but in days long gone now- you rarely ever bothered to snap a photo you'd have to waste precious film on for an etch-a-sketch picture. Just pretend for a moment you don't have an instant picture gadget or two to take instant pictures you can treasure forever and maybe pretend that hard worked etch-a-sketch art is accidentally erased by a simple drop of the etch-a-sketch. Gone. There for a moment, then gone. You may have worked hard on it, but it goes away. Yes, we can also use the more common - sand castle being swallowed by the tide example. You know what I'm saying, well, that's how even our most precious moments can disappear from memory, especially when those moments are abstract thoughts you are contemplating just for a short while.

I had one of those moments of realization I want to treasure a bit longer by sharing it with you. I was doing a bit of studying and a familiar Bible verse came up- the one about Jesus preparing mansions in heaven for us. I'd just read another verse about 'our earthly house' and 'desiring to be clothed upon with OUR HOUSE which is from heaven.'  

Clothed upon with our house which if from heaven (Yes, I'm repeating myself).  You know that other verse about our being the temple of God and the Spirit of God dwells in us and we aren't to defile the 'temple which we are'.

All these mentions of mansions, houses, tabernacles, temples…  

In God's heavenly house there are many mansions- ONLY us as MANSIONS will inhabit God's heavenly home. Jesus truly is preparing a place for us to be with Him, to be with God the Father. When we are taken to heaven by Jesus after His return we are being taken there 'clothed upon with our house which is FROM heaven'  Our earthly houses can 'dissolve' our earthly bodies will perish but one day we will be clothed with life everlasting- 'a building of God a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.'  We will be 'clothed upon'. Right now we really do GROAN in ourselves, our lives, our flesh, our being, this body we are given, we groan and groan and groan, longing not simply to be freed from our burdens but to be given a gift so much more important - eternal life. We need to be clothed- by our SAVIOR. He is preparing a place for us- He is doing what is needing to be done. He will cloth us with life, we will be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven!

Read these verses- 

2Co 5:1  For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 

2Co 5:2  For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven: 

2Co 5:3  If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked. 

2Co 5:4  For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life.

Maybe my moment of realization isn't one that anyone else finds enlightening in any way and that's okay, some of our moments of realization are ours to cherish in the special way our Lord would allow through the Holy Spirit in our lives. My moment of realization may seem ludicrous and confusing to you and that's okay, thank you for letting me share it anyway. I hope and pray each and every one who reads this is blessed in a very special way soon with your own moments of realization through the Holy Spirit touching your lives. All in the name of my Savior, my Lord, Jesus Christ, now and forever! Amen!!!!!!!

Joh 14:1  Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. 

Joh 14:2  In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 

Joh 14:3  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I WILL COME AGAIN, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. 

Joh 14:4  And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know. 

Joh 14:23  Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.

1Co 3:16  Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? 

1Co 3:17  If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are. 

2Co 4:14  Knowing that he which raised up the Lord Jesus shall raise up us also by Jesus, and shall present us with you. 

2Co 4:15  For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. 

2Co 4:16  For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. 

2Co 4:17  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; 

2Co 4:18  While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. 

Garage Musings and Mournings.

 The Garage. The original 'Man Cave'? Of course it was the original 'Man Cave'. It was the place of cars and cars were the domain of men for a long time. Garages, barns, sheds, they were mostly all for outdoor/semi-outdoor activities that men were more involved in than women. I'm not trying to stir up any masculine/feminine issues here so please, if you find your mind drifting that way- reign it in a tiny bit and try to understand - I'm of the older sort, the 'back in my day' sort when it was common not just for my dad- but for all the dads in the neighborhood (city, state, who knows) to be the ones generally responsible for the following- lawn maintenance, garbage toting, garbage can cleaning, car care and all that entails, toolboxes for the household and its surroundings repairs, any outside foliage that might need trimming, pruning (is there much of a difference between those two?) watering, fertilizing, snow shoveling (in appropriate climates though that should probably go without saying), gardening tools(though women were known to be gardeners too even in my mom's day, and her mom's.) 

Why all the garage - 'Man Cave' talk? Because for years our garage wasn't really a man cave it was just there for storage and the like. While it did hold the lawn mower (Jerry and Matthew took care of the lawn for many years without my help) it wasn't a place Jerry would hang out in just to hang out. He didn't tinker with garage things as a rule. Then he started scroll sawing, and if you are familiar with us at all you know about his scroll sawing. Once that started the garage became a 'Man Cave' of sorts. How is that relevant to anything? I'm not sure. I'm babbling again and so I continue.

When Jerry was here I longed to get my hands on cleaning that garage. You see, it became a part of my life too when he taught me how to scroll saw- it became Our Cave. I still remember the first time he asked if I wanted to try scroll sawing. Of course I said no, it was his thing, his happiness- not mine. Then he used a little bit of coercion. "Come on, just try it, you might really like it."  And Mr. 95-98% Right-All-the-Time, was right once again. I sat down at this contraption and he set about explaining the blade thing-a-ma-jig, and the clamp-whatsit, where this goes, what that does and before too long (ten seconds into the explanation) I was lost and he had to start all over again. Step by step he indulged my complete ignorance of the machine. Finally I had the wood in place the blade through the hole (the drill machine he also introduced me to made that hole) and this, that, and the other thing were all tightened and ready to go. I flipped the switch on and woah, flopping wood. Okay, now what?! He told me, just hold the wood down like so, and just move it along the line (the one he'd put there for me to follow). Easier said than done because this wasn't a straight forward type of deal. You have to have a FEEL for the blade and the wood and the temperature of the… okay, not the temperature of anything, but it isn't an exact science and any scroll sawing person who says it is, well, they're just plain lucky. 

Long story short, after a bit (maybe a minute or two) I turned the machine off and grinned at him and I said, "It's like a sewing machine but it cuts wood!" Uhm, yup, that's what I said, and I stand by it. It's really nothing like sewing in all actuality but the motion of the blade cutting, that is reminiscent of a sewing machine needle. I wasn't quite instantly hooked, but I was intrigued and soon I was making little things, and then big things and from then on it was…. "Okay… I'll scroll saw in the mornings, and Jerry, you scroll saw in the afternoons!"  And months later he was on the lookout for a cheap scroll saw machine on craigslist (they are rarely cheap) so I could have one of my own.  

Fortunately, or unfortunately, he found one in 2020 after one of his way too many back surgeries (this surgery having followed not long after a gall bladder surgery).  He was about  a week and a half out from being home from the back surgery and there popped up a deal of a lifetime. A Dewalt Scroll Saw almost just like his -only the metal table top was completely rusty. The ad said it still worked, so crazily he decided to get in the car and off we went to look at it.  We got there, he very slowly and carefully got out of the van and walked with his walker to where the machine was. Then he turned the walker around to sit down on it (yes, it was one of those fancy dancy rollators).  The man brought the scroll saw out and found an extension cord, plugged it in and showed us that it still worked. Jerry was so thrilled, but he played it cool. He put his 'time to haggle' hat on and set about talking the guy down a few bucks. I can't remember the exact price he paid for it, but he got a steal. In time that rust would come right off that table top he told me, and after greasing things up good (something he'd done as a part of regular maintenance for his own scroll saw) it would be good to go and then… then we'd have to find a place for me to scroll saw in the garage alongside him.

That dream…that hope…it never had a chance to be realized, it died too, with Him.

The scroll saw table top he was able to work on a bit with some kind of jelly stuff to remove rust- but it wasn't that easy for him. His back from the surgery didn't heal like we'd expected. Things just didn't work out. He ended up back in the hospital May 2021 for another surgery to fix what we thought the last surgery didn't fix, only to have him broken worse than ever, and from then on… he never scroll saw again.  

I still remember the last time he mentioned the second scroll saw. He was home for good from the rehab, it was in early May this year, he said that he found a guy to call about getting the rust off the table top. I sheepishly told him while he'd been in the rebab and hospital that past year I'd worked on getting the rust off with that jelly stuff and such, I wanted it to be a surprise. He shook his head and chuckled a little, and told me the next time he was out in the garage he'd have to take a look at it…

…there was no next time. 

Now, I look at the garage I'd longed so much to clean up really good while he was alive, but couldn't because he liked things just so and understandably he wanted to be a part of any rearranging.

I look at it,  and I look at it…

And I look at it and I sit there in the chair behind his scroll saw, and all the while my heart feels the very heavy weight of all that was, all that is, and all that will never be. 

On a positive note, I did manage to make a few cuts on the scroll saw- the Service Dog Project, Dog Fest piece I'd worked on a little bit before he'd gone. On a very negative note… my heart just isn't in it any more, not yet, maybe someday, maybe never, time will tell.

This little story is the a perfect example of my life right now- upbeat, a touch of humor, doing okay, and then bit by bit the upbeat becomes a downbeat and the humor fades to sadness, doing okay becomes surviving. I'd have loved for this long-winded note to have been all peppy and positive, and I'm sure someday (even possibly soon) there will be pep and positivity, not yet…not just three months, three whole long/short months since I was separated from the other half of myself. My new invisible, emotional limbs are regrowing and it takes time, a lot of time.

I know Jerry is sleeping his deep, peaceful long sleep until our Savior returns, the Word of God tells me that he does not know anything right now (Eccl. 9:5) Jerry isn't feeling any pain, and he'd felt so much pain. This is better, right? 

But it isn't better. The war of what's better for you not being better for me rages on. In the end, I never wanted you to suffer, we never want any of our loved ones to suffer- and oh, how they suffer sometimes. Sleep the sweetest sleep in peace now, my love.

I long for this day…

Rev 21:3  And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. 

Rev 21:4  And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. 

Rev 21:5  And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful. 

Pesky Tears.

 

A Newer Tidbit of Grief?

(A note to a note- I wrote this a few days ago and I've been mulling over whether or not I should post it. I even had one of my sisters read it first because I don't want anyone to think I'm in a bad way- I'm really not. A lot of these feelings/thoughts are those of the sort that come go quickly. I'm not dwelling in a pool of misery by any means. Even today I went outside for something or other and saw my neighbor and started chatting with her a bit (it's a very big deal me initiating a chat with an offline person **g**)- and we laughed over something, and then when we talked of Jerry a bit I was on the verge of tears, but they remained at bay. I am not despondent, and I don't want anyone who reads this to be overly concerned about me. Just normal concerned is fine. **g**)

I'm scared. No, I'm anxious. Even that isn't really the right word. I'm trying to find an elusive word to describe this really strange fear, no…it's not fear, maybe it's more like trepidation. The borderline of fear, you know that place where fear hasn't quite turned into fear -yet is so close you can all but touch it. I think that's more like it but even then maybe it's just one of those strange thoughts that blossom. A strange thought that pops into your head and then another builds upon it then you shove them all aside as you go about your day to day existence and then, out of nowhere that thought peeks into your life once more and again, you build upon the single thought until you dwell on it for a bit longer than you did the first time. 

Come on, you have to know what I'm talking about, it has to have happened to all of us. You push the thoughts away or somehow, another thought just overrides them and those odd thoughts just disappear into the darker recesses of your brain to rest, to wait, to bide their time. Then it could be a day or so later and there it is, that thought of borderline trepidation, not so horrible that it keeps you up at night or pacing any halls, or climbing any walls, but it's just there- it's invaded your life and you have to wonder, or at least I have to wonder, is it another part of my grief? 

Maybe I haven't heard about this part before. I've heard so much about the stages of grief and how topsy turvy they can be. Some following the textbook stages one after the other, another person taking them backwards, and still others mix and mingle them to suit their own way of handling things. There is no one way to grieve and that's something guaranteed in life that you can hold fast to as an absolute. I think in knowing there is no one way to grieve we are given a touch of peace in our whirlwind existence. It's nice to grab onto the peace when you can recognize it and let it ease your inside out life just a bit.

Again, I have to wonder if this new feeling that seems to want to defy exact definition is another part of losing someone you love so incredibly much, I have to voice what the thought is, or thoughts are, so maybe you can tell me of your experience — those of you who have been pushed down this abyss that isn't a straight journey downward, but one that contains many, many ledges. Land on a ledge and things seem okay for a bit, then that ledge get pulled out from under you- sometimes slowly, other times so quick you're falling and flailing about until the next soft landing of being okay-- for a while. If you know this abyss I'm talking about and you want to let me know if my **thought** (there it goes, it's legit now that it has asterisks around it) has any place in your grieving experiences.

The **thought** -  All my loved ones are going to lose their loved ones SOON.  Yes, it's the SOON part that makes this **thought** just troublesome enough it's somewhat bothersome. Obviously it's bothersome or I wouldn't be saying anything at all. It's not just an abstract ALL of my loved ones are going to lose their loved ones someday. The **thoughts** are more well defined (Stop reading if you don’t like where this is going loved ones of mine.) 

The **Thoughts** contain my loved ones names and not all the names are the same all the time, one or two here and there at different times. Debbie is going to lose Kurt--soon. Remember it's the SOON part that is bothering me the most. Diane is going to lose Lee--soon. Beth is going to lose Danny--soon. Judy is going to lose Tom-- soon. Hank is going to lose Rebel --soon…… and it goes on. If I haven't put you and your spouse in this list it's not because I haven't had the thought of it, and I'm so sorry if this freaks you out in anyway at all, I apologize deeply! That they're all going to die soon… it's just a thought that is creating an even deeper sadness, fear not fear- you know that sense of foreboding. Maybe, just maybe it has to do with our ages, most of us aren't young any more, we are mostly the next generation in our families to be getting up there.

I don't like this thinking not a single bit! I didn't have these moments, with these morbid (yes, I have to use that term even though I don't want to) thoughts  — before Jerry died.  There was the occasional thought, but it was brushed away and stayed away, now… it doesn't want to remain swept under the rug.

Is this a part of having come face to face with my own loss? I fear for the others that will have to face it? My heart is starting to creak where cracks of new grief are waiting to appear. Hopefully this too will pass as my life returns to being okay and I stay on the ledge of normalcy longer and longer. 

It could also have something to do with my Uncle John Paul passing away, and a beloved fur baby of my nephew, Zander passing of old age. Maybe it's just stirring up the unwelcomed pot of life's inevitabilities that surround all of us

Prayer helps. I give my strange trepidations to God, He knows, and whatever may happen in my life, I know ultimately He will prevail through it all, and by the grace of my Lord and Savior alone will I prevail through Him. We can ALL prevail through Him. 

Yes, I'm still hoping others will tell me this is normal, or can be a part of the normal grieving process. If not, well, let's just say it is. **g**

Memory Remembering.

 Sweet memory, such a blessed ability we possess. When I was a child I can recall my parents asking me to do some chore or another, one that didn't necessarily have to be completed right away. They asked expecting their request to be done- maybe that afternoon, but most assuredly by that evening. When bedtime was nearing- finding us as a family in front of the television set watching a tv show together- mom, dad, my three sisters and my brother, all of there in the living room, some of us in chairs, or on the couch, others chose to take up space on the floor as close to the television as we could get. Such a sweet memory there in picturing all of us. There we were and it was during a commercial that the question would be asked. "Did you remember to <insert chore/request here>?"  Now in that moment there would be either a casual, "Yes." Or, a tiny fear pit in the stomach. "No, I forgot." 

Do you remember anything similar to that sort of occurrence? Maybe you didn't have the exact same setting it took place in (I'm sort of showing my age by the whole family around a tv/and commercials memory).  You do have to remember a parent asking you to do something and you either remembering or forgetting to have done it.  

Forgetting to remember, it's never a nice thing because when you forget to remember something it is usually something you desire to remember. Forgetting to remember something you don't care to remember is usually met with relief, but not so those things we want to remember.  As a child I wanted to remember to do whatever it was I'd been told to do, even if it were something I didn't want to do. I didn't intentionally forget because I knew I'd be called to task if I forgot and rightly so, after consenting to get the thing done.  

So what caused the memory lapse? Any number of things could have been responsible- simply out of sight out of mind, not doing it right away and having other things just overwrite any thought of  the task allocated for the future.  We don't often know even as adults WHY we don't remember things we want to remember. Children as a rule, and on up until at least middle-aged adults, aren't usually even jokingly expect to have any trouble remembering things. Older adults, well we get teased about the future of our memories and aging. Still older adults into those so called golden years, we aren't expected to have a very long memory at all. There's a joke often posted about stepping into the next room for something and forgetting why you're there- that short of a time frame. 

Well, I can remember my dad saying to me quite often -- enough that it stuck with me my entire life - "You'd forget your head if it weren't attached." Or the other- "If you had a brain you'd be dangerous."  You see, my memory has been a subject of lament for a long time.  I remember with Jerry, we'd been together oh, about two years or so and by that time the newness of togetherness had gradually set aside the endearing annoyances allowing them to turn into irritations. You know what I mean- that new shine on the relationship often dulls a bit and you come face to face with choosing to love, rather than clinging to a lost infatuated new car smell… uhm… new relationship smell? Nah, not smell, but you know what I mean, I know you do. Newness gives way to familiarity in relationships and sometimes what was once considered cute and a little funny, might turn into being not so cute or funny any longer. 

My memory was one of those things. Being the forgetful sort (all my life) I'd often have to apologize when I forgot to do things, truly never intentionally forgetting. When I'd finally forgotten one too many a thing over the course of time, Jerry grew a little upset with me and told me, "If you loved me you wouldn't forget."  Of course I was heartbroken! What did my loving him have to do with remembering things?! I was forgetful! No one else had ever equated my forgetfulness with my loving them! You see, the thing is, Jerry had a SUPER memory. Jerry DID NOT forgot. I'm not kidding. I'm very serious. I really am down right telling the truth. For most of our relationship Jerry's memory was a thing of amazement to me - Mrs. Forgetfulness.  

So you can understand when he came face to face with someone who didn't have a super memory, but rather a very faulty one, it boggled his mind. He couldn't fully comprehend my ability to forget, and took it as a personal affront.  

I told him that my forgetting to do things had NOTHING to do with loving him or not loving him. I explained my history of forgetfulness. And of course he gave me the benefit of the doubt and then told me that I shouldn't say I will do something if I'm not going to do it, no matter what. That I should write myself notes if I didn't think I could remember whatever it might be that needed remembering. 

From that day on, right up until His passing, I never again told him I'd do something-- I always replied-- "I'll do my best to remember."  Did I write notes? Sometimes, but not always. Did I always remember stuff from that point on… NO.  Did I ever intentionally not remember to do something I'd said I'd try to remember to do? NOPE. 

It eased something inside of Jerry to know that I recognized giving him my word on something, saying I do something was important, HE was important to me, His love was important to me, and I didn't disrespect that love by going back on my word simply by forgetting to do as I said I would do. Once I gave Him that knowledge of my loving him meant I would always TRY to remember out of that love, He accepted that. It WAS enough for Him, His heart was reassured that this bizarre faulty memory I had was not a slight towards Him in any way.  It never became a huge issue again in our relationship. It could still be exasperating for Him at times, but He knew when I did forget and I did apologize for forgetting, it was a sincere, heartfelt apology, an apology of love and respect.  

No, ours was not a perfect relationship- those do NOT exist. Ours was a very down to earth relationship- hills and valleys, ebbs and flows, ups and downs, and all that good and bad stuff all of us humans deal with in our lives.

So, why all this talk about memory?  God wants us to remember Him and all too often we forget to include Him in our everyday lives. A Bible verse I read today remind me of memory. Often we exclude Him from the majority of our day reserving maybe one day out of the week for a bit of God recollection. Or perhaps a moment in the morning, a bit of time before bed- we might remember Him in our lives.  God wants us to remember Him in all we do, to be a part of our lives as we live them. God wants us to hold fast to Him because He is the best part of our lives. God gives and God takes away, I know you all know that. God allows and God doesn't allow, and in all of that God knows that He's set before us eternity. As soon as eternity is set before us we are no longer expecting this temporary life to be a thing of ease in any way. Yes, there can be ease in our lives, and we call them blessings, because they aren't promised to us at all- eternity is our promised land, our promised home, our promised hope. We need to have a memory that holds fast to the truths in God.  

Do I have the Bible memorized?  Ha! You're talking to Mrs. Always Been Forgetful -- remember?  I don't have it memorized but that's not going to stop me from praying to never forget my Lord and Savior, to never forget the love of my God, to never forget the gospel hope of eternal life through forgiveness for all my sins, all my shortcomings. I long for the day of my Savior's return, I long for the eternity to come and the memory of life everlasting. With Jesus in eternity I have a belief I'll never forget anything again. All in HIS LOVE, my blessed Savior! 

1Co 15:1  Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; 

1Co 15:2  By which also ye are saved, if ye KEEP IN MEMORY what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 

Pro 3:1  My son, FORGET NOT my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: 

Pro 3:2  For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. 

Pro 3:3  Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: 

Pro 3:4  So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. 

Pro 3:5  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 

Pro 3:6  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. 

Pro 3:7  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. 

Pro 3:8  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. 

Pro 3:9  Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase: 

Pro 3:10  So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine. 

Pro 3:11  My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: 

Pro 3:12  For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. 

Pro 4:13  TAKE FAST HOLD OF instruction; let her not go: keep her; for she is thy life.

Pro 6:20  My son, KEEP thy father's commandment, and FORSAKE NOT the law of thy mother: 

Pro 6:21  BIND THEM CONTINUALLY upon thine heart, and TIE THEM about thy neck. 

Pro 6:22  When thou goest, it shall lead thee; when thou sleepest, it shall keep thee; and when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee. 

Pro 6:23  For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life

Pro 23:23  BUY THE TRUTH AND SELL IT NOT; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding.

Col 1:23  If ye CONTINUE IN THE FAITH grounded and settled, and BE NOT MOVED AWAY from the hope of the gospel, which ye have heard, and which was preached to every creature which is under heaven; whereof I Paul am made a minister

Heb 2:1  Therefore we ought to give the MORE EARNEST HEED to the things which we have heard, LEST AT ANY TIME WE SHOULD LET THEM SLIP

Heb 3:6  But Christ as a son over his own house; whose house are we, IF WE HOLD FAST the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope FIRM UNTO THE END. 

Heb 3:14  For we are made partakers of Christ, IF WE HOLD the beginning of our confidence stedfast UNTO THE END; 

Heb 3:15  While it is said, TODAY if ye will hear his voice, HARDEN NOT YOUR HEARTS, as in the provocation

Heb 4:14  Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, LET US HOLD FAST our profession.

Heb 10:23  LET US HOLD FAST the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) 

Heb 10:24  And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: 

Heb 10:25  Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.