Last One...For Now.

 I know I've probably already talked about this- more than once, twice, three times- but here I go again. I was told only three days to grieve and I fought for a month and was given no more than a month. I can still see Jerry shaking his head as I fought for more than three days. Surely three days should be enough, right? Absolutely not. As I've been informed by many loved ones- friends and family- grieving goes on for the rest of our lives, it just changes over time. The initial shock wears off, and then as each new day comes and the gut punch of grief lessens somewhat. I have to say somewhat because there are days I'm sucker punched by grief as if it were the first day I'd lost him. To be honest though, bits and pieces of normalcy are peeking up from where they've been hiding and trying to intrude upon my grief. Part of me doesn't want to abandon my grief because it feels as if I'm abandoning him along with the grief. I don't want my life to feel okay without him. It will though, it has to. We live on and make a choice to either cling to the emotional pain refusing to let it go, or we choose to loosen our grip on that pain telling ourselves it doesn't mean I love you less and that you aren't worthy of a lover's mourning that lasts forever. Queen Victoria wore mourning clothes for forty years after her husband of twenty-one years died. Is she to be praised for such devotion, such depths of her love? Do we measure our love for a loved one passing by refusing to allow ourselves to be happy? I don't think so, rather, I know we aren't. Yes, I know I've said most of this before, don't worry I'm hoping I won't be repeating myself much after this.

Jesus said-

Luk_4:18  The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.

When Jesus walked the earth during His three year ministry, he healed the brokenhearted.  Who were those brokenhearted? The grieving? I'm sure a lot of those brokenhearted were grieving the death of loved ones and Jesus healed them from that pain. Jesus took away the wrong path of grief, the path that leads to destruction, to darkness. That wrong path to grief is a reality, and it's a fear loved ones have for those who are caught up in grieving. My loved ones have given me a lot of supportive advice on how to keep from going down that dark path. I need to let myself be okay with smiling, with laughing, with living without my husband. He would want that for me. I know it for a fact beyond disputing- he only wanted to give me three days to grieve. Yes, he knew that three days wasn't a realistic thing to ask- the emphasis he was portraying by even saying three days was on the fact he didn't want my life to stop the day he left it, he wanted my life to go on with a lot of smiles, with much laughter, with joy, with hope, with happiness. I already have Jerry's blessing to let go of the darkness that wants me to equate the depths of my love with the length and ways I mourn. Most importantly I have my Savior wanting to heal my broken heart. Heal me, Lord, heal me as only You can do.

I think part of my healing is going to be going back to my Bible Studies as I did them before Jerry passed on to His long sleep. No more dwelling on the loss in these writings. That doesn't mean I won't occasionally speak of Jerry and my life without him, but I can't let myself focus on that. Even as I write those words the darkness looms telling me that I'm horrible for even thinking it let alone really doing it- but I recognize the darkness for what it is, and I won't be bullied by it. I loved Jerry with my whole heart and nothing will ever change that, nothing. If I laugh instead of cry, that will not change my love for him. And if I cry without letting it consume me, that's okay too, it won't change my love for him. If I stop writing about my life with and without him so much, it won't change my love for him. I love him forever.

Thank you, Lord, for loving me and allowing me Jerry's love. Please keep on healing my broken heart with Your love, now and always! I love you, my Savior Jesus Christ, my Lord. Amen.

A special thank you to all my friends and family who have encouraged me to grieve through my writing, your love is a blessing. I know you'll all understand, because you've understood my journey already. God bless you all! <3 

The Future Is Now Past.

 My husband had plans for his future. They weren't grand plans, but the plans one makes ordinarily in life. He found out his sister, Judy, her husband, Tom and Judy's friend, Lisa were all going to be visiting us in July. This was a very big surprise because we had grown used to their Christmas visits. Excited about this unexpected visit, Jerry immediately set to making plans. He asked his sister about where she'd be staying while visiting and when he learned she would be staying in a place right off the beach, he asked if there was wheelchair access. After being told there was an actual elevator up to their rented condo, Jerry told his sister he wanted to come out there to visit. He didn't do this for himself though. He knew it would be an ordeal for him even with wheelchair access, elevator and all. Jerry told Judy that he wanted to come out there so I would get a chance to go to the beach. He was thinking of me as he made his plans for the future.

The future he was planning is now the past. Today I was blessed when my sister, Beth along with her two grandchildren and her daughter, drove me out to the condo where Judy, Tom and Lisa were staying and we spent the day at the beach. From about 11am to 4pm I was out on the ocean water.

Did I want to go? My grief told me, no. My heart whispered, yes, do it because you know this is what Jerry wanted. I listened to my heart even as my grief brought tears for a while. The tears didn't last long. The peace of the ocean, the rush of the waves, the kindness and love of family took the place of tears and God blessed me today very richly.

I spent hours in the water sifting through sand for seashells and my efforts did not go unrewarded. As I searched for pretty shells I would pause often and look at the ocean and the great swells which would come barreling towards me, knocking against me with power that left me in awe. The beautiful blue sky was decorated wondrously with clouds intricately intertwined, feather brushed by a heavenly artist. The ocean breeze warred against the intense summer heat, mostly winning, keeping us cool enough under hats, and umbrellas upon shore. The day brought peace to my heart and I communed with God as I let the ocean and all my surroundings soothe my soul. My prayers went up often today, prayers of gratitude, gratefulness, thankfulness, love, hope, life.  Jerry wanted this for me, he wanted to be here when I came to the beach, but he sleeps in the purest peace now and suffers no more and this is a blessing for him, and for me knowing he is completely pain free. 

A very special thank you to Judy, Tom, Lisa, Elizabeth, Rayne, Lyla and Devlin for being a part of today's healing. God blessed me with all of you and I thank Him.  I love you!

******* (A letter written in 1894) 

Lt 65a, 1894   Mourning.

George’s Terrace, St. Kilda Road, Melbourne, Australia 

January 1, 1894 

This letter is published in entirety in 2SM 269-274. 

Dear Friends on Pitcairn Island: 

We were made very sad last Thursday to learn of your deep affliction. Our hearts are pained to hear of the deaths of those of our beloved Bro. McCoy’s family. Our sympathies go out to all who are bereaved by this affliction. We extend our sympathy to the children and members of the family who have been thus sorely bereaved, but we would point you to Jesus as your only hope and consolation. The dear companion of our afflicted Bro. McCoy, and the mother of the bereaved children whom she loved, is silent in death. But while we weep with those who weep, we joy at heart because this loved mother and daughter, and Bro. Young, the elder of your church, and others who may have been removed by death, believed in and loved Jesus. 

Let the words of the apostle Paul comfort you: “I would not have you ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that we sorrow not even as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord Himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air; and so shall we ever be with the Lord: wherefore comfort one another with these words.” [1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.] 

We are not like the heathen who have days and nights of mourning, when nothing is heard but dismal chanting of the praises of the dead, for the purpose of arousing human sympathy. We are not to clothe ourselves with mourning clothing, and wear a mournful countenance as though our friends and relatives were for ever parted from us. John exclaims, “Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God and the faith of Jesus. And I heard a voice from heaven saying, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labors; and their works do follow them.” [Revelation 14:12, 13.] 

How appropriate are the words of John in the case of these loved ones who sleep in Jesus. The Lord loved them, and the words spoken by them in their life, their labors of love will be remembered, and will be repeated by others. Their earnest wholeheartedness in the work of God leaves an example for others to follow, for the Holy Spirit has worked in them to will and to do of His good pleasure. 

“But if the spirit of Him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, He that raised up Jesus from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by His spirit that dwelleth in you.” [Romans 8:11.] O how precious are these words to every bereaved soul. Christ is our Guide and Comforter, who comforts us in all our tribulations. When He gives us a bitter draught to drink, He also holds a cup of blessing to our lips. He fills the heart with submission, with joy and peace in believing, and enables us to say submissively, “not my will, but thine, O Lord be done. The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” [Luke 22:42; Job 1:21.] With this submission, hope is resurrected, and the hand of faith lays hold upon the hand of infinite power. “He that raised up Christ from the dead, shall also quicken your mortal bodies by His spirit that dwelleth in you.” 

The very bodies that are sown in corruption will be raised in incorruption. That which is sown in dishonor will be raised in glory; sown in weakness it will be raised in power; sown a natural body it will be raised a spiritual body. The mortal bodies are quickened by His Spirit that dwelleth in you. Christ claims all those as His who have believed in His name. The vitalizing power of the Spirit of Christ dwelling in the mortal body binds every believing soul to Jesus Christ. 

Those who believe in Jesus are sacred to His heart; for their life is hid with Christ in God. The command will come from the Life-giver, “Awake and sing, ye that dwell in dust: for thy dew is as the dew of herbs and the earth shall cast out her dead.” [Isaiah 26:19.] The Life-giver will call up His purchased possession in the first resurrection, and until that triumphant hour, when the last trump shall sound and the vast army shall come forth to eternal victory, every sleeping saint will be kept in safety and will be guarded as a precious jewel, who is known to God by name. By the power of the Saviour that dwelt in them while living, and because they were partakers of the divine nature, they are brought forth from the dead. 

Christ claimed to be the only begotten of the Father, but men encased in unbelief, barricaded with prejudice, denied the holy and the just One. He was charged with blasphemy, and was condemned to a cruel death, but He burst the fetters of the tomb, and rose from the dead triumphant, and over the rent sepulchre of Joseph He declared, “I am the resurrection and the Life.” [John 11:25.] All power in heaven and in earth was vested in Him, and the righteous will also come forth from the tomb free in Jesus. They shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world and the resurrection from the dead. “Then shall the righteous shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father.” [Matthew 13:43.] 

What a glorious morning will the resurrection morning be! What a wonderful scene will open when Christ shall come to be admired of them that believe! All who were partakers with Christ in His humiliation and sufferings will be partakers with Him in His glory. By the resurrection of Christ from the dead every believing saint who falls asleep in Jesus will come forth from his prison house in triumph. The resurrected saint will proclaim, “O death where is thy sting! O grave where is thy victory!” [1 Corinthians 15:55.] “If we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so also those which sleep in Jesus will God bring with Him.” [1 Thessalonians 4:14.] 

Jesus Christ has triumphed over death and rent the fetters of the tomb, and all who sleep in the tomb will share in the victory; they will come forth from their graves as did the conqueror, “for this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain shall not prevent those which are asleep. For the Lord Himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words.” [Verses 15-18.] 

Dear afflicted ones, so sadly bereaved, God has not left you to be the sport of Satan’s temptations. Let your sorrowful hearts be opened to receive the words of consolation from your pitying Redeemer. Jesus loves you. Receive the bright beams of the Sun of Righteousness and be comforted. Thank Him who has risen from the dead, and who ever liveth to make intercession for you. Jesus Christ is a living Saviour. He is not in Joseph’s new tomb. He is risen, He is risen! Rejoice even in this your day of sorrow and bereavement that you have a Saviour who sympathizes with all your grief. He wept at the grave of Lazarus, and identifies His sorrows with those of the sorrowing children. In all your conflicts, in all the trials and perplexities of life, seek counsel first from God. 

The path of obedience to God is as a light that shineth more and more unto the perfect day. Follow step after step in the path of duty. Steep places may have to be climbed, but go forward in the path of humility, of faith and self-denial, leaving the clouds of doubt behind you. Sorrow not in a hopeless way, for the living need your care and love. You have enlisted in the Lord’s army; be brave soldiers of Jesus Christ. Let words of penitence and grateful praise come up before God as sweet incense in His heavenly sanctuary. 

You may be disappointed, and your will and your way may be denied; but be assured that the Lord loves you. The furnace fire may kindle upon you, not for the purpose of destroying you; but to consume the dross, that you may come forth as gold seven times purified. Bear in mind that God will give you songs in the night. Darkness may seem to enclose you; but you are not to look at the clouds. Beyond the darkest cloud there is an everlasting light. The Lord has light for every soul. Open the door of the heart to hope, peace, and joy. Jesus says, “These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.” [John 15:11.] 

God has a special work for everyone to do, and each one of us may do well the work which God has assigned us. The only thing we have to fear on our part is that we shall not keep our eyes constantly fixed upon Jesus, that we shall not have an eye single to the glory of God, so that if we were called to lay down our armour and sleep in death we might not be ready to give account of our trust. Forget not for a moment that you are Christ’s property, bought with an infinite price, and that you are to glorify Him in your spirit, and in your body, which are His. 

To the afflicted ones I would say, Be of good comfort in the hope of the resurrection morning. The waters which you have been drinking are as bitter to your taste as were the waters of Marah to the children of Israel in the wilderness, but Jesus can make them so sweet with His love. When Moses presented before the Lord the sad difficulties of the children of Israel, He did not present some new remedy, but called their attention to that which was at hand, for there was a bush or shrub which He had created that was to be cast into the water to make the fountain sweet and pure. When this was done, the suffering people could drink of the water with safety and pleasure. 

God has provided a balm for every wound. There is a balm in Gilead, there is a physician there. Will you not now as never [before] study the Scriptures. Seek the Lord for wisdom in every emergency. In every trial plead with Jesus to show you a way out of your troubles, then your eyes will be opened to behold the remedy, and to apply to your case the healing promises that have been recorded in His Word. In this way the enemy will find no place to lead you into mourning and unbelief, but instead you will have faith, and hope, and courage in the Lord. 

The Holy Spirit will give you clear discernment that you may see and appropriate every blessing that will act as an antidote to grief, as a branch of healing to every draught of bitterness that is placed to your lips. Every draught of bitterness will be mingled with the love of Jesus, and in the place of complaining of the bitterness, you will realize that Jesus’ love and grace are so mingled with sorrow that it has been turned into holy, subdued, and sanctified joy. 

When Henry White, our eldest son, lay dying, he said, “A bed of pain is a precious place when we have the presence of Jesus.” When we are obliged to drink of the bitter waters, turn away from the bitter to the precious and bright. In trial, grace can give the human soul assurance, and when we stand at the death bed and see how the Christian can bear suffering and go through the valley of death, we gather strength and courage to work, and [we] fail not, [neither are we] discouraged in leading souls to Jesus. 

Confronted With My Life.

 

You Are In All My Tomorrows, Lord.

 One Month Later- 

And now reality has to set in. Is there such a thing as being unable to afford to grieve? There has to be. When you don't have to worry about finances and ALL that encompasses (almost every facet of life), you can afford to let other things take precedence. My grief is caught up in my fear. This strange mixture has one pushing against the other. My grief screams for me to just forget about my fear and mourn without obstruction. My fear growls in reply that I have to let grief go and start buckling down and get to the business of trying to untangle the intricacies of my life. How do I go from being a partner in semi-financial control of my present and supposed future, to being a total dependent upon my child? How do I get my brain to share my heart and believe it isn't a horrible thing to do to your child? A burden, who wants to be a burden? And fear and confusion scream back - what other choice do you have? It wasn't supposed to be this way…  Yet, why would I delude myself it could be any other way? It's not like I ever supported myself- ever. It wasn't wrong to be supported by my husband- I was his wife, his caregiver for many years, I was the homemaker, the old fashioned dependent and now… I am no longer a wife, homemaker, caregiver.  When he left I lost my entire way of living. Is it any wonder I'm drowning, gasping for air? How easy it would be to cling to the despair and let it overwhelm me as it has been constantly threatening to do.  I can't though, I can't. Despair is a creature daily nipping at my heels, but it will NOT take over. My grief is allowed, even the poorest of the poor can be allowed to grieve. Fear will not rob me of my mourning. They may mingling together if they must- one may try to gain the upper hand over the other, each succeeding in their own turns- but never will either mourning or grief bring me to despair. My God is in control. 

Mat 6:33  But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 

Mat 6:34  Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. 

I am seeking FIRST your kingdom God.

I am seeking FIRST your righteousness God.

I am struggling not to WORRY about tomorrow.

I am struggling to believe tomorrow will take care of itself.

I know every day has enough evil of itself that I shouldn't borrow evil from tomorrow.

1Pe 5:6  Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: 

1Pe 5:7  Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

I'm humbling myself, Lord. I know all these things are out of my hands, out of my control. Wherever I've failed and there have been many failures, I can only plead for forgiveness for each and every one. I kneel before You, I know all my righteousness amounts to nothing more than filthy rags. I'm casting ALL my care upon You, my God… all my care. Every single care, the monstrously overwhelming cares, the lesser ones, and even the smallest cares. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know whatever comes along with tomorrow, You will be there- caring for me! There may be horrors I haven't even thought of and perhaps that's good- not thinking of the horrors- but YOU will be in all my tomorrows! You will be there, my God! You will be there telling me that I must believe this world of sorrows is only temporary. My fears are there and must be cast aside as they come up. It's not that I won't fear, but when the fears arise they should be met with You. I must depend upon You. Take all my cares, LORD, take all my cares.

I know I will grieve alongside all of what my tomorrows hold- but You are there LORD with Your promises, Your caring for me. 

You are in all my tomorrows, however many there may be, thank you, Lord, thank you. 

Excess Past.

 Right now, in light of my husband's recent passing I am fighting with wanting to cling tightly to the past, so tightly I find myself terrified of the present and future. Yes, the passing of my husband is very recent, a month on the fifth and as I write this it is only a few hours away to the day, but several hours from the time of his death on that day. Even though it is so recent, I've never felt so pulled to want to look to the past- the recent past is still the past. I want to hold fast to the life I had before Jerry left my life. Almost everything inside me screams that I don't want anything more to change in my life. Everything right here and right now has changed simply because of His being gone, but the thought that I could lose my entire way of life as I've known it - lose even the place where we've lived for the last twenty years- is almost overwhelming. I know this happens to people all the time, all the time- my situation is not unique, but knowing it happens all the time doesn't make it any easier. The Bible tell me - God tells me- to forget the past. There is no footnote next to that passage saying to forget only the distant past. We are to forget the things that are behind us, pressing forward in Christ. Truly I need to press on towards Christ. My treasures I know should be laid up in heaven, not here on earth. All my possessions are but things- and I know all too well that I will not be able to take one thing I own to the grave, not a single thing. Resurrection day must be my hope. I must press on because not to press on would be living in the past, and while it's a nice place to visit from time to time as they say- it's not a place to live. Recent past, distant past, all of it is time spent, time gone. We live in the here and now and holdfast to hope of our future with Christ.

Forget the things in the past, reach towards what is to come. This is told to us by the Apostle Paul, this is told to us through the Holy Spirit. A lot of people give this advice. They say you can't change the past, your past mistakes, your past sins, your past failings- the things that you would change if you could- the regrets you have, and all people have them. Some, however, let their regrets weight heavy upon them to their detriment. They dwell on the past lamenting the things that revealed great flaws in their character. Even momentary lapses in judgment can haunt a person for a long time should they allow. That's the thing, we allow ourselves to dwell wherever we choose- the past, the present, the future. One thing is sure though, Satan would have us dwell wherever he gains the most control over us. I know some people do not believe that Satan is real, let alone able to influence us, but if you believe in Jesus then you must believe in Satan. After forty days in the wilderness after His baptism, Jesus was tempted by Satan. Satan is real, and he has influence in our lives. We pray to be kept from evil and that evil stems from Satan. 

When Paul, guided by the Holy Spirit, wrote that forgetting the past was one thing we needed to comprehend, he was speaking God's truth.

Satan would use the past against us in any way possible. Satan would even allow us and encourage us to dwell on the good in the past so much so it becomes a problem, blocking out the hope in the future.  We don't generally believe that good things can be bad for us, but they can in excess. Excess of the past… we must look forward… even now. 

Php 3:8  Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ, 

Php 3:9  And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith: 

Php 3:10  That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death; 

Php 3:11  If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead. 

Php 3:12  Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus. 

Php 3:13  Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 

Php 3:14  I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. 

Php 3:15  Let us therefore, as many as be perfect, be thus minded: and if in any thing ye be otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you. 

The knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord.

That I may win Christ.

Be found in him.

Righteousness which is of God by faith.

That I may know him.

The power of His resurrection.

Fellowship of his suffering. 

By any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.

I'm not perfect- now, in the resurrection I will be.

Everyone- understand one thing- 

Forget the past.

Look to the future.

Work towards the prize- only found in Christ Jesus.

If you would be perfect, if I would be perfect-- think this way.

God will show you if you are not understanding His ways. 

God's will be done, now and always! All through Jesus Christ our Lord, our Savior, now and forever!!!!!!!  Amen.

Jerry's Widow.

 Widow.

I am a widow. That word sounds too hollow, too lonely. How can I be a widow? Oh, I know that even very young women can be widows. There were probably a lot of young women during war times that became widows. Yet in my mind I want to equate the word widow with someone older than me. Even my own sister and mother were widowed younger than I am now, but it makes no difference. In this moment in time my mind is telling me I'm too young for this thing called widowhood. I know why. I do. I'm too young because you died too soon, way too soon. Were you young? No, not incredibly young. But you were far from old enough to die and have me say it was time. Yes, I can say by your suffering that you were a very ancient man. You even joked, half-joked rather- that you felt like you were a million years old. Or, maybe I want to think you were joking when in truth, the pain you suffered with day in and day out made you feel as if you'd lived too long. I didn't feel your pain. We can't feel the pain of others- not truly. Even if I had the exact same health problems as you- I wouldn't feel them the same. We all have different tolerances to pain and you, my love, had a great tolerance for it- and oh how you suffered. 

Still… selfishly… I wish you'd lived longer, live still, lived right now this very moment! I don't want to say I'm a widow! I don't want to utter those words to anyone! I don't even like to write them as I'm doing now! I'm not ready to be a widow because I'm not ready to be without you. I will never be ready to be without you.

Almost a whole month has gone by, how is that possible? I can still see you so clearly as you were the day you…

…died.

How could you have died that day? You ate your breakfast just as you do every day. Shouldn't you have been too ill to eat? Shouldn't the red flags that came up that day have been a brighter red, and bigger, so much bigger. The warning signs were too fuzzy to read clearly. You weren't feeling good, but you said not bad enough for a hospital… but then…you wanted a hospital. Even so, I thought your progressively invalid state that morning was more of a deciding factor- not that you were…

…dying.

You didn't think you were dying, if you did wouldn't you have told me? Had there been so many close calls you honestly considered this yet another?  So many close calls lulled us into believing you were somehow invincible. Even those who defy odds, even those who defy death time and time again eventually…

… die.  

I don't want to be a widow, I want to be your wife, not your widow. At least I'm still…

…yours. 

I'm Jerry's widow and therefore I am…

…yours still.

All glory to God for having blessed me with You, Jerry. Sleep on while I chat with you from time to time, my love. We'll catch up when we meet again in the glorious day of resurrection. May God's will be done always, and may I find forgiveness when I put my own will before His. 

1Co 13:13  And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. 

All through Your love my Savior! Your love! Amen!

*

Deu_24:19  When thou cuttest down thine harvest in thy field, and hast forgot a sheaf in the field, thou shalt not go again to fetch it: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hands.

Deu_24:20  When thou beatest thine olive tree, thou shalt not go over the boughs again: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow.

Deu_24:21  When thou gatherest the grapes of thy vineyard, thou shalt not glean it afterward: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow.

Deu_26:12  When thou hast made an end of tithing all the tithes of thine increase the third year, which is the year of tithing, and hast given it unto the Levite, the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, that they may eat within thy gates, and be filled

Psa_146:9  The LORD preserveth the strangers; he relieveth the fatherless and widow: but the way of the wicked he turneth upside down.

Pro_15:25  The LORD will destroy the house of the proud: but he will establish the border of the widow.

Isa_1:17  Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.

Zec_7:10  And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.

1Ti 5:3  Honour widows that are widows indeed. 

1Ti 5:4  But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God. 

1Ti 5:5  Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day. 

God's Grief.

 My Jesus is a man of SORROWS, acquainted with GRIEF. My Jesus is TOUCHED with the FEELING of my infirmities.  My God knows grief, my God understands my sorrow.  So often people imagine God as being incapable of grieving because He is the one who allows grief. We tell ourselves if we had the power to keep grief at bay we'd use it all the time. We question why grief is allowed. Truthfully what we know as grief is miniscule compared to God's grief. 

On a small scale we are allowed to comprehend what it is to lose a loved one. God, on a scale much larger, loses those He would love all the time from the first loss in Cain down to whoever will be the last. God knows the incredible heartbreak of losing millions and millions and millions and millions of people in permanence, not temporarily. We do not know the ultimate fate of a single loved one, not one. We like to imagine we know the heart of one another but truthfully, the sweetest of hearts to us could be the vilest to God. We do not know the hearts. Some people live in a fantasy world of their own making which includes the fantasy of all our loved ones belonging to God. I would love to live in that fantasy, but I can't. I don't even know my own heart let alone that of anyone else. Jer 17:9  The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? 

We live with the HOPE that our dead loved ones will rise on the day of resurrection, and we are allowed that hope because otherwise our grief would be too much to bear. God lives with the grief instantly when someone dies because He knows if they chose not to love Him. God knows those who will not rise on the day of resurrection and He is not callous about it at all. Every death of those who made the choice not to belong to Him is felt by Him, mourned by Him. 

You might think that if God is experiencing this grief it makes no sense when He could simply end all grief with a thought, but if that was something He would choose to do, He would not be our God. With the entrance of sin came grief, and only when sin is gone can there be no grief. We are allowed glimpses into the whys and wherefores of God, of His ways, but they truly are way above our full comprehension. 

People grapple with God allowing sin at all as they refuse to understand that to do otherwise is not love. Force negates love. Can you force a single person to love? No, you cannot. We try to force love upon mother's for their children saying it's unnatural for a mother not to love their newborn child. Imagine the shock of a mother who feels nothing for their baby, no love at all. That mother tries to force herself to love her baby because that is what all mothers are supposed to do. Something is wrong with the mother when that instant love isn't there, the mother is broken in some way- we say. Yet still, even though we try to force mother love it does not mean every mother will love.  If you're reading this and you can't comprehend a mother not loving their newborn baby,  it happens a lot more than people want to believe. And if we can't be sure that every new mother will love their child, how can we be sure of any love? Children are to love their parents- but that's not always true either. Loving one another- we make a choice to love someone, and all too often make the choice to stop loving that same someone. LOVE cannot be forced even for a moment so why do we want an existence of forced love? We are asking for that existence when we blame God for all evil. We are crying out for a dictator to rule us, not a creator ruling from love. 

I can't know if any of my loved ones will rise on resurrection day, but I HOPE! I hope my loved ones will be resurrected, and I praise God I can have that hope and live in that hope. I won't play God by trying to delude myself and assure myself of a loved one's resurrection, I will keep the truth before my eyes and lay claim to hope.

So, if you want to reassure me of my husband's resurrection I will take your surety for what it is and continue my hoping. Will I see my husband again someday- I HOPE so. Will I see my mother and father, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends- I hope so. Will they see me- I hope so. I live in HOPE, my faith is in hope for faith IS the substance of things HOPED for.

And as the song- My Hope Is Built On Nothing Less- says:

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly lean on Jesus' name

On Christ the solid rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

…

When He shall come with trumpet sound

Oh may I then in Him be found

Dressed in his righteousness alone

Faultless to stand before the throne

On Christ the solid rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness

*******

May God bless us all with HIS amazing love. May Jesus Christ our eternal Savior be ours! May we be resurrected on resurrection day- hopefully very soon. May we know that we have eternal life and continue to hope that all may know the same. May the God of love - unending love- all sacrificing love, be with us now and forever! Amen!!!!!!!

Psa 78:40  How oft did they provoke him in the wilderness, and grieve him in the desert! 

Lam_3:33  For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men

Heb 12:9  Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? 

Heb 12:10  For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. 

Heb_4:15  For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.

Isa 53:3  He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 

Isa 53:4  Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 

Luk 4:18  The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to… heal the brokenhearted…

2Ch 34:27  Because thine heart was tender, and thou didst humble thyself before God, when thou heardest his words against this place, and against the inhabitants thereof, and humbledst thyself before me, and didst rend thy clothes, and weep before me; I have even heard thee also, saith the LORD. 

Psa 34:18  The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. 

Psa 51:17  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Psa 147:3  He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. 

Isa 57:15  For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones. 

Isa 66:2  For all those things hath mine hand made, and all those things have been, saith the LORD: but to this man will I look, even to him that is poor and of a contrite spirit, and trembleth at my word.

Psa 147:3  He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. 

2Co 7:6  Nevertheless God, that comforteth those that are cast down…

2Co 1:3  Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; 

2Co 1:4  Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 

Jer 31:13  … I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow

Mat 5:4  Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. 

Joh 14:16  And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever

Rom 15:5  Now the God of patience and consolation grant you to be likeminded one toward another according to Christ Jesus

Php 2:1  If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, 

Php 2:2  Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 

2Th 2:16  Now our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God, even our Father, which hath loved us, and hath given us everlasting consolation and good hope through grace, 

2Th 2:17  Comfort your hearts, and stablish you in every good word and work