God Says- Fear Not I Will Help Thee

 It's been a rather long, unexpectedly hard day emotionally- perhaps because today I received …  I don't even want to write the words. Strange how you can read my words as if they're flowing one after the other without any great pause, when in truth some of the pauses are very long. Are there tears within the pauses- sometimes. The day began rather upbeat. My nephew Devlin turned six today and my loving sister wisely knew I needed to get out of the house for a bit so I joined them in some celebrations. As the day drew on though, I suddenly felt overwhelmed. 

The memorial for my husband is in a few days and as it grows nearer, my heart grows heavier. You wanted a party- a celebration, laughter, music, good memories- and you made sure you gave all of us those- plenty of good memories to share. It will be a party and I know I will smile, I will laugh, and I will cry at your very last hooray, the guest of honor departed, but never forgotten, never. 

Going back to my earlier thought- today I received your… death certificates. The official papers legally recording your passing from life to death. Natural causes it reads- you died a death unsuspicious. Your heart gave out right there in the emergency room and it still doesn't seem quite… real. Don't get me wrong, I know it's real, but the railing against the realness remains.

I listen to inspirational music and because of that throughout my grieving various songs will spring to mind. Tonight I'm sharing two of those songs along with their lyrics. 

My Savior holds me in His hand-and He will help me as only He can.

Isa_41:13  For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

This is my prayer-

Psa_143:8  Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

All through Jesus Christ, my Savior and King!

Casting Crowns - Just Be Held (Official Lyric Video)

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

 

And when you're tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

 

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

 

If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You'll know I always have and I always will

 

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand

I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands

 

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you'll find Me

And where you are, I'll hold your heart

I'll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won't let go

*

Tasha Layton // Into The Sea (It's Gonna Be Ok) // [Official Lyric Video]

My heart is breaking

In a way I never thought it could

My mind is racing

With the question, "Are you still good?"

Can you make something

From the wreckage?

Would you take this heart

And make it whole again?

Though the mountains may be moved into the sea

Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way

I can hear my Father singing over me

"It's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok"

I've blamed myself

And if I'm honest, maybe I've blamed You too

But You would not forsake me

'Cause only good things come from You

Though the mountains may be moved into the sea

Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way

I can hear my Father singing over me

"It's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok"

From beginning to the end

You're so close

You have never let me down and You won't

In the valleys, in the shadows I know

You're so close

You're so close

Though the mountains may be moved into the sea

Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way

I can hear my Father singing over me

"It's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok"

It's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok

I'm gonna be ok, I'm gonna be ok 

*******

An Ear Wiggle, A Tug, and A Shrug.

 The last time ignites memories of the first time. Take those aged murky visions and wipe  the accumulated dust of the years aside. Peering into the past isn't easy, even when the dust is blown away - the colors have faded, the details blurred. I see you there though, I see the light of your love for me filling your beautiful brown eyes the first time we met.

Tiny details that make up life. I remember the first time you cut your hair- you cut it for me. The curls that crowned your head were shaved away, and there you were, and there you remained, a shaven head from that moment on. Oh, you weren't completely shaven, most would call it a buzz cut. The short hair left on your head was so soft, so fuzzy. 

From then on you'd shave your head then call me in to cut what you missed. In those few minutes you began a ritual you continued right up until four days before you left me. 

Ear wiggles. Yes, I said ear wiggles. I never knew anyone other than you who could wiggle their ears - without any aid from fingers. Your ear wiggling was unique, and try as I might I could never wiggle my ears and yes, I tried much to your great amusement. 

As I picked up the razor and began to glide it over your head letting it clip away at the few patches of hair you missed, you'd look at me in the mirror and wiggle the ear of whatever side of your head I was trimming. I'd smiled, reach out with my unoccupied hand and tug on your ear lobe, grinning back at you. We both smile, such a sweet intimate smile at this tiny ritual in our life. Then, you'd wiggle your other ear and I'd look at you in the mirror and shrug my one shoulder - hey, I had to do something, I couldn't wiggle my ear. You'd laughed, so many times you laughed at my poor attempt at imitation. You would think that throughout the years we'd grow tired of our ear wiggling, tugging, shoulder shrugging game- we did not.  

Four days, just four days before you left me you called me into the bathroom where you were sitting in your wheelchair in front of the sink. You asked me to finish cutting your hair, and there was a lot to trim. You could no longer leave me just a little bit to touch up, you were too weak- your arms too sore, too heavy. There was an apology in your asking, you told me you were sorry you couldn't cut more. I told you it was okay, but your eyes reflected a knowing of the truth. I winced as I raise my arm high to your head- my shoulder filled with pain. We were a sorry pair in that moment. You with your many pains throughout your body and me with my arm once more torn up inside. 

I trimmed your hair through the pain, and… you wiggled your ear. I tugged your ear. We smiled warily.  You wiggled your other ear. I shrugged my shoulder and gave a little gasp and shook my head. "Oops, wrong shoulder," I said, and grinned a tiny grin. You didn't smile back, instead you sighed.  You told me a few moments later as I lay the electric razor down on the counter that you were going to see if home health might be able to send someone help to help with your hair in the future. I wanted to protest, it was right there on the tip of my tongue to tell you - "No, don't do that. I can do it." But I didn't, you hated to see me in pain, as much as I hated to see you suffering. I knew if I protested it would just wear you out more, so I relented and simply nodded. Inside I lamented that we'd stop sharing our ear wiggling ritual, and I know you felt the same. A great sadness was heavy in the air around us as I left you to finish your grooming.

Silently I mourned the passing of a ritual, but what I couldn't know at that time was four days later your leaving me would take that ritual away forever, and ever. I wouldn't even have the possibility of my arm healing and us returning to our hair cutting just as we'd done over the many years, it was gone forever.

Today I cleaned up the very last of the tiny hairs you left from that hair cutting, those hairs that had a way of eluding the initial clean up around the sink, and I cried. I cried as I wiped them away knowing I'd never find them again. I cried, and in my mind's eye I could see you wiggling your ears first one, then the other, and you smiled - as I cried and shrugged my shoulders, first one, then the other.

From the first haircut  to the last, there was love. 

*

John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. 

Be of good cheer. There is hope of eternity! Hope of you and I in eternity with our Savior.  Tribulation I have in abundance, good cheer is my hope. Come good cheer, rear up your much needed presence, my hope isn't in the here and now. My hope is heavenward. As this world's tribulations touch each and every life, I know I'm not alone in my grief, this world is filled with grief,  we are in constant mourning. We cling to the hope of Christ always! He is our hope in this messed up world. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, now and forever!  Amen!!!!!!! All in our Savior's love!

'T', 'SA', 'SC'.

 'T', 'SA', 'SC'.  No, it's not a secret code, or perhaps it is, because no one knows what those letters stand for except me and…You, now… only me. Only me.

Only…me…Those words, those awful words twist my insides brutally causing every nerve to fire as the sickening realization of your being forever gone once more knocks the very air from my lungs and I gasp out a single agonizing breath. I try to keep the tears from coming, I try, I really try, but they refuse to listen to my silent urging. I need to breathe, but the tears are not silent ones any longer and I gasp for air, making noises only the similarly wounded can comprehend. 

This particular storm of grief begins to abate, just as a torrential downpour all of five minutes long, wreaking great havoc in such an incredibly short amount of time.

'T', 'SA', 'SC', they fill my kitchen calendar each month, only this past year I had more months without them than with. In April there were only a few days with those letters, but May, oh, May was filled! Every day had one of those letters in it. And June, yes, I filled the entire month of June with 'T', 'SA' and 'SC's'. And now…   only two days remain, only two more days with those letters and I'll never fill another month with them again, never. 

Those letters were for you, reminders for me… but, for you. And even though I haven't needed to be reminded since June 5th, the last day of you, those letters remained and I've watched them as each day of this month has passed. Now as we near July, I know when I flip over that page to the new month my heart is going to tear open. There will be new wounds that will need to be sewn closed by my Lord, my Savior, the greatest of all Physicians. He is with me, ready each time the tempest of my storm rears up the waves that threaten to overwhelm me. His love heals, His hope fills me, His peace I cannot understand, but I know it is real because it comforts me.

'T', 'SA', 'SC'. Are you curious as to what they mean? You may laugh, but as I said, I needed the reminders. 'T' - Egg On Toast. 'SA' - Egg Sandwich w/ Tomato/Cheese/Jalapeño. 'SC' - Scrambled Egg with Tomato/Cheese/Jalapeno and Onion. Yes, those were the breakfasts Jerry would eat, the breakfasts I would make for him. June 5th, the last breakfast Jerry had just happened to be his favorite of the three choices- 'T' - Egg On Toast.  Knowing his favorite was his last brings a little smile through the mist of tears. I am thankful for that memory.  And unlike somedays when the yolk would break prematurely, that day it was perfect, just the way he liked it. Such a small blessing, but huge, filled with the balm of peace. 

Only a few days of 'T', 'SA', 'SC' are left to me on that calendar in my kitchen. I will miss them, no…. I will miss you.

Joh_14:27  Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Choosing to Hope Rather Than Despair

 Tribulation- a cause of great trouble or suffering.

My God tells me to be patient in my great suffering. What do I think that means? Does it matter what I think it means? What matters is what it does mean- Patient… accepting suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious. 

Accept the suffering. Is there a certain sense of relief in accepting the suffering rather than railing against it, fighting to get rid of the awfulness? We do that, we fight. We are engulfed in the pain of life. The pain of our bodies degrading in various ways as we age. The pain of our loved ones suffering and our being unable to relieve any of that suffering. The pain of our hearts being crushed by grief. We are to accept all this pain when our very soul screams so loud our minds are lost to hear anything but our cry as it reverberates through our entire existence. 

Accepting the suffering WITHOUT becoming annoyed or anxious.

Accepting the suffering. 

We really have little choice but to accept when the suffering comes. We'd stop it if we could, We'd change things if it were possible. We have to accept it, but how that acceptance manifests itself is something we can try to influence, right?

God tells us to accept our suffering without being upset or worried, and he tells us that we are to rejoice in HOPE, we are to CONTINUE in prayer instantly.

How do we accept our suffering? With hope and prayer.

Without hope and prayer we will flounder our way through our sufferings, our tribulations. 

Is it possible to get through tribulations in our life without hope and prayer? Ask any atheist and they'll tell you that of course it is possible. They may even scoff at the suggestion hope and prayer do anything at all. They may be very proud of their ability to take charge of their lives in times of deep anguish and push through it, rationalize it as they believe they must. 

My God offers me help in my tribulation, and I'll be the first to admit I need His help desperately. I need the HOPE He alone offers! I need the ability to communicate with my God. I need to know beyond doubt there truly is a reason for all the suffering that takes place, and that ALL the suffering even the most unfair kind, is temporary to eternity.  

Rejoice in HOPE, patient in TRIBULATION, continuing instant in PRAYER.

Tribulation is surrounded on either side by Hope and Prayer.

My God is in control… 

For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. Isa. 41:13

Satan would have us despair- to lose all hope- to wallow in the darkest recesses of our abysmal anguish. 

The war I'm fighting with my grief is choosing to hope rather than despair. 

I will weep, and by God's grace they will be tears of refreshing. The rain needing to pour from my heart to water the hope of my soul-- this is my prayer.  

Rom 12:12  Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer

Rejoice.  To give joy to. Delight, exult, glory. 

We aren't to rejoice simply for the sake of rejoicing. We are told to rejoice in HOPE. Rejoice in the HOPE of our SAVIOR!

'Why art thou cast down, O my soul,and why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God. Psa 43.

HOPE, v.t. To desire with expectation of good, or a belief that it may be obtained

Rejoice in the expectation of good, in the belief the good will be obtained.  We aren't to rejoice in ourselves. We'll have tribulation so much tribulation in our lives. In that tribulation we must be patient. How can we be patient in tribulation- through hope, as we are instant in prayer.

Rom 12:15  Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. 

Rejoice with me even as you weep with me. All by the grace and mercy of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

Rest My Grieving Heart

 My grief is not something out of the ordinary, my mind tells me this but my heart cries out- it is! This isn't ordinary! This is so far from ordinary how do people survive?! 

They do, though, all the time, they survive.

My heart can't overrule my mind, not this time. I must put my heart to sleep, let the numbness that seeps in bit by bit enter unchallenged. My heart fights against unfeeling. My heart would rather ache than sleep, but my mind knows in order to heal the agony of living with death I have to let my heart grow quiet, stop its tears.  Do hearts cry? They have to because the tears from my eyes are no longer matching the tears still spilling from my heart. 

Rest now my heart, let this particular wave of tears roll gently into the shore, let this tide of grief subside for a while, as tides are wont to do, rest.

*******

Trials and tribulations. 

They enter our lives these trials and tribulations wreaking havoc with our normalcy. They stir our passionate responses and remind us of the horrors sin has inflicted upon us. We weren't meant to live our lives filled with agonies interspersed with joy. This was never how it was intended and deep down we all know this to be true. Admit it or not, it's truth. I know this isn't how it will always be. I know each and every trial, all the tribulations are temporary to eternity. I will cling to the hope of my Savior who died so I could have the gift of salvation through Him. That salvation will be a life of the purest love in eternity, life how it was supposed to be.  May God keep us in HIM as we face the horrible tragedies sin chokes us with time and time again, threatening to drag us to despair. God forbid we ever despair of the hope found in Jesus Christ, our Lord!

1Pe 1:7  That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ

1Pe 4:12  Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: 

1Pe 4:13  But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 

Joh_16:33  These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Act_14:22  Confirming the souls of the disciples, and exhorting them to continue in the faith, and that we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God.

Rom 8:35  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 

Rom 8:36  As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. 

Rom 8:37  Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 

Rom 8:38  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 

Rom 8:39  Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

While I Was Weeping.

 From a seed to a seedling, my daily vigil witnessing the miracle of gardening, I took you along with me on my journey.  It was never trivial to you. You shared my happiness over the blooming Sunflowers, the Morning Glories- you were there when I lamented of them ever flowering, and you were there when their purple wonder opened on the long vines. You laughed when I told you the Morning Glories were taking over the garden, and I can still see your smile slip away when I mentioned how much they were even enjoying the okra stalks. Okra plants were sacred to you and their being invaded by the Morning Glories was frowned upon. Still, you didn't mind, not as long as your okra blossoms in their glorious yellow and deep purple flourish alongside the invader vines.  

This year you were looking so forward to the okra, and I praise God you were able to enjoy it a few times as it started to produce. There we were, sitting around the dining table once again- and you asked after the okra a week before you left us. I told you it was finally starting to get taller, you mentioned the summer rain is when it will really take off. I said, I really like the tall okra, not the short stuff- you see- I bought various kinds okra seeds- trying them all. You readily agreed that you too liked the tall okra, the taller the better--   we shared a smile. We were waiting on the taller okra… we were waiting on the summer rains…  they came while I was weeping.

I'll continue to watch the okra grow, and the tallest stalks will be a constant reminder of you, of me, of us.

The Zinnias out front were so small, you were waiting for them to bloom. 

They too, as I wept, dared to keep on living, keep on growing, budding and yes, now blossoming-- their beauty marred only by my being unable to share it with you. I know though, I know you'd smile and I can see your smile etched in my heart. Sleep on love, sleep on as the world continues to turn, as the flowers continue to blossom, the okra continues its ascent towards the sky. Sleep on, in the peace of a rest deserved after so much pain. Sleep on for now. I love you. 

*******

"…not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit saith the LORD of hosts."  Zech. 4:6

By the Spirit of the LORD,  I live.

"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth." Heb.11:13

I am persuaded of the future promised resurrection, the future promised new earth, until then I confess I am a stranger and pilgrim on this sin filled world.

"But now they desire a better country, that is, an heavenly: wherefore God is not ashamed to be called their God: for he hath prepared for them a city." Heb.11:16 

I desire a heavenly country prepared by God unashamedly. My God prepares.

"Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season; Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt: for he had respect unto the recompence of the reward." Heb. 11:25,26

Suffer now, refuse sins pleasure. Christ worth more than anything this world has to offer-- anything! No earthly treasure is greater than Christ, not a single one! All the suffering of living now worth the joy of Christ eternally. 

All by the grace and mercy of the Lord, Jesus Christ, my Savior now and forever! Amen!

Twenty-One Days Ago...

 Twenty days tomorrow, how is that possible? How? Twenty-one days ago you were still living. Twenty-one days ago at this very moment I was sitting in my chair in our bedroom, and you were sitting in your wheelchair near me. I say near me but truthfully, there was too much distance between us- wheelchair dictated distance, along with an injured shoulder on my part -I could no longer pull my recliner close to you. Prior to your surgery way back in May of 2021, we sat next to each other every night and we'd hold hands. 

No not the entire night, but from 11pm to 1am, it was our ritual of intimacy. A ritual that slipped away as you slipped away from me. I didn't know, I couldn't know that part of our lives was slipping away never to be recovered, we always kept recovery's hope for our future, always. 

The distance between our two chairs wasn't meant to be forever. Our lives changed, and while the ritual of intimacy altered it wasn't completely gone- not a single night went by without a kiss, a hug, and an, "I love you."  

Twenty-one days ago you were watching your television shows, the shows you watched without me. Why without me? Because it was the Sabbath still.

You didn't let the Sabbath separate us though. You still wanted me near you. I would put on headphones and start listening to my Christian music, or sermons and the occasional Christian movie. The majority of time I would be immersed in my worship through song and study, and as I'd get caught up in the music I'd sing out loud and you never censured me, never told me to be quiet, never told me to stop singing, never once told me to leave the room. Even when my worship songs had me singing at the top of my lungs, you just carried on as if it wasn't a problem at all whatsoever. Why? Why did you choose to have me there with you, in the room as I worshiped in song, rather than send me out to another room where you didn't have to hear any of it at all? I offered, more than once, I offered and you always said no, you wanted me in there with you. Even though I was a million miles away in my worship of God, you wanted me there with you physically. I asked why, but I know why, I do…  you loved me and didn't want that distance from me not even for a single night. 

Twenty-one nights ago you were with me, as the Sabbath ended you turned to me and asked if it were over. I told you, yes, and we began to watch our shows. Even as you would play your Mahjong on the computer and I'd continue with my studies, or other things- we would watch our shows. 1 o'clock came along, I went to you… I kissed you goodnight…I hugged you… I told you I love you…  you kissed me goodnight… you hugged me…. You told me you love me…

….for the very last time. 

Oh, those words! For the very last time! My days are filled with those words! You did this for the very last time! You did that for the very last time! It was the last time you had that! It was the last time you said this! For the very last time you laughed! For the last time you looked at me! I remember, oh, I remember that last look! I remember…your eyes were filled with shocked surprise, and mine mirrored yours, our last look… for the very last time…

…until eternity.

Twenty-one nights ago you were alive loving me for me. You didn't let our spiritual differences separate us, and I know you could have, but you didn't- you loved me so much. Stripped of that love is it any wonder I'm wandering aimlessly grasping at the past trying to gather as much of that love as I can. This patchwork quilt of memories I wrap daily around my heart just to keep it beating…just to keep yours beating with mine for as long as I can.

Why am I sharing our love with others, why am I letting them gaze through this window of our lives, of our past? Because, my grief is bleeding through my words, my mourning pouring out of my soul, each letter a tear. And, I can't seem to quiet this desperation inside that wanders the hollow halls of my life empty of you. 

Psa 56:8 … put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? 

Psa 39:12  Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were. 

Psa 39:13  O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more

Isa_25:8  He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it.

Rev_7:17  For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.

Rev_21:4  And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Because He Lives- 

God sent His son, they called Him Jesus

He came to love, heal and forgive

He lived and died to buy my pardon

An empty grave is there to prove my savior lives

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living, just because He lives

How sweet to hold a newborn baby

And feel the pride and joy He gives

But greater still the calm assurance

This child can face uncertain day, because He lives

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living, just because He lives

And then one day, I'll cross the river

I'll fight life's final war with pain

And then, as death gives way to victory

I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He reigns

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living, just because He lives

I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living, just because He lives