I know I've probably already talked about this- more than once, twice, three times- but here I go again. I was told only three days to grieve and I fought for a month and was given no more than a month. I can still see Jerry shaking his head as I fought for more than three days. Surely three days should be enough, right? Absolutely not. As I've been informed by many loved ones- friends and family- grieving goes on for the rest of our lives, it just changes over time. The initial shock wears off, and then as each new day comes and the gut punch of grief lessens somewhat. I have to say somewhat because there are days I'm sucker punched by grief as if it were the first day I'd lost him. To be honest though, bits and pieces of normalcy are peeking up from where they've been hiding and trying to intrude upon my grief. Part of me doesn't want to abandon my grief because it feels as if I'm abandoning him along with the grief. I don't want my life to feel okay without him. It will though, it has to. We live on and make a choice to either cling to the emotional pain refusing to let it go, or we choose to loosen our grip on that pain telling ourselves it doesn't mean I love you less and that you aren't worthy of a lover's mourning that lasts forever. Queen Victoria wore mourning clothes for forty years after her husband of twenty-one years died. Is she to be praised for such devotion, such depths of her love? Do we measure our love for a loved one passing by refusing to allow ourselves to be happy? I don't think so, rather, I know we aren't. Yes, I know I've said most of this before, don't worry I'm hoping I won't be repeating myself much after this.
Jesus said-
Luk_4:18 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.
When Jesus walked the earth during His three year ministry, he healed the brokenhearted. Who were those brokenhearted? The grieving? I'm sure a lot of those brokenhearted were grieving the death of loved ones and Jesus healed them from that pain. Jesus took away the wrong path of grief, the path that leads to destruction, to darkness. That wrong path to grief is a reality, and it's a fear loved ones have for those who are caught up in grieving. My loved ones have given me a lot of supportive advice on how to keep from going down that dark path. I need to let myself be okay with smiling, with laughing, with living without my husband. He would want that for me. I know it for a fact beyond disputing- he only wanted to give me three days to grieve. Yes, he knew that three days wasn't a realistic thing to ask- the emphasis he was portraying by even saying three days was on the fact he didn't want my life to stop the day he left it, he wanted my life to go on with a lot of smiles, with much laughter, with joy, with hope, with happiness. I already have Jerry's blessing to let go of the darkness that wants me to equate the depths of my love with the length and ways I mourn. Most importantly I have my Savior wanting to heal my broken heart. Heal me, Lord, heal me as only You can do.
I think part of my healing is going to be going back to my Bible Studies as I did them before Jerry passed on to His long sleep. No more dwelling on the loss in these writings. That doesn't mean I won't occasionally speak of Jerry and my life without him, but I can't let myself focus on that. Even as I write those words the darkness looms telling me that I'm horrible for even thinking it let alone really doing it- but I recognize the darkness for what it is, and I won't be bullied by it. I loved Jerry with my whole heart and nothing will ever change that, nothing. If I laugh instead of cry, that will not change my love for him. And if I cry without letting it consume me, that's okay too, it won't change my love for him. If I stop writing about my life with and without him so much, it won't change my love for him. I love him forever.
Thank you, Lord, for loving me and allowing me Jerry's love. Please keep on healing my broken heart with Your love, now and always! I love you, my Savior Jesus Christ, my Lord. Amen.
A special thank you to all my friends and family who have encouraged me to grieve through my writing, your love is a blessing. I know you'll all understand, because you've understood my journey already. God bless you all! <3
No comments:
Post a Comment