Christ! My Hope!

1Jn 4:4  …greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. 

Col_1:27  …Christ in you, the hope of glory

Col 3:11  … Christ is all, and in all. 

We look at ourselves. We focus on ourselves. We are directed over and over and over again to consider ourselves. My whole life has been filled with anxiety. Okay, let me amend that, since I was about ten years old, forty-six years ago, my life has been fraught with anxiety. Before ten I was considered a shy child, the kind that hid behind their mother's skirt so to speak. I was most likely born with that shyness gene to start with and had in a mix of family trauma in my young years, and top it off with a huge dollop of very toxic chemicals seeping in through the basement of our house (a playroom during my youngest years) and what do you get… TADA… a big ball of introverted, anxiety ridden, self-loathing me.  Did you catch the last bit? Self-loathing?  Now, did you take particular note of the first word, SELF? The shyness, the anxiety, the self-loathing all of this created a me- focused on myself always and how I was feeling-- terror.  Terror so much so that the physical reactions of panic attacks - sweating profusely, shaking, finding it hard to breath, feeling sick to my stomach, intestines instant roiling,  my heart trying to beat out of my chest running, jumping, and yes, skipping beats in palpitations? Why yes, yes that is my heart during panic attacks. Is it any wonder I'm all caught up in how I'm feeling when the feelings are so extreme? Is it any wonder for a while there I became scared to even leave my house as a young adult? Avoiding any anxiety provoking situations was my life's aim because of those awful soul crushing, dream smashing anxiety physical reactions. Even today I avoid as much as possible situations I know could produce such reactions. I've limited my life in many, many ways because of the reactions life provokes from me.  I FOCUS ON ME. 

Don't get me wrong. There have also been times in my life that the anxiety has taken a rare long vacation. During those times I was able to do more normal activities without crippling anxiety and fear. I can't explain it, I have no answers. The anxiety monster living within me has periods of dormancy that come and go at will and they're out of my control.

What a long tangent I've gone on, all to say that I know as long as I look at myself, as long as I allow the anxiety fear in me to be my focus, my focus cannot be on Christ in me, my hope.  I have to gently nudge Christ in me to the side and let my anxiety monster step up to the plate, which I've done all too often. Of course, most of the time it's not a gentle nudge, the Christ in me has often been knocked off His feet and thrown through a brick wall from the force of the panicked monster of anxiety. That monster blots out any sign of Christ in me, making me look only at him.

My husband is a big promoter of facing fears to get rid of them and you know what, I wished it worked. I can face a fear and be all…YAY I did it, but then when I go to do it again and the fear rears up and sometimes that fear is overwhelming. It's never been face the fear and you've conquered it forever, but rather, oh good you faced it today and conquered it, but the next time you might not be so lucky. I can conquer a fear for a few years consistently only to have it jump up out of its long slumber and knock me off my feet. Surprise! I'm back! And the cycle starts all over again.

One thing I do KNOW and now, if only I could keep knowing, is CHRIST in me will allow me to live a life for HIM, no matter the fear. CHRIST IN ME, MY HOPE today, just today, I have to live for just today and whatever it may bring my way.

Christ tells us this-

Mat_6:34  Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

AND it's soooo true!

Please, Christ, be my focus. Help me get myself out of the way of YOU LIVING IN ME, doing Your will! Help me to recognize the fears as they rise up, and they will- maybe not this moment, maybe not an hour or even all day, but eventually they will rise up. Help me to recognize the fears and even as all the effects of the fears begin- physical, mental, emotional- let me to SEE YOU IN ME and not the fear.  Don't let the fear push YOU out of my sight! Let the fear go right through You in me, so that I never lose sight of You. Be merciful to me a horrible sinner, and let me live for You, please.

GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN ME, THAN HE THAT IS IN THE WORLD.

And I know, Satan loves pushing anxiety buttons whenever he can, he is in the world doing all he can to keep me of the world, and not of Christ! But You have OVERCOME Satan!

GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN ME!

CHRIST IN ME, MY HOPE.