Jerry's Widow.

 Widow.

I am a widow. That word sounds too hollow, too lonely. How can I be a widow? Oh, I know that even very young women can be widows. There were probably a lot of young women during war times that became widows. Yet in my mind I want to equate the word widow with someone older than me. Even my own sister and mother were widowed younger than I am now, but it makes no difference. In this moment in time my mind is telling me I'm too young for this thing called widowhood. I know why. I do. I'm too young because you died too soon, way too soon. Were you young? No, not incredibly young. But you were far from old enough to die and have me say it was time. Yes, I can say by your suffering that you were a very ancient man. You even joked, half-joked rather- that you felt like you were a million years old. Or, maybe I want to think you were joking when in truth, the pain you suffered with day in and day out made you feel as if you'd lived too long. I didn't feel your pain. We can't feel the pain of others- not truly. Even if I had the exact same health problems as you- I wouldn't feel them the same. We all have different tolerances to pain and you, my love, had a great tolerance for it- and oh how you suffered. 

Still… selfishly… I wish you'd lived longer, live still, lived right now this very moment! I don't want to say I'm a widow! I don't want to utter those words to anyone! I don't even like to write them as I'm doing now! I'm not ready to be a widow because I'm not ready to be without you. I will never be ready to be without you.

Almost a whole month has gone by, how is that possible? I can still see you so clearly as you were the day you…

…died.

How could you have died that day? You ate your breakfast just as you do every day. Shouldn't you have been too ill to eat? Shouldn't the red flags that came up that day have been a brighter red, and bigger, so much bigger. The warning signs were too fuzzy to read clearly. You weren't feeling good, but you said not bad enough for a hospital… but then…you wanted a hospital. Even so, I thought your progressively invalid state that morning was more of a deciding factor- not that you were…

…dying.

You didn't think you were dying, if you did wouldn't you have told me? Had there been so many close calls you honestly considered this yet another?  So many close calls lulled us into believing you were somehow invincible. Even those who defy odds, even those who defy death time and time again eventually…

… die.  

I don't want to be a widow, I want to be your wife, not your widow. At least I'm still…

…yours. 

I'm Jerry's widow and therefore I am…

…yours still.

All glory to God for having blessed me with You, Jerry. Sleep on while I chat with you from time to time, my love. We'll catch up when we meet again in the glorious day of resurrection. May God's will be done always, and may I find forgiveness when I put my own will before His. 

1Co 13:13  And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. 

All through Your love my Savior! Your love! Amen!

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Deu_24:19  When thou cuttest down thine harvest in thy field, and hast forgot a sheaf in the field, thou shalt not go again to fetch it: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hands.

Deu_24:20  When thou beatest thine olive tree, thou shalt not go over the boughs again: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow.

Deu_24:21  When thou gatherest the grapes of thy vineyard, thou shalt not glean it afterward: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow.

Deu_26:12  When thou hast made an end of tithing all the tithes of thine increase the third year, which is the year of tithing, and hast given it unto the Levite, the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, that they may eat within thy gates, and be filled

Psa_146:9  The LORD preserveth the strangers; he relieveth the fatherless and widow: but the way of the wicked he turneth upside down.

Pro_15:25  The LORD will destroy the house of the proud: but he will establish the border of the widow.

Isa_1:17  Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.

Zec_7:10  And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.

1Ti 5:3  Honour widows that are widows indeed. 

1Ti 5:4  But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God. 

1Ti 5:5  Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day.