Never Again.

 A simple thing, an everyday thing really. Or maybe it's not an everyday thing any longer. How many people still use recipe books? Hard copies, not online, but recipe books that you can open up and look through to find a recipe- a new one or an old favorite? Several years ago, a few years before my mother died, she took the time to put together her favorite recipes into binders and she did this for each of her children and grandchildren I believe. This recipe book was in a thin binder and soon I was adding my own recipes to it and I needed a large binder. So over the next several years my mother's recipe book was transformed by me in more ways than one becoming something I would not want to be without. Before anyone suggests I should have all those recipes backed up on my computer, they are there and most of them (but not all) are online.

There you have it, a short history of my recipe book. Why did I feel the need to share that today? Because today I had to grab it up to find a recipe I needed and the tears welled up once again as I turned a page and saw one of Jerry's favorites- Borscht. 

My thoughts came fast and each one was a little dagger twisting in my heart. I would never again make Borscht for him. So many never again-s and each never again held its own dagger. Some of those daggers were only capable of tiny pinpricks and scarcely did more than pinch. Other daggers slip in silently, deeply and the agony of those cause my heart to scream unheard by all but me.

Today my heart screamed over and over as I continued to turn the pages of that recipe book in search of the recipe I wanted, and recipe after recipe that I made solely for Jerry, with ingredients only he enjoyed, went by. Never again, never again… never again… 

Then, as I found my recipe and closed the book, I wiped the tears away, and my heart while still stinging from grief's brutal attack, sighed heavily from emotions released. I took a deep breath, tucked the recipe book, minus the recipe page I extracted, back where it belonged.  I knew I'd have to open it again, and again and I'd see Jerry's recipes, recipes of his favorite foods that he'd never eat again, that I'd never make again, but it would get easier, at least that was my hope for the future.

Before I end this I have to add just a bit more. That Borscht recipe that struck the first blow upon my heart today, well, Jerry asked me to make it for him about a month before He passed. I remember his enjoying it immensely for dinner one day and for a snack on another day- the memory was a good one, a balm on the wounds earlier made. 

As the day wore on, I didn't realize that those heart daggers had retreated only to be sharpened. When I went to the freezer to take out things I'd needed, hopefully like most people - I had to do a bit of rooting around. I move this container, that container and then the long, thin knife blade was thrust hard into my heart with an added twist for good measure- there was a container clearly marked-- Borscht. You see, I'd made a whole pot of the Borscht Jerry loved so he could have it again at a later time, there will be no later time, in fact there is only…never again. 

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Isa 55:1  Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. 

Isa 55:2  Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness. 

Isa 55:3  Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David. 

Isa 55:4  Behold, I have given him for a witness to the people, a leader and commander to the people. 

Isa 55:5  Behold, thou shalt call a nation that thou knowest not, and nations that knew not thee shall run unto thee because of the LORD thy God, and for the Holy One of Israel; for he hath glorified thee. 

Isa 55:6  Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: 

Isa 55:7  Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. 

Isa 55:8  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. 

Isa 55:9  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. 

Isa 55:10  For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater: 

Isa 55:11  So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it. 

Isa 55:12  For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. 

Isa 55:13  Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the LORD for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.