You Are In All My Tomorrows, Lord.

 One Month Later- 

And now reality has to set in. Is there such a thing as being unable to afford to grieve? There has to be. When you don't have to worry about finances and ALL that encompasses (almost every facet of life), you can afford to let other things take precedence. My grief is caught up in my fear. This strange mixture has one pushing against the other. My grief screams for me to just forget about my fear and mourn without obstruction. My fear growls in reply that I have to let grief go and start buckling down and get to the business of trying to untangle the intricacies of my life. How do I go from being a partner in semi-financial control of my present and supposed future, to being a total dependent upon my child? How do I get my brain to share my heart and believe it isn't a horrible thing to do to your child? A burden, who wants to be a burden? And fear and confusion scream back - what other choice do you have? It wasn't supposed to be this way…  Yet, why would I delude myself it could be any other way? It's not like I ever supported myself- ever. It wasn't wrong to be supported by my husband- I was his wife, his caregiver for many years, I was the homemaker, the old fashioned dependent and now… I am no longer a wife, homemaker, caregiver.  When he left I lost my entire way of living. Is it any wonder I'm drowning, gasping for air? How easy it would be to cling to the despair and let it overwhelm me as it has been constantly threatening to do.  I can't though, I can't. Despair is a creature daily nipping at my heels, but it will NOT take over. My grief is allowed, even the poorest of the poor can be allowed to grieve. Fear will not rob me of my mourning. They may mingling together if they must- one may try to gain the upper hand over the other, each succeeding in their own turns- but never will either mourning or grief bring me to despair. My God is in control. 

Mat 6:33  But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 

Mat 6:34  Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. 

I am seeking FIRST your kingdom God.

I am seeking FIRST your righteousness God.

I am struggling not to WORRY about tomorrow.

I am struggling to believe tomorrow will take care of itself.

I know every day has enough evil of itself that I shouldn't borrow evil from tomorrow.

1Pe 5:6  Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: 

1Pe 5:7  Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

I'm humbling myself, Lord. I know all these things are out of my hands, out of my control. Wherever I've failed and there have been many failures, I can only plead for forgiveness for each and every one. I kneel before You, I know all my righteousness amounts to nothing more than filthy rags. I'm casting ALL my care upon You, my God… all my care. Every single care, the monstrously overwhelming cares, the lesser ones, and even the smallest cares. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know whatever comes along with tomorrow, You will be there- caring for me! There may be horrors I haven't even thought of and perhaps that's good- not thinking of the horrors- but YOU will be in all my tomorrows! You will be there, my God! You will be there telling me that I must believe this world of sorrows is only temporary. My fears are there and must be cast aside as they come up. It's not that I won't fear, but when the fears arise they should be met with You. I must depend upon You. Take all my cares, LORD, take all my cares.

I know I will grieve alongside all of what my tomorrows hold- but You are there LORD with Your promises, Your caring for me. 

You are in all my tomorrows, however many there may be, thank you, Lord, thank you.