Castle Jerry and A Bible Study.

 Death is rattling around in my brain and it has been for the last 26 days. I have a feeling that death is on a prospective buying tour of my headspace. It's already found among the gray matter- neighbors -where I've buried all those deaths that have affected me profoundly. I say buried but it's more like they've been entombed in fancy vaults above ground. The largest vault is one of the oldest- but not the oldest. Etched across my mind-granite is the single word. DAD. Near 'dad', but in a space further back are the older and less impressive vaults. Grandpa Pope, Grandma Mack, Grandpa Mack, Grandma Pope-- as well as all the aunts and uncles I knew and loved - they inhabit that particular neighborhood. Those deaths impacted my life but not in the same way my dad's death which tilted my world right off its axis. The architects of my Dad's vault have worked long and hard, covering the surface of that cerebral edifice with many decorative memories. Maybe, just maybe the more memories we hold dear for the departed determines the size of their headspace- it makes sense to me. My MOM has a vault right next to my dad's, and the workers on that vault are still making slow work of her final resting place in my brain. It hurts too much to think about her being dead so I've half-blinded those workers, still, they keep on building.

Yes, death has been touring the ol' mind cemetery and is eyeing up a gray matter plot that is large enough for a mansion of magnificent proportions.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Castle Jerry.

That seems appropriate, he loved Germany's castles. Castle Jerry will be built there and unlike all the other vaults in my head (the exception Mom) where the work has mostly ceased except for the occasional repair of a crack in the wall, or leaky roof- I have a feeling this castle vault will be worked on for the rest of my life. Death's rattle is shaking away noisily as construction is set to commence- just as soon as my brain decides once and for all the reality of your having drifted off to the sleep temporary to eternity. My mind is still grappling with your need for the best parcel of land in my head because my heart is crying out- come live down here! The thing is, my heart space holds my God and it's through Him I am able to have any dearly departed vaults in my head at all. You will be allotted that million acre brain space and the love given to me by God will flow into that castle. We've begun a new normal where you have become a collection of memories and emotions that may even outgrow that castle, but for now I know construction has begun, I've just not wanted to watch the walls going up.

*

BIBLE STUDY

Jesus’s humanity delivers us from the bondage of death-

Heb 2:14 Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil; Heb 2:15 And deliver them who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.

And yet, there is a mystery here that needs to be touched upon. Why do we need a deliverer? Why, if upon death people go straight to heaven when they die and it's been this way since the beginning of time - do we need a deliverer? Think about it for a few moments. If you're among the millions who believe you are instantly in heaven upon death, please, take time to read this study, what's a few minutes when eternity is your hope?

Death-- that great mystery. People everywhere have various views on what happens when you die. Some believe in reincarnation, others in the instantaneous transport to your just reward, and still others believe there are stages to go through upon death- purgatory for example. What does the Bible say? The Bible clearly calls death a sleep. Letting the Bible speak for itself this is what it says--

Jesus speaks to us in John 11 — (And please read this in its entirety, this is a Bible study and we're really studying, not just taking on a bit of light reading.)

1 Now a certain man was sick, named Lazarus, of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 (It was that Mary which anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick.) 3 Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick. 4 When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby. 5 Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus. 6 When he had heard therefore that he was sick, he abode two days still in the same place where he was. 7 Then after that saith he to his disciples, Let us go into Judaea again. 8 His disciples say unto him, Master, the Jews of late sought to stone thee; and goest thou thither again? 9 Jesus answered, Are there not twelve hours in the day? If any man walk in the day, he stumbleth not, because he seeth the light of this world. 10 But if a man walk in the night, he stumbleth, because there is no light in him. 11 These things said he: and after that he saith unto them, Our friend Lazarus sleepeth; but I go, that I may awake him out of sleep. 12 Then said his disciples, Lord, if he sleep, he shall do well. 13 Howbeit Jesus spake of his death: but they thought that he had spoken of taking of rest in sleep. 14 Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead. 15 And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, to the intent ye may believe; nevertheless let us go unto him. 16 Then said Thomas, which is called Didymus, unto his fellow disciples, Let us also go, that we may die with him. 17 Then when Jesus came, he found that he had lain in the grave four days already. 18 Now Bethany was nigh unto Jerusalem, about fifteen furlongs off: 19 And many of the Jews came to Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning their brother. 20 Then Martha, as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming, went and met him: but Mary sat still in the house. 21 Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. 22 But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee. 23 Jesus saith unto her, Thy brother shall rise again. 24 Martha saith unto him, I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection at the last day. 25 Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: 26 And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this? 27 She saith unto him, Yea, Lord: I believe that thou art the Christ, the Son of God, which should come into the world. 28 And when she had so said, she went her way, and called Mary her sister secretly, saying, The Master is come, and calleth for thee. 29 As soon as she heard that, she arose quickly, and came unto him. 30 Now Jesus was not yet come into the town, but was in that place where Martha met him. 31 The Jews then which were with her in the house, and comforted her, when they saw Mary, that she rose up hastily and went out, followed her, saying, She goeth unto the grave to weep there. 32 Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. 33 When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled. 34 And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see. 35 Jesus wept. 36 Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him! 37 And some of them said, Could not this man, which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died? 38 Jesus therefore again groaning in himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave, and a stone lay upon it. 39 Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days. 40 Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee, that, if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God? 41 Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I thank thee that thou hast heard me. 42 And I knew that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that thou hast sent me. 43 And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth. 44 And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go. 45 Then many of the Jews which came to Mary, and had seen the things which Jesus did, believed on him. 46 But some of them went their ways to the Pharisees, and told them what things Jesus had done. 47 Then gathered the chief priests and the Pharisees a council, and said, What do we? for this man doeth many miracles. 48 If we let him thus alone, all men will believe on him: and the Romans shall come and take away both our place and nation. 49 And one of them, named Caiaphas, being the high priest that same year, said unto them, Ye know nothing at all, 50 Nor consider that it is expedient for us, that one man should die for the people, and that the whole nation perish not. 51 And this spake he not of himself: but being high priest that year, he prophesied that Jesus should die for that nation; 52 And not for that nation only, but that also he should gather together in one the children of God that were scattered abroad. 53 Then from that day forth they took counsel together for to put him to death .

So much is revealed here in John 11. Jesus knew his beloved Lazarus was sick and yet for two days he didn’t even suggest going to him. When Jesus does suggest going to Lazarus he talks of him sleeping. The disciples think it is good that the sick man is asleep and it is not necessary to go wake him, sleep is good for the sick, right? Jesus then has to plainly state that Lazarus is dead. The sleep Lazarus was in wasn’t a healing sleep, it wasn’t a sleep he would wake from on his own. The sleep of death.

Lazarus was sleeping the sleep of death- for four days buried in a tomb, wrapped up in his burial bindings. Martha even commented that he would be stinking by now from decomposition. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that Lazarus was dead, that he was sleeping the final sleep. Martha even had this to say—‘ Martha saith unto him, I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection at the last day’ Did Jesus rebuke her in shock and tell her that there would be no resurrection at the last day, rather people would immediately rise when they died? No. He did say this— ‘Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this? She saith unto him, Yea, Lord: I believe that thou art the Christ, the Son of God, which should come into the world.’

He told her He was the resurrection and the life. He was this resurrection. He had the power over life and death. Those that believe would never die and yet—people still die all the time don't they? So what could he have meant? Think about it. If Lazarus upon death (Jesus said he was dead and others confirmed this) had gone to heaven in Spirit, if that's what happens to all who die in Christ there was no point at all for what Jesus was doing, none. Is this thought about people never dying a new one? No. In the garden Satan told Eve she would not surely die. Genesis 3:4 Look it up, he said it. Did she die when she ate the fruit? Did Eve fall down in death? Did she burn up in some fantastic special effect that verified God's words-- 'But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.' Genesis 2:17

No, there was no sudden throat clutching, poisoning death. No death, right? At least not immediately, but eventually she did die. God told the truth. Satan lied. Eve brought death into existence because mankind could not sin against God and be allowed to live forever. So while she didn't die instantaneously, she did eventually. Here in John 11 Jesus is plainly saying that He is going to do away with that ultimate of deaths. He never claim he was going to stop death right then and there so that no one else would ever die temporarily. Jesus is saying with authority that the ultimate end where death takes those who are not in Christ will not be the end of those that believe. He is going to prove that he has this ultimate power over death itself. The death that Eve, with Satan's temptation, ushered into the world stealing eternal life from mankind- keeping them from the tree of life, that death would be no more. Read Genesis 3:22-24 Up until that moment mankind had access to the tree of life. Jesus wanted to prove that He had the power over temporary death, for if He had power over this death then surely His claims of having the power over the ultimate defeat of death once and for all had to be true.

Jesus went to the grave site and said this—‘Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I thank thee that thou hast heard me. And I knew that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that thou hast sent me.’

Let’s think for a moment. Jesus called death a sleep. Martha says Lazarus will be raised in the resurrection at the last day. Jesus, the only one who has power over death tells his disciples he is going to wake Lazarus from his sleep, his death. The reality of the day — NO one has the power to raise the dead from their sleep, no one. Who, but the Son of God could do such a thing? Now why did he do it? Surely Jesus loved many who died over the course of his life and yet he picked one person to raise from their death sleep, why? He tells us… ‘Father, I thank thee that thou hast heard me. And I knew that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that thou has sent me.’ He tells us so plainly why. He wanted all those there to witness, all those that had come in great numbers to mourn with Mary and Martha to see His power given to Him through God. Jesus had a great love for Lazarus, for Mary and Martha, his sisters. Jesus wept in His grief over Lazarus’s death.

Please help me understand this… If upon death a person goes directly to heaven, why would Jesus bring Lazarus back from death? Why did Jesus weep? Why didn’t he just tell Martha and Mary that Lazarus was happy in heaven? Seriously? Why didn’t he? He had the perfect opportunity to go into the mysteries of life after death, and in a huge way he did dispel some of the mysteries by his great act. What mysteries did he dispel? What is death? A sleep. There you have it in a little nutshell.

Death is a sleep. There is no immediate life after death, if there were, bringing Lazarus back from heaven would have been very, very cruel, not the wonderful act it really was. Waking someone from a death sleep, a sleep he would have continued on in until the last day, wasn’t cruel. This act, this miracle, revealed that yes, Jesus has power over even death. It was the reason for His taking on humanity as we read about already (see Deliver Us From the Bondage of Death).

To defeat death, to make death’s sleep something that would no longer be permanent if a person believes upon Him, this is why He raised Lazarus from the dead, from his sleep. Because He has this power and reveals it, does it mean that no one would sleep the death sleep any longer? Far from it, what it means is in the last day of the resurrection those who believe in Christ, and that He died for their sins, those who love Him will be raised up from the death sleep, only not raised up as Lazarus to live and die again. In the resurrection of the last day those who love Him will be raised up to life eternal.

Look at this—

1 Thess. 4:16 — For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first

The dead in Christ shall rise first. This means that those dead in Christ are NOT with him already in heaven. The disciples never taught immediately resurrection to be with Christ upon death. Never. Jesus woke Lazarus from a death sleep, he didn’t pull him from heaven. Jesus was showing that yes, if people believe on Him, they will be resurrected. What need is there for a resurrection in the last day if people go straight to heaven upon death? Lazarus was brought back to life, to continue living a life here on earth with all its heartaches and pains, he would have to taste death again because he wasn’t resurrected in the last day, as Martha spoke plainly-‘ Martha saith unto him, I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection at the last day’ .

She believed in the last day resurrection. Jesus to show his power, to show himself as the true Son of God to all around resurrected Lazarus to live again right then and there. That act revealed his power to the important Jews of the day that knew right then and there they had to get rid of someone so powerful.

The thought of loved ones in heaven right now bring comfort to many, it eases their hearts by thinking they’re no longer suffering. The truth of the matter is they ARE no longer suffering. In the sleep of death they feel NO pain, they are not conscious of anything, they sleep. When you go to sleep at night the next thing you know is waking up. You aren’t conscious of sleeping because you are sleeping. Sleeping gives us energy, it renews our tired bodies, sleep is necessary to life. We all love the feeling of having a good sleep when we wake feeling refreshed. Think on it…

You die and are sleeping death’s sleep and the next thing you know is your being woken from your sleep and taken up to be with Jesus. How wonderful! How marvelous! What a wonderful rest it was, such a wonderful sleep. How comforting it is to know the reality of death. Your loved ones are sleeping the deepest and most wonderful of sleeps and they will wake from that sleep and meet Christ in the air. They’re not in heaven right now without those they love around them. They’re not in heaven right now being able to witness all the heartache and pain going on with their loved ones below. They’re not up there mourning our troubles- there are no tears in heaven, no more crying, so how can they be with us even in ghostly spirit form? What comfort is there for them to witness our heartaches and the pains? There couldn’t be any happiness for them having to witness all that. So while it’s common for people to think their loved ones are in heaven right now, that they can hear them, see them, that they know what we think and feel, it’s not true. There is more comfort in knowing they sleep and are no longer going to suffer in any way at all. There are a lot of passages to prove this… I’m going to add some of them here—

Dan.12:13 But go thou thy way till the end be: for thou shalt rest, and stand in thy lot at the end of the days. (Not stand in heaven upon death- but Daniel would rest till the end of days)

Dan. 12:2 And many of them that sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake, some to everlasting life, and some to shame and everlasting contempt. (Sleep in the dust of the earth. We have to have faith our loved ones will wake to everlasting life from their death sleep.)

1 Cor. 15:18-28 Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished. If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept. For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. But every man in his own order: Christ the firstfruits; afterward they that are Christ's at his coming. Then cometh the end, when he shall have delivered up the kingdom to God, even the Father; when he shall have put down all rule and all authority and power. For he must reign, till he hath put all enemies under his feet. The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death. For he hath put all things under his feet. But when he saith all things are put under him, it is manifest that he is excepted, which did put all things under him. And when all things shall be subdued unto him, then shall the Son also himself be subject unto him that put all things under him, that God may be all in all. (How marvelous! We are told right there that people fall asleep in Christ and afterwards they that are Christ’s at his coming will be raised up!)

John 14:1-3 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. (He’s gone to prepare a place! Prepare! Christ Himself is preparing a place for us in heaven and tells us plainly that He will come again and receive us to him. If we were already with him, would he need to prepare a place? Would he need to come again? No.)

Acts 7: 59,60 And they stoned Stephen, calling upon God, and saying, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit. And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep. (Stephen, beloved Stephen, one of God’s own stoned to death and what does it say- ‘he fell asleep.’ There is a special comfort in that sleep, in knowing death is a sleep. That spirit he asked Jesus to receive was his breath of life. He wanted Jesus to receive his life, to accept his love for him, his life wrought in him so in that last day when he wakes he is taken with Jesus to live forever. We even say today that this person or that person has such spirit. What are we talking about? We're talking about what makes that person who they are. So when Stephen's breath of life, his spirit is sent back to God it's for safe keeping unto the final resurrection while he sleeps. It is not Stephen wandering about in ghostly form conscious of everything going on in the world, it can't be, why? Because 'he fell asleep.')

Job 14:12-14 So man lieth down, and riseth not: till the heavens be no more, they shall not awake, nor be raised out of their sleep. O that thou wouldest hide me in the grave, that thou wouldest keep me secret, until thy wrath be past, that thou wouldest appoint me a set time, and remember me! If a man die, shall he live again? all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come. (Again we read, ‘nor be raised out of their sleep.’ ‘hide me in the grave,’ ‘till my change come.’ Think on it, Biblically there can be no mistake—death is a sleep.)

John 5:28 Marvel not at this: for the hour is coming, in the which all that are in the graves shall hear his voice (If dead people are in heaven or wherever people think they are then what value does this scripture have? No one would be in their graves to hear would they? No where does the Bible say that ghostly spirit forms are going to go grab up their bodies when Jesus comes, no where at all. Death is a sleep and when Jesus returns and raises His people to everlasting life he will change them. Those in the grave will hear his voice.)

Acts 2: 29 Men and brethren, let me freely speak unto you of the patriarch David, that he is both dead and buried, and his sepulchre is with us unto this day. Acts 2:34-36 For David is not ascended into the heavens: but he saith himself, The Lord said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand Until I make thy foes thy footstool. Therefore let all the house of Israel know assuredly, that God hath made the same Jesus, whom ye have crucified, both Lord and Christ (David, God’s beloved David, he is not in heaven. Not yet.)

Rev. 20:6 Blessed and holy is he that hath part in the first resurrection: on such the second death hath no power, but they shall be priests of God and of Christ, and shall reign with him a thousand years. (The resurrection of the dead doesn’t take place upon death. But at Christ’s second coming. 1 Thess 4:16 ‘For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first’)

Death is a sleep. A wonderful, wonderful sleep for those who die secure in Christ’s love for they’ll wake to His wondrous face, to His pure Love, to a world in Him that will have no more pain, no more tears, no more death. There is no mystery about death, none, not if you believe your Bible and Christ's teachings within. What a blessing it is to know that our loved ones are sleeping. Who wouldn't want to know that their loved ones are sleeping where nothing at all can trouble them?

We have memories of our loved ones to hold on to. Memories of them alive. Those memories are special. Those memories grasped and cherished keep our loved ones alive in our hearts forever, and some day soon when Christ returns our loved ones will wake from their sleep and we will be with them again.

~~~~~~~

Sleep, Precious One, Sleep.

~

Taken from me,

I grasp for understanding,

I want you with me still,

And yet,

You sleep.

Sleep precious one,

A rest well deserved,

You will toil no more,

No pain will you feel,

No sorrows will ache - yours - the sweetest of hearts.

Sleep precious one,

Until Christ returns and calls you to Him,

Sleep now, rest now, your work is done.

Never will you be forgotten,

Not by me,

Not by Jesus,

Your memory lives on and on.

I will see you again in Christ, 

That’s His Promise,

He died and was resurrected,

So we too die.

And He will raise us up. 

You sleep now precious one,

Precious love,

When you wake I’ll be there to take your hand,

And we will meet our God in the air and live,

Live where death is no more.

Sleep now precious one, sleep.

The most restful of all sleep.

God Says- Fear Not I Will Help Thee

 It's been a rather long, unexpectedly hard day emotionally- perhaps because today I received …  I don't even want to write the words. Strange how you can read my words as if they're flowing one after the other without any great pause, when in truth some of the pauses are very long. Are there tears within the pauses- sometimes. The day began rather upbeat. My nephew Devlin turned six today and my loving sister wisely knew I needed to get out of the house for a bit so I joined them in some celebrations. As the day drew on though, I suddenly felt overwhelmed. 

The memorial for my husband is in a few days and as it grows nearer, my heart grows heavier. You wanted a party- a celebration, laughter, music, good memories- and you made sure you gave all of us those- plenty of good memories to share. It will be a party and I know I will smile, I will laugh, and I will cry at your very last hooray, the guest of honor departed, but never forgotten, never. 

Going back to my earlier thought- today I received your… death certificates. The official papers legally recording your passing from life to death. Natural causes it reads- you died a death unsuspicious. Your heart gave out right there in the emergency room and it still doesn't seem quite… real. Don't get me wrong, I know it's real, but the railing against the realness remains.

I listen to inspirational music and because of that throughout my grieving various songs will spring to mind. Tonight I'm sharing two of those songs along with their lyrics. 

My Savior holds me in His hand-and He will help me as only He can.

Isa_41:13  For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

This is my prayer-

Psa_143:8  Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

All through Jesus Christ, my Savior and King!

Casting Crowns - Just Be Held (Official Lyric Video)

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

 

And when you're tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

 

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

 

If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You'll know I always have and I always will

 

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand

I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands

 

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you'll find Me

And where you are, I'll hold your heart

I'll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won't let go

*

Tasha Layton // Into The Sea (It's Gonna Be Ok) // [Official Lyric Video]

My heart is breaking

In a way I never thought it could

My mind is racing

With the question, "Are you still good?"

Can you make something

From the wreckage?

Would you take this heart

And make it whole again?

Though the mountains may be moved into the sea

Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way

I can hear my Father singing over me

"It's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok"

I've blamed myself

And if I'm honest, maybe I've blamed You too

But You would not forsake me

'Cause only good things come from You

Though the mountains may be moved into the sea

Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way

I can hear my Father singing over me

"It's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok"

From beginning to the end

You're so close

You have never let me down and You won't

In the valleys, in the shadows I know

You're so close

You're so close

Though the mountains may be moved into the sea

Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way

I can hear my Father singing over me

"It's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok"

It's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok

I'm gonna be ok, I'm gonna be ok 

*******

An Ear Wiggle, A Tug, and A Shrug.

 The last time ignites memories of the first time. Take those aged murky visions and wipe  the accumulated dust of the years aside. Peering into the past isn't easy, even when the dust is blown away - the colors have faded, the details blurred. I see you there though, I see the light of your love for me filling your beautiful brown eyes the first time we met.

Tiny details that make up life. I remember the first time you cut your hair- you cut it for me. The curls that crowned your head were shaved away, and there you were, and there you remained, a shaven head from that moment on. Oh, you weren't completely shaven, most would call it a buzz cut. The short hair left on your head was so soft, so fuzzy. 

From then on you'd shave your head then call me in to cut what you missed. In those few minutes you began a ritual you continued right up until four days before you left me. 

Ear wiggles. Yes, I said ear wiggles. I never knew anyone other than you who could wiggle their ears - without any aid from fingers. Your ear wiggling was unique, and try as I might I could never wiggle my ears and yes, I tried much to your great amusement. 

As I picked up the razor and began to glide it over your head letting it clip away at the few patches of hair you missed, you'd look at me in the mirror and wiggle the ear of whatever side of your head I was trimming. I'd smiled, reach out with my unoccupied hand and tug on your ear lobe, grinning back at you. We both smile, such a sweet intimate smile at this tiny ritual in our life. Then, you'd wiggle your other ear and I'd look at you in the mirror and shrug my one shoulder - hey, I had to do something, I couldn't wiggle my ear. You'd laughed, so many times you laughed at my poor attempt at imitation. You would think that throughout the years we'd grow tired of our ear wiggling, tugging, shoulder shrugging game- we did not.  

Four days, just four days before you left me you called me into the bathroom where you were sitting in your wheelchair in front of the sink. You asked me to finish cutting your hair, and there was a lot to trim. You could no longer leave me just a little bit to touch up, you were too weak- your arms too sore, too heavy. There was an apology in your asking, you told me you were sorry you couldn't cut more. I told you it was okay, but your eyes reflected a knowing of the truth. I winced as I raise my arm high to your head- my shoulder filled with pain. We were a sorry pair in that moment. You with your many pains throughout your body and me with my arm once more torn up inside. 

I trimmed your hair through the pain, and… you wiggled your ear. I tugged your ear. We smiled warily.  You wiggled your other ear. I shrugged my shoulder and gave a little gasp and shook my head. "Oops, wrong shoulder," I said, and grinned a tiny grin. You didn't smile back, instead you sighed.  You told me a few moments later as I lay the electric razor down on the counter that you were going to see if home health might be able to send someone help to help with your hair in the future. I wanted to protest, it was right there on the tip of my tongue to tell you - "No, don't do that. I can do it." But I didn't, you hated to see me in pain, as much as I hated to see you suffering. I knew if I protested it would just wear you out more, so I relented and simply nodded. Inside I lamented that we'd stop sharing our ear wiggling ritual, and I know you felt the same. A great sadness was heavy in the air around us as I left you to finish your grooming.

Silently I mourned the passing of a ritual, but what I couldn't know at that time was four days later your leaving me would take that ritual away forever, and ever. I wouldn't even have the possibility of my arm healing and us returning to our hair cutting just as we'd done over the many years, it was gone forever.

Today I cleaned up the very last of the tiny hairs you left from that hair cutting, those hairs that had a way of eluding the initial clean up around the sink, and I cried. I cried as I wiped them away knowing I'd never find them again. I cried, and in my mind's eye I could see you wiggling your ears first one, then the other, and you smiled - as I cried and shrugged my shoulders, first one, then the other.

From the first haircut  to the last, there was love. 

*

John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. 

Be of good cheer. There is hope of eternity! Hope of you and I in eternity with our Savior.  Tribulation I have in abundance, good cheer is my hope. Come good cheer, rear up your much needed presence, my hope isn't in the here and now. My hope is heavenward. As this world's tribulations touch each and every life, I know I'm not alone in my grief, this world is filled with grief,  we are in constant mourning. We cling to the hope of Christ always! He is our hope in this messed up world. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, now and forever!  Amen!!!!!!! All in our Savior's love!

'T', 'SA', 'SC'.

 'T', 'SA', 'SC'.  No, it's not a secret code, or perhaps it is, because no one knows what those letters stand for except me and…You, now… only me. Only me.

Only…me…Those words, those awful words twist my insides brutally causing every nerve to fire as the sickening realization of your being forever gone once more knocks the very air from my lungs and I gasp out a single agonizing breath. I try to keep the tears from coming, I try, I really try, but they refuse to listen to my silent urging. I need to breathe, but the tears are not silent ones any longer and I gasp for air, making noises only the similarly wounded can comprehend. 

This particular storm of grief begins to abate, just as a torrential downpour all of five minutes long, wreaking great havoc in such an incredibly short amount of time.

'T', 'SA', 'SC', they fill my kitchen calendar each month, only this past year I had more months without them than with. In April there were only a few days with those letters, but May, oh, May was filled! Every day had one of those letters in it. And June, yes, I filled the entire month of June with 'T', 'SA' and 'SC's'. And now…   only two days remain, only two more days with those letters and I'll never fill another month with them again, never. 

Those letters were for you, reminders for me… but, for you. And even though I haven't needed to be reminded since June 5th, the last day of you, those letters remained and I've watched them as each day of this month has passed. Now as we near July, I know when I flip over that page to the new month my heart is going to tear open. There will be new wounds that will need to be sewn closed by my Lord, my Savior, the greatest of all Physicians. He is with me, ready each time the tempest of my storm rears up the waves that threaten to overwhelm me. His love heals, His hope fills me, His peace I cannot understand, but I know it is real because it comforts me.

'T', 'SA', 'SC'. Are you curious as to what they mean? You may laugh, but as I said, I needed the reminders. 'T' - Egg On Toast. 'SA' - Egg Sandwich w/ Tomato/Cheese/Jalapeño. 'SC' - Scrambled Egg with Tomato/Cheese/Jalapeno and Onion. Yes, those were the breakfasts Jerry would eat, the breakfasts I would make for him. June 5th, the last breakfast Jerry had just happened to be his favorite of the three choices- 'T' - Egg On Toast.  Knowing his favorite was his last brings a little smile through the mist of tears. I am thankful for that memory.  And unlike somedays when the yolk would break prematurely, that day it was perfect, just the way he liked it. Such a small blessing, but huge, filled with the balm of peace. 

Only a few days of 'T', 'SA', 'SC' are left to me on that calendar in my kitchen. I will miss them, no…. I will miss you.

Joh_14:27  Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Choosing to Hope Rather Than Despair

 Tribulation- a cause of great trouble or suffering.

My God tells me to be patient in my great suffering. What do I think that means? Does it matter what I think it means? What matters is what it does mean- Patient… accepting suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious. 

Accept the suffering. Is there a certain sense of relief in accepting the suffering rather than railing against it, fighting to get rid of the awfulness? We do that, we fight. We are engulfed in the pain of life. The pain of our bodies degrading in various ways as we age. The pain of our loved ones suffering and our being unable to relieve any of that suffering. The pain of our hearts being crushed by grief. We are to accept all this pain when our very soul screams so loud our minds are lost to hear anything but our cry as it reverberates through our entire existence. 

Accepting the suffering WITHOUT becoming annoyed or anxious.

Accepting the suffering. 

We really have little choice but to accept when the suffering comes. We'd stop it if we could, We'd change things if it were possible. We have to accept it, but how that acceptance manifests itself is something we can try to influence, right?

God tells us to accept our suffering without being upset or worried, and he tells us that we are to rejoice in HOPE, we are to CONTINUE in prayer instantly.

How do we accept our suffering? With hope and prayer.

Without hope and prayer we will flounder our way through our sufferings, our tribulations. 

Is it possible to get through tribulations in our life without hope and prayer? Ask any atheist and they'll tell you that of course it is possible. They may even scoff at the suggestion hope and prayer do anything at all. They may be very proud of their ability to take charge of their lives in times of deep anguish and push through it, rationalize it as they believe they must. 

My God offers me help in my tribulation, and I'll be the first to admit I need His help desperately. I need the HOPE He alone offers! I need the ability to communicate with my God. I need to know beyond doubt there truly is a reason for all the suffering that takes place, and that ALL the suffering even the most unfair kind, is temporary to eternity.  

Rejoice in HOPE, patient in TRIBULATION, continuing instant in PRAYER.

Tribulation is surrounded on either side by Hope and Prayer.

My God is in control… 

For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. Isa. 41:13

Satan would have us despair- to lose all hope- to wallow in the darkest recesses of our abysmal anguish. 

The war I'm fighting with my grief is choosing to hope rather than despair. 

I will weep, and by God's grace they will be tears of refreshing. The rain needing to pour from my heart to water the hope of my soul-- this is my prayer.  

Rom 12:12  Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer

Rejoice.  To give joy to. Delight, exult, glory. 

We aren't to rejoice simply for the sake of rejoicing. We are told to rejoice in HOPE. Rejoice in the HOPE of our SAVIOR!

'Why art thou cast down, O my soul,and why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God. Psa 43.

HOPE, v.t. To desire with expectation of good, or a belief that it may be obtained

Rejoice in the expectation of good, in the belief the good will be obtained.  We aren't to rejoice in ourselves. We'll have tribulation so much tribulation in our lives. In that tribulation we must be patient. How can we be patient in tribulation- through hope, as we are instant in prayer.

Rom 12:15  Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. 

Rejoice with me even as you weep with me. All by the grace and mercy of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

Rest My Grieving Heart

 My grief is not something out of the ordinary, my mind tells me this but my heart cries out- it is! This isn't ordinary! This is so far from ordinary how do people survive?! 

They do, though, all the time, they survive.

My heart can't overrule my mind, not this time. I must put my heart to sleep, let the numbness that seeps in bit by bit enter unchallenged. My heart fights against unfeeling. My heart would rather ache than sleep, but my mind knows in order to heal the agony of living with death I have to let my heart grow quiet, stop its tears.  Do hearts cry? They have to because the tears from my eyes are no longer matching the tears still spilling from my heart. 

Rest now my heart, let this particular wave of tears roll gently into the shore, let this tide of grief subside for a while, as tides are wont to do, rest.

*******

Trials and tribulations. 

They enter our lives these trials and tribulations wreaking havoc with our normalcy. They stir our passionate responses and remind us of the horrors sin has inflicted upon us. We weren't meant to live our lives filled with agonies interspersed with joy. This was never how it was intended and deep down we all know this to be true. Admit it or not, it's truth. I know this isn't how it will always be. I know each and every trial, all the tribulations are temporary to eternity. I will cling to the hope of my Savior who died so I could have the gift of salvation through Him. That salvation will be a life of the purest love in eternity, life how it was supposed to be.  May God keep us in HIM as we face the horrible tragedies sin chokes us with time and time again, threatening to drag us to despair. God forbid we ever despair of the hope found in Jesus Christ, our Lord!

1Pe 1:7  That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ

1Pe 4:12  Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: 

1Pe 4:13  But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 

Joh_16:33  These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Act_14:22  Confirming the souls of the disciples, and exhorting them to continue in the faith, and that we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God.

Rom 8:35  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 

Rom 8:36  As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. 

Rom 8:37  Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 

Rom 8:38  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 

Rom 8:39  Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

While I Was Weeping.

 From a seed to a seedling, my daily vigil witnessing the miracle of gardening, I took you along with me on my journey.  It was never trivial to you. You shared my happiness over the blooming Sunflowers, the Morning Glories- you were there when I lamented of them ever flowering, and you were there when their purple wonder opened on the long vines. You laughed when I told you the Morning Glories were taking over the garden, and I can still see your smile slip away when I mentioned how much they were even enjoying the okra stalks. Okra plants were sacred to you and their being invaded by the Morning Glories was frowned upon. Still, you didn't mind, not as long as your okra blossoms in their glorious yellow and deep purple flourish alongside the invader vines.  

This year you were looking so forward to the okra, and I praise God you were able to enjoy it a few times as it started to produce. There we were, sitting around the dining table once again- and you asked after the okra a week before you left us. I told you it was finally starting to get taller, you mentioned the summer rain is when it will really take off. I said, I really like the tall okra, not the short stuff- you see- I bought various kinds okra seeds- trying them all. You readily agreed that you too liked the tall okra, the taller the better--   we shared a smile. We were waiting on the taller okra… we were waiting on the summer rains…  they came while I was weeping.

I'll continue to watch the okra grow, and the tallest stalks will be a constant reminder of you, of me, of us.

The Zinnias out front were so small, you were waiting for them to bloom. 

They too, as I wept, dared to keep on living, keep on growing, budding and yes, now blossoming-- their beauty marred only by my being unable to share it with you. I know though, I know you'd smile and I can see your smile etched in my heart. Sleep on love, sleep on as the world continues to turn, as the flowers continue to blossom, the okra continues its ascent towards the sky. Sleep on, in the peace of a rest deserved after so much pain. Sleep on for now. I love you. 

*******

"…not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit saith the LORD of hosts."  Zech. 4:6

By the Spirit of the LORD,  I live.

"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth." Heb.11:13

I am persuaded of the future promised resurrection, the future promised new earth, until then I confess I am a stranger and pilgrim on this sin filled world.

"But now they desire a better country, that is, an heavenly: wherefore God is not ashamed to be called their God: for he hath prepared for them a city." Heb.11:16 

I desire a heavenly country prepared by God unashamedly. My God prepares.

"Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season; Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt: for he had respect unto the recompence of the reward." Heb. 11:25,26

Suffer now, refuse sins pleasure. Christ worth more than anything this world has to offer-- anything! No earthly treasure is greater than Christ, not a single one! All the suffering of living now worth the joy of Christ eternally. 

All by the grace and mercy of the Lord, Jesus Christ, my Savior now and forever! Amen!